Turning Point: Part 10

There's too much anger inside meThere's too much scarring when I bleedThere's too much therapy I needThere is no god that I have seenTherapy, Smile Empty Soul.

Raven's POV:

The next day was almost the same as the previous day until therapy. Cam tickled me awake, we ate breakfast, then Jayme took us to one of the meeting rooms. One entire wall was a mirror, for some reason. Well, it looked like a mirror, perhaps it's a one-way mirror? There were no chairs in the room, we were encouraged to spread out and sit on the floor. Most of the people in the room were dressed in the white outfits of the patients like me and Cam, everyone was in white except for the group therapist. I didn't remember his name. I signed to Cam, asking what his name was. I watched as he tried to remember the letters. T-R-I-S, he spelled out slowly. That's right. Tristan was his name. I signed thanks as we walked to sit down. "Ah, Cam, Raven, come on in, find a spot to sit," he said.

I stood at the door, contemplating how much trouble I'd be in if I just turned and walked the other way. Cam took my hand before I could, tugging gently as he led me over toward two spots that were together on the floor. I hesitated, we were where I'd be able to see my reflection and I didn't want that. I spotted two other places that were open, just on the other side of the room. I stopped and motioned to Cam, who cocked an eyebrow at me. I signed 'mirror' and pointed to the original spots, then the mirror before shaking my head. He still looked perplexed but he nodded and we walked to the other side, where I sat down and he sat next to me.

Everyone in here looked like teenagers except the therapist. I wondered how long these others had been here. Some had their eyes darting around, looking nervous, so I guessed they were new. Others looked bored or even casual about it, I guessed they had been here longer than the tense, nervous kids. "Okay, so where were we... Ivy, would you like to share with the group why you're here, if you want?" Tristan asked a tall blonde girl with sparkly brown eyes.

I wondered what her deal was. She looked too beautiful to be in a place like Sick Minds. She looked perfect. She looked like the type of girl who had everything she wanted, or at least had access to it. "Um..." she started, letting out a shaky breath. "It's okay, take your time," Tris reassured her. "Uh, I just, I don't know. I just kept hurting people I love. I'd make them disappointed in me or I'd do something and ruin things over and over again. It's like I couldn't stop myself from doing it, and I didn't mean to..." she trailed off, everyone stayed silent as she recollected her thoughts. It was intense in here and kind of uncomfortable. "So many people were hurt by me, so I started hurting myself, like physically." she said, folding her arms, attempting to hide the bandages around her wrists before continuing. "One day I, just, I guess I went a little too far, and now I'm here," she finished.

Mostly I was bitter and upset that I was forced to be here, but I also felt a pang of guilt for my previous thoughts about her. You really can't judge a book by its cover. "Mmmm, I know there are quite a few people in this room who went through the same thing," Tris spoke. There was a round of nods from the group. "Ivy, you say you went too far. Does that mean you didn't mean to do it? That you didn't mean to go as far as you did?" I glanced at Ivy, who had her eyes to the floor but nodded. "I cut too deep and passed out, I had lost a lot of blood," she said softly. "Hands up, who regrets what they did to themselves?" Tris asked. All hands went up except for mine. Was I really that different from them? They regretted trying to kill themselves, the only thing I regretted was not succeeding and not planning explicitly for success.

The guy to the other side of me leaned in closer. "You're supposed to just agree. That way they'll think you're not crazy and let you out sooner," the boy whispered. Cam shot the boy a dirty look, taking my hand and weaving our fingers together. He raised an eyebrow when I flinched as he took my hand. "Hey, David, no whispering in group therapy, please," Tris said before turning to the rest of the group. "Okay, so as we see here a lot of people are having second thoughts. What you're feeling, is completely normal. I can assure you, all the patients who have left here so far regret what they did too. Many of them don't try again, but those that do now know there is help for them. They put their hands up just like many of you just did and they eventually came to terms with that regret. They managed to overcome what they did to themselves and you can too. The proof is here. Look around you, look at the person next to you. Each one of you can get better, and realizing that what you did to yourselves was not the best solution is a great first step to getting better." He continued on.

