Thoughts from an Insomniac
The Way My Brain Works When I Just Can’t Sleep
I started suffering from insomnia around January of this year. I had a lot of personal things going on (going through a tough break up) and sleep became scarce. Unfortunately, this followed me to Florida. I love living in Florida, and my mental health has been in such a good place, but I just couldn’t seem to shake the insomnia. I’m learning to live with it pretty well, though. As long as I can find some way to keep myself occupied during a bad bout, eventually sleep finds me and I sleep for as much time as I can before I have to start my day. I’ve also gotten pretty good at functioning on little sleep and catching up whenever I can.
Tonight has been tough, though. I’m writing this article at 5:47 AM, and I’ve been laying in bed tossing and turning for two and a half hours now. I sat outside on the porch with my cat for a while (thank goodness for a nocturnal pet), and the weather was great. It’s peaceful on the porch at night because there aren’t even cars driving around. It’s just me, my cat, and my racing thoughts.
Tonight/this morning has been a lot of thinking about going back to Connecticut. I’m excited but also sad to be leaving Florida. I’ve made so many amazing friends here. I’ve made a life for myself, and I’m very sad to be leaving it. But I miss my family, my friends, my pets, and all of the horses so much. Getting back to them is going to be a breath of fresh air.
My roommate's cat is in the living room meowing a lot. I think he’s hungry, but my roommate will probably be up soon for work, and he’ll get his wet food breakfast soon.
Sorry for the tangent, back to the insomniac diary.
I’m a little nervous to take my cat, Avocado, back to Connecticut. She likes going outside in the porch with me, but I don’t have a screened in area to take her outside in Connecticut. I’m thinking about getting her a leash and harness so she can still go outside sometimes.
I think she’ll love the bigger area to roam, though. She likes to roam and pace, and my house back in Connecticut is much bigger than the three bedroom apartment I live in here. She’ll have her own safe space from the other animals, in my room, and I think she’ll really like that.
It’s 5:54 AM now. I can kind of feel the sleep start to come.
Sometimes when the insomnia gets bad, I think about things that have happened in my past, too. The most recent thing I think too much about is the Mike break up. It was so messy, and I wish I would have ended things sooner. I wonder what would have happened if I did. Would I have moved apartments? Probably not. But am I happier in the new apartment? Absolutely. I really like my roommates here, at least the girl roommate. Avie has learned to get along with her cats, too, and that gives me hope that she’ll get along, or at least tolerate, my cat at home.
I probably would have gotten a cat a little sooner if I left Mike earlier, and then I wouldn’t have found Avocado. She may be a typical cat, ya’ know, your average bitch who picks and chooses when she wants to be your pet, but I love her anyways. She’s my little princess, and I’m so thankful for her. Sure, she doesn’t like much affection and she doesn’t cuddle me, but she runs to the door to greet me every day when I get home, and she always makes sure she’s somewhere near me. She’s opening up more since Mike’s dog left, and I think she’ll keep opening up to me now.
6:00 AM, I have to work in 8.5 hours. It’s just a rivers shift, though, so I think I’ll be fine.
I’m going to miss my coworkers when I leave. I’ve gotten close with a good bit of them, and I’ll be very sad to leave them. I need to start getting pictures with all of them. They’ve helped me through a lot, whether they knew it or not.
I think I’ve realized my lack of sleeping is related to these manic phases I go through. I go weeks at a time where I am just so restless, I can’t sleep. I need to be doing things all the time, and that’s normally when I notice the insomnia. Then when I’m not feeling restless. I just want to sleep all the time, as if I am trying to catch up on the sleep I lost. If only it worked that way.