The loneliness after abuse

When I was in the abusive relationship, the loneliness was overwhelming for me. I dreamed of getting out, of not being there and being able to live a happy and fulfilled life. The thing is that it's not the fairy tale that you think that it is. It's not that easy.

Being with someone that is a narcissist, the first thing they do is isolate you from other people. It makes it harder for you to get out when you want to. That is very much true for me. He moved to far away from my family, trying to make him my only person to count on. The plan was that I was going to work there, I had a job lined up. However, when I got there he didn't want me put our daughter in after school care so I didn't work. I wasn't allowed to talk to neighbours. Or even talk to anyone when we went out. Any person that I spoke to it was a problem. When you make someone your whole world, it's difficult when they are so mean to you.

When I was being beaten, put down, isolated, being disrespected, I dreamed of finding a way out. I dreamed of my life after. My life when I was able to escape. I dreamed of the fantasy life that I would have on my own. The reality of it though, is something else altogether.

I feel so isolated now. Even though I never had a large friend group before, now it's overwhelming how lonely that I feel. I can be in a crowded room, yet I feel so alone. The thing that I realize is that I can now make friends, I can now talk to people without fear. Yet somehow I still feel afraid to, like I am still not allowed to for some reason. I know that it is a response to my trauma that I have been through, and that it will take time. I was taking the time to work on myself, to heal, to get better. Daily affirmations really helped. Either me telling myself in a mirror, or watching motivational videos. It may sound crazy, but TikTok really helped me. Watching daily videos that say how great you are, that you deserve great things in your life, really made a big difference for my life. There is something about starting your day off with someone, even someone you don't know, telling you how great that you are, that really helps to change your mindset.

Breaking the cycle has been the hardest thing for me. I was doing well, yet I still let him pull me back in. No matter how hard that I try to tell myself not to do it. I let him get into my head, tell me that he is the only one for me, the only one that could love me. For a while, I was able to still tell myself that I didn't need anyone so it didn't matter. Though that is very hard to live your life like that. After all, we are social creatures.

I have family, however I still feel like I have no one to talk to. No one that will understand, no one to really talk to. I'm not a person that wants to hate me, regardless of what he has done. I think hate to anyone is toxic to your life. Sometimes you just want to have someone to talk to. I don't have it, and I get anxiety now just thinking of opening up to someone else. What if I do and they hurt me too? That's what I think. I let everyone down by letting it happen. I hate that he still has this hold on me somehow. This hold that I can't open up to anyone is something that I can't shake. So I go about my life on my own, lonely. I'm not sure why I can't shake this feeling, this feeling that I can't open up to anyone. It's something that no one talks about. No matter how much that I work on myself, on making myself better or on my confidence, I still can't shake it. I fear that I will be lonely forever.

-T