I rolled my eyes at all the positive hippy bullshit. Tristan can't speak for everyone. How can he know what we're feeling or what's going to happen to us in the future? He doesn't. He can't generalize all of us like that, I thought as I pulled my hand away from Cam to mess with my hair. I rolled my eyes again but this time Tristan saw.

"Raven, you disagree with that?" Tris asked me. I didn't say a thing. This whole thing was ridiculous. "You didn't raise your hand just now, so does that mean you stand by your decision to attempt suicide? Would you do it again?" he questioned. Nothing but silence. All eyes on me. That was another reason I wasn't talking. I wasn't going to let fifteen complete strangers know personal info about me. "Do you want to tell the group why you're here? Or even just something about yourself?" I could tell by his tone that he was giving up. I pushed him along by cursing at him in sign language. "Okay, well, maybe next time then. Who else would like to share with the group?" he asked. After that, I just kind of zoned out.

I'm pretty sure that some were annoyed that I wouldn't talk. Maybe that was out of the ordinary here at Sick Minds. Surely there were others like me, others who wouldn't fall for the artificial environment of this place. Did they really think the therapists would give a damn about us if they didn't get a paycheck at the end of the week? The session lasted for about an hour. I was preoccupied with what was going in my head. How was I supposed to listen and support these other people if I couldn't even cope with my own problems? Perhaps that made me selfish, but that's how I felt and there was really nothing I could do about it. I basically tuned out for the rest of the session. Cam didn't talk either that I noticed.

Finally, it was over. Hopefully I would get out of here before I had to endure too many more sessions of that. Maybe that David guy was right. Maybe I had to cave in and act like I'm fine. But my stubbornness didn't want to give the staff the satisfaction of 'curing' me. I would just keep to myself for now. I mean, they can't keep me in here forever. At the most, until I turn eighteen. Then I'd be in the adult unit and I'd be legally an adult. They'd have to have a court order to keep me here, ultimately; or I'd have to be declared legally incapacitated and my guardian would have to allow them to keep me here. They could keep me for 72 hours for observation and if I didn't show any signs of being a danger to anybody, then they'd either have to let me go or get a court order to keep me there.

I was still sitting there thinking about things when Cam came over to me. He had gone to talk to Tris after the session. He waved one hand in front of my eyes and said "Earth to Raven," to get my attention. Much like Chris would have done, I thought with a twinge of pain in my chest. I snapped out of my trance and looked at him. "Session's done," he said to me, taking my hand in his as we walked out. "How was your first group session?" Cam asked me, I shrugged. "They're not for everyone, I guess." I nodded in reply to that.

"Hey, hey you. Hey, Raven," Someone stopped me, Cam stopped with me. The boy from earlier, David. I gave him a curious look while Cam glared at him. "You stood up to them! You actually stood up to them!" he said excitedly. "You can do it, you know. You're already one step closer. You won't let them brainwash you into thinking everything's okay. You can do it for all of us!" David said, practically beaming.

He talked with such enthusiasm, it was kinda intimidating. I looked at Cam nervously, his face was a mirror image of my perplexed expression. He did grip my hand tighter though, and I scooted closer to him. David was kind of scaring me, and it was kind of comforting having somebody else close by.

"You're a prodigy. You can show them. You can finish it, for all of us. If you can kill yourself in here, that's proof that we all could. Your hair, you have plenty of that to go make a noose," David spoke quickly. I was shocked and horrified at his little speech. For me to try to kill myself of my own free will was one thing, a random stranger telling me to kill myself was another and it left me stunned. Although I will admit my hair is long, I don't think it's long enough to get around my neck anyway. "Hey! That's enough of that," Cam said angrily, stepping forward.

