Sweet psycho little strong fragile girl

Her eyes neither flickered or grinned. Her posture never changed not by an inch. Her whole demeanour remained just the same. But someone upstairs tripped a wire in her brain and like a plane she came crashing down... without warning she had vacated.

Only five minutes ago she had felt such affection for you as you had sat there together on the sofa talking about great nonsense... you can't feel it though.

You can't feel the hollow as you pat your hand on her arm. You can't experience the change first hand, your voice evaporating, as she struggles to cling onto the words your saying but they keep escaping. It's as if clingfilm has been smothered over everything.

Unravelling... falling.

I am empty now. I need nor want anything. No food, no music, no drink, no hug, no light, no smoke, no words, no touch, no taste, no sight, no sound, nothing.

I feel nothing at all. Someone could brutally murder someone in front of me and I will see it happen in a blank. The head has left the body.

I respond and I do but you are in strange company now... I am not all there. Not at all the same as I was four minutes ago.

We might get into an argument. You will probably think I am extremely insensitive, nasty, wrong. I might do something I would never do if I had all my emotion and brains in tact.

When they come back I will be flooded by guilt... I will feel so much hate for myself and push everyone away because I must be the devil! I will tell you "I am no good". I will have times when I am just walking to the shop and be convinced that someone who has only briefly caught my eye whilst in the street, can see through me, they are reading my thoughts, they know I'm a bad person, they are mocking who I am because they can see I am to be disgusted! I keep my head down and scurry like a sewer rat.

Half an hour later, I am the cutest pair of eyes on the sweetest stick to exist today!

I catch my reflection in the window as I'm pouting with a cigarette admiring myself.

I shovel sexual innuendos onto you like sugar after a famine. Breathe laughter and love from every pore! I feel the energy of life ticking away and god I love the world... did I ever tell you how much I love your smile "it is so god damn sexy I just need to kiss your gorgeous face!"

She has such loss of control.

But do you think that statement is unfair?

Doesn't it seem to you like she is a manipulator? Someone who is actually controlling you? (Since she brings you high up with her then discards you so easily)

But she can discard anything and everything so easily! She can love one minute and be completely incapable of loving anything or anyone the next minute. Real heavy raw emotion - then nothing.

Ask five different people their opinions of her (who know of her) and you will receive a concoction of answers that resemble no stability.

Ha... maybe that's one...

Yes I know her, she's nice but a bit unstable... She was okay but she's too much of a mess to bother with, yes she's just 'too unstable'.

I am thoughtful, I am caring and I am careful.

I am careless, I am blameless and I am faultless.

Life can't teach you to understand a person like me. Life can only teach you to understand yourself. I still have no clue even though I chose to write this how to make sense of me. It is nonsensical?

If anyone has read this and it has not mushed up your own thoughts - then congratulations!

The purpose for me writing this is to shine a glimpse into a dusty confused corner and drain away some of my personality sewerage onto some clean people like yourselves whoever is mad enough to read this (just kidding)