Struggling With Acne

Acne is something I have struggled with for about six years now. Wow, even typing six years makes me realize how long I have been having such horrible skin issues.

I can't go outside without foundation on.

I don't let my boyfriend see me in the shower.

NOBODY sees me without foundation on.

Every day I wake up and it's the first thing I think about. I think about how ugly I am without makeup on. I think about how my boyfriend would dump me if he saw the real me. I think about how much happier I would be if I just had clear skin. It is something I struggle with externally and internally. I never feel like I can be myself around others without them looking at my skin.

My pores are huge, I have oily skin, and my face is as red as a tomato. I have tried everything, and I mean everything, to stop my acne from getting worse, and nothing has worked. Birth control only slightly helped, but only because I expected it to. I know not wearing makeup so often would help my skin, but I cannot physically get myself to not wear it. I cry almost every night when I see I have a new pimple. It is ruining my life.

I can't go swimming without thinking about my skin, I can't go to the store without makeup on, I can't even look in the mirror without cringing.

I don't know what to do.

I find myself being confident some days and being able to take a makeup wipe and take it all off, but that's rare. I know it isn't as important as other problems in the world, but it is mine.

It sucks because I have a great life.

A great family, friends, boyfriend, the best school.

There are few things in my life that are genuinely bad, but this issue just ruins all the other good in my life. I want to be able to go do something spontaneously without having to worry about getting ready.

This isn’t me asking for skincare advice, this is me asking for life advice. I have no idea how to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to know what it feels like to be yourself every day at any hour. I feel like a different version of myself when I step outside in my “mask.” At this point, I feel like I am just rambling about my insecurities, but it is how I feel.

Another big issue I have with my skin is working out. Recently I have been trying to lose weight by eating healthy and going to the gym. Eating healthy helps my skin a lot, as well as water, but when I am working out, I have to wear makeup and I break out so much more because of the sweat and oils I produce while working out. It came to the point I just stopped working out altogether because I couldn’t handle breaking out more. So even when I am trying to better myself fitness-wise, my skin is still an issue. There are no other words than sadness when I think about my skin, and it hurts me every morning. I am sitting in my living room with my family and I cannot stop thinking they are looking at my skin and judging me. Deep down I know they aren’t, but it is just an irrational fear I have about everyone looking at me. Acne is such a burden and I feel like it is ruining my life every single day.