His arms were tense, like he might take a swing at David. I held onto his arm tightly and my free hand reached, fingers wrapping tightly around his other wrist. I could take him down to the ground if I needed to, I could actually take either of them down. Or both of them. I was MMA trained and a black belt, I specialized in taking people down knockout style. "You don't get it, do you? They're trying to oppress us! You defied them, Raven. Show them they're wrong!" David shouted. He wanted me to kill myself to prove a point? Well, I guess that makes two of us. Tris was quick to intervene when he realized what was going on though.

"David, come with me," Tris said calmly, taking David by the arm. He wouldn't go silently though. He lunged towards me, Tris grabbed David and pulled him back. I jerked backwards, falling into Cam. He caught me before I could fall further and wrapped his arms around me tight, undoing my hold on his arms in the process. I willingly let go of Cam's wrists, his arms weren't so tense and I didn't think he was at the point where he would throw a punch. One of the male nurses helped Tris and I looked on wide eyed as they dragged the struggling boy down the hall.

"You can't keep me here any longer! I have rights! Show them they're wrong, Raven! Show them!" David screamed. Well, yeah, he had rights, but if his legal guardian had authorized them to keep him here, he didn't have any control over it until he was eighteen. Tris and the nurse dragged him through a door, one I hadn't been through before. David was clearly unstable, more so than myself. I dug my nails into my wrists hard, looking for the pain. "Don't do that," Cam said softly, taking my hands in his and squeezing gently. "Back to the rooms, no dawdling," one of the other nurses said. The crowd dispersed and I was left with Cam.

"Are you okay?" he asked me, holding onto my hands still. I nodded quickly. What came next, the lecture that David was wrong? I didn't even think it was possible to kill myself in here, to be honest. There was no way to do so that I knew of. "Good." Cam said simply as his thumbs grazed the backs of my hands. What, no lecture? No reassuring me that everything would be okay? It's what I would expect Tristan or Doc Foster to say, but Cam didn't. Thank the lord.

"Thanks for holding onto me, I thought I was about to punch him. Lucky that you had a better hold on my left arm, that's my strong arm," he said. "Where did they take him?" I ask quietly, pointing to the door David went through. "The intensive unit. Well, more of a sub-unit. It's where people who are an immediate risk to themselves stay, and people who might be a danger to others, like he was to you just then," Cam explained.

I didn't know there were different units. I had tried to kill myself, so why wasn't I in the intensive unit? "So, where am I?" I question, my head resting on his chest; thanks to my short height I couldn't reach his shoulder. "General patients on the adolescent unit. The units are grouped by age range and then the sub-units are grouped by needs and types of issues. Like general patients, intensive, special care, et cetera. Doc Foster did the full psych analysis on you, basically it means she doesn't think you're going to go to extra lengths to hurt yourself or others. While you're in here, at least," That was actually true. When I died, I wanted it to be on my terms and not in here.

Cam took a hold of my hand as we walked back to the room. "I'll be okay alone, ya know," I said softly, kind of wanting to be alone. Then again, my brain was extremely conflicted. "I know. If you want me to shut up for a while, I can deal with that, we could just sit in silence if you want. But after what happened out there, there is no way in hell I'm leaving you alone. Just to convince myself that what he said isn't affecting you, if nothing else," Cam said, making it crystal clear that he wouldn't leave me alone. "Thanks," I said to him, letting a smile sneak onto my face.

Cameron's POV:

Today was more or less a replica of yesterday, except for therapy. I tickled Raven awake, we ate breakfast, then Jayme escorted us to one of the meeting rooms. There were no chairs, we were encouraged to sit on the floor. How this was helpful, I don't know, but that's how they did things. Tris sat on the floor as well. Raven signed to me, asking what was Tristan's name. She must have forgotten. I slowly managed to spell out T-R-I-S in sign language. She signed thanks. "Ah, Cam, Raven, come on in, find a spot to sit," he said. Raven didn't come forward on her own, so I took her hand and led her towards two spaces together. But she froze up, then motioned to me. She indicated two spots facing the other way, away from the mirror wall. She looked panicked... I was confused. She signed 'mirror' and then pointed to the first two spots, shaking her head. I was still perplexed but agreed, we went to the spots she had indicated.

"Okay, so where were we... Ivy, would you like to share with the group why you're here, if you want?" Tristan asked a tall blonde girl with brown eyes. She was new, she wasn't here last time this group happened. "Um..." she started, letting out a shaky breath. "It's okay, take your time," Tris reassured her. "Uh, I just, I don't know. I just kept hurting people I love. I'd make them disappointed in me or I'd do something and ruin things over and over again. It's like I couldn't stop myself from doing it, and I didn't mean to..." she trailed off, everyone stayed silent as she recollected her thoughts. "So many people were hurt by me, so I started hurting myself, like physically." she said, folding her arms, attempting to hide the bandages around her wrists before continuing. "One day I, just, I guess I went a little too far, and now I'm here," she finished.

"Mmm, I know there are quite a few people in this room who went through the same thing," Tris spoke. There was a round of nods from the group. "Ivy, you say you went too far. Does that mean you didn't mean to do it? That you didn't mean to go as far as you did?" I glanced at Ivy, who had her eyes to the floor but nodded. "I cut too deep and passed out, I had lost a lot of blood," she said softly. "Hands up, who regrets what they did to themselves?" Tris asked. All hands went up except for Raven's. I didn't think much of it, to be honest. She was new, she was still figuring things out. Still figuring herself out.

The guy to the other side of her leaned in closer to her. "You're supposed to just agree. That way they'll think you're not crazy and let you out sooner," the boy whispered to Raven. I shot the boy a dirty look, taking Raven's right hand with my left and weaving our fingers together. I raised an eyebrow as she flinched when I took her hand. "Hey, David, no whispering in group therapy, please," Tris said before turning to the rest of the group.

"Okay, so as we see here a lot of people are having second thoughts. What you're feeling, is completely normal. I can assure you, all the patients who have left here so far regret what they did too. Many of them don't try again, but there are some who think they might try again and now know there is help for them so they try to get help before they try suicide again. They put their hands up just like many of you just did and they eventually came to terms with that regret. They managed to overcome what they did to themselves and you can too. The proof is here. Look around you, look at the person next to you. Each one of you can get better, and realizing that what you did to yourselves was not the best solution is a great first step to getting better." Raven rolled her eyes. At first it all seems like just positive hippy crap, but it's not.

"Raven, you disagree with that?" Tris asked her. She still didn't talk, choosing to pretend that she didn't hear him. "You didn't raise your hand just now, so does that mean you stand by your decision to attempt suicide? Would you do it again?" he questioned. Nothing but silence. All eyes on her. She tilted her head downward, eyes following and hair covering her face partially. "Do you want to tell the group why you're here? Or even just something about yourself?" I could tell by his tone that he was giving up for now. She pushed him by cursing at him in sign language though I don't think he knew what she was saying. "Okay, well, maybe next time then. Who else would like to share with the group?" he asked.

Finally, it was over. I walked over to Tris. Raven made no move to leave. "Is she always that mute? She can talk, right?" Tris asked me. I adore Tris, I swear, but sometimes he just has no filter. "Yes, she can talk. She's not mute. She's just really stubborn. I think she's uncomfortable in groups, too," I replied evenly. "She'll open up when she's ready, Tris. You've said that about multiple people too. Hell, remember when I first came here? You said that about me too, and look how I am now. Just give her a chance, Tris," I reminded him before walking back to Raven, who appeared to be in a trance of some sort. "Earth to Raven," I said, waving a hand in front of her eyes. She snapped out of it, looking up at me with long lashes framing her sapphire blue eyes. Something in her eyes changed for an instant, pain showing through. My best guess is that I evoked a memory of something for her. "Session's done," I said, taking her hand as we walked out. "How was your first group session?" I asked her, she shrugged. "They're not for everyone, I guess." I said, she nodded in reply.

"Hey, hey you. Hey, Raven," Someone stopped us. The boy from earlier, David. Raven looked curious while I glared at him. "You stood up to them! You actually stood up to them!" he said excitedly to Raven. "You can do it, you know. You're already one step closer. You won't let them brainwash you into thinking everything's okay. You can do it for all of us!" David said, practically beaming.

He talked with such enthusiasm, it was both creepy and intimidating. Raven looked up at me nervously, her short height forcing her to look up. Her face held the same perplexed expression I had. I held onto her hand a little tighter, I would have pulled her closer but that wasn't necessary because she scooted closer to me on her own. My heart leaped in my chest, this meant that at least she was getting somewhat comfortable around me.

"You're a prodigy. You can show them. You can finish it, for all of us. If you can kill yourself in here, that's proof that we all could. Your hair, you have plenty of that to go make a noose," David spoke quickly. Raven appeared horrified, and rightfully so. Basically this dude she didn't know was telling her to go kill herself. "Hey! That's enough of that," I said angrily, stepping forward.

Raven held onto my hand tightly, which may have been a good thing considering I wanted to punch the guy and I can throw a hell of a punch with my left hand but my right side has no power whatsoever. If I were to kick him, I'm no good at any kicks except the roundhouse, which I would probably hit Raven. Didn't want to do that. Just then I felt her shift and long slender fingers wrapped around my right wrist, so she now had a hand on each arm. I didn't want to startle, or worse, scare or hurt her. So I didn't try to hit him, I held back. "You don't get it, do you? They're trying to oppress us! You defied them, Raven. Show them they're wrong!" David shouted. Tris was quick to intervene when he realized what was going on.

"David, come with me," Tris said calmly, taking David by the arm. He wouldn't go silently though. He lunged towards Raven, who moved back towards me but ended up almost falling. I caught her before she fell and wrapped my arms around her, holding her tightly. She was shaking, I could feel her heartbeat, it was fast. Tris grabbed David and pulled him back. One of the male nurses helped Tris and Raven looked on wide eyed as they dragged the struggling boy down the hall. "You can't keep me here any longer! I have rights! Show them they're wrong, Raven! Show them!" David screamed.

Tris and the nurse dragged him through the door leading to the intensive unit. Her nails dug into her own wrists, she was in overdrive. "Don't do that," I said softly, taking her hands in mine and squeezing gently. "Back to the rooms, no dawdling," one of the other nurses said. The crowd dispersed and I was left with Raven. "Are you okay?" I asked, holding onto her hands still. She nodded quickly. "Good." I said simply, deciding not to go into lecture mode. She probably gets enough of that from other people. My thumbs gently rubbed the backs of her hands.

"Thanks for holding onto me, I thought I was about to punch him. Lucky that you had a better hold on my left arm, that's my strong arm," I said. "Where did they take him?" She asks quietly, pointing to the door David went through. "The intensive unit. Well, more of a sub-unit. It's where people who are an immediate risk to themselves stay, and people who might be a danger to others, like he was to you just then," I explained.

"So, where am I?" she questions, her head resting against my chest. She wasn't quite tall enough to make it to my shoulder. "General patients on the adolescent unit. The units are grouped by age range and then the sub-units are grouped by needs and types of issues. Like general patients, intensive, special care, et cetera. Doc Foster did the full psych analysis on you, basically it means she doesn't think you're going to go to extra lengths to hurt yourself or others. While you're in here, at least," We set off back to the room and I currently had no plans to leave her alone much today.

I took her hand in mine as we walked back to the room. "I'll be okay alone, ya know," she said quietly. Obviously she was doubting herself and I didn't want to risk leaving her alone for too long. "I know. If you want me to shut up for a while, I can deal with that, we could just sit in silence if you want. But after what happened out there, there is no way in hell I'm leaving you alone. Just to convince myself that what he said isn't affecting you, if nothing else," I said, making it crystal clear that I wouldn't leave her alone. "Thanks," she said, a smile creeping onto her face.