Screw it! I'll just ask for help

When I first read Brené Brown's book "Rising Strong" I couldn't believe that someone could describe what I had been going through so perfectly. Someone finally put words on all the feelings I have had during my teenage and adult years—and on the feelings of probably hundreds of thousands of people around the world.

The main subjects were:

Shame, vulnerability, and the stories we tell ourselves—whether real or not. This still gets me thinking today: why are we so ashamed of our failures, our mistakes, and asking for help?

The reason I write this article is because I know that I'm not the only one who has ever struggled with this. Self-forgiveness is crucial and yet we fail to do it over and over again. But if thousands of other people are feeling similar emotions—then why are we so scared to talk about it?

It starts with forgiving yourself

I want to dig deeper into this one because it often goes unnoticed. But firstly, what does forgiving yourself mean?

Acceptance

Understanding that what is done can't be undone. No matter how much you try to change the past, you simply can't. But you can change how you feel about it and what you take from it. You can start looking back and change the way you view a situation by giving it another meaning.

Acceptance is essential on the road to self-forgiveness.

Lessons

Mistakes and failures are ways for our souls to evolve and our minds to expand.

As Maya Angelou said:

" I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better"

This quote is powerful because it releases you from shame and self-blame. Besides, the lessons you learn about yourself and about life when you make mistakes would have never been learned hadn't you made them.

Loving yourself

Yes, loving yourself is important yet not always talked about at an early age. This is a mistake because loving yourself shows up in every area of your life—from relationships to choosing your job, what you put into your body, and how much money you make.

When you love yourself, you automatically accept who you are and your past mistakes. You start leaning into self-forgiveness with more ease.

Negative self-talk

To forgive yourself, the negative self-talk has to go. You simply have to throw it out of the window and wave goodbye to it. It is so easy to beat ourselves up when we do something wrong but we all make mistakes.

Become conscious of the way you speak to yourself on a daily basis. And if you hear those negative words taking shape—change them as soon as you possibly can. With practice, you will find that you become much kinder to yourself. As with anything else, it's a habit. And a habit can always be changed.

Taking responsibility

Holding yourself accountable without blaming yourself might be tricky at first, but it's absolutely possible. Holding yourself accountable means that you accept your part in past or current situations. It can be anything from relationships gone wrong to something you said or did.

When you take responsibility for your actions, it will lead you to being more forgiving towards others as well. And the more you forgive, the more toxicity you release from your life.

You can simply say to yourself: "I take responsibility for this and next time I will do better. I am still learning as I go".

A positive domino effect

If you read the previous section carefully, you probably now understand how much power lies in self-forgiveness. Shame decreases and with it, vulnerability increases. So with one action, you have now entered a positive cycle and a positive domino effect has been established.

In the past three years, I have worked a lot with self-love. Along the way, I realized that I had a lot of self-forgiveness to do and that I also had to forgive others. There were things hidden that I had no idea were there. Things from past relationships, from childhood, and friendships.

It takes work, that's true. But as I often say:

"Working on yourself will give you a higher reward than any other job"

Difficult situations lead to unexpected solutions and desires

When I look back at my most difficult circumstances, I always find something good in them. There is wisdom in there, contributing to the path that lies ahead. I still ask til this day: what can I learn and how will this help me in the future?

Changing perspective matters because it will either drag you down or lift you up. That's not to say that you're not allowed to feel bummed or feel grief for what you have lost—if you lost something (or someone).

Feel it, embrace it and then turn your focus on curiosity.

Find the answers you seek and look ahead

You will always find an answer if you are willing to listen. It is a law that never fails. You never know when you will get your next idea, discover a solution, or find an answer to a question. Pay attention and it will show up.

To discover the lessons and get your answers, practice being in silence. At least for an hour or so each day. Spend quiet time in nature, sit quietly with yourself at home, or start writing it out.

A process that has helped me is to write down what I'm going through, along with my emotions. I then deliberately turn to a positive outlook.

It can look something like this:

"Today I feel sad. I feel sad because I lost my job. I really needed that job and I'm not sure what to do now. Where will my income come from and how will I survive? I also feel a bit angry and stressed".

Leading to:

"But I know that it will be alright. I'm certain that there is a meaning to this. I know that I will find a solution because everything happens for a reason. Maybe this was meant to lead me onto another path. I give thanks for all the blessings I do have because there are actually a lot of them. I'm healthy, I'm loved, I have a home. I have a family. Maybe I can start that business now or have more time with my family. I can actually see it now, thank you Universe."

Usually, these turn into several pages in my notebook or on my computer. I prefer writing by hand but it's not necessary. I simply like the feeling and I feel that it's more powerful.

Yours can look any way you like. Maybe you don't believe in a higher power or that everything happens for a reason and that's okay. The purpose is to get your emotions out and turn them into something positive. That way you can find new desires within you and learn new life lessons.

I can't tell you how many times I have found unexpected answers on the page. There's no limit to where the answers might come from. They can come from your dreams, when you go for a walk, or while you're talking to a friend.

You simply never know when the answer will fall into your lap so pay attention. Don't obsess over it either and have patience. Sometimes it might take few days or even weeks.

But the answer will come.

Practice vulnerability

"To show vulnerability, we must understand that we are not alone. In every country—and every city—sits someone who is alone with their struggles. That person needs us to speak up"

When you share what you're going through, it gives others permission to do the same. Think about it: don't you feel that you can open up more when someone else does the same? It builds trust and connects us with other people in a deeper way.

And we need to connect with others because it's in our DNA. We're social species and we need to bond. Science has shown us this over and over again.

How to start being vulnerable

If you're not used to this, I completely understand. I've struggled with it too—and I sometimes still do. I encourage you to start with the self-love and self-acceptance I spoke about earlier.

You can say things to yourself like:

"I am not alone feeling this way"

"My struggles are making me stronger and are nothing to be ashamed of"

"Me speaking up helps someone else to speak up and to free themselves"

""I accept what I am going through and there is nothing wrong with me"

"If someone judges me, it just means that they need some help with being vulnerable too"

"When I speak of an uncomfortable situation, I can release it and learn from it"

"I love myself no matter what mistakes I have made"

Asking for help

This has been one of my biggest struggles. And I believe many people struggle with this as well. The reason for that is that there is an "I have everything together" trend going on.

But even the most successful people ask for help. In fact, that is one of the things they will tell you is necessary. Why? Because nobody can do everything by themselves and they understand that.

"You don't have to do everything on your own—neither should you"

Think about it: how do people build successful businesses and not burn themselves out? How do we learn new skills and become better people?

There's always someone that helps us out—whether we're aware of it or not. Someone wrote that book you bought about marketing. Another person brainstormed with his or her friend over the phone and took a business idea to the next level. And someone else needed a shoulder to lean on after a breakup.

No matter the situation, we always need help and others need ours too. We can't do it all on our own if we want to thrive in this world. That's how it's designed. It gives us another excuse to bond with each other.

Give it time

It takes practice to ask for help. As it does with all the other things. We learn by doing and practicing what we don't know.

When I had to start communicating with others assertively—especially when my negative emotions were higtened—it was uncomfortable to say the least. I remember searching on YouTube and Google how to communicate better and how to develop emotional intelligence.

Any tool I could get my hands on were helpful. Then I took what resonated and left the rest. At the time all I had was the will and determination to change but I hadn't yet acquired the skill. I failed many times and didn't always get the reaction I wanted.

That, I simply had to accept.

Not everyone will react the way you expect them too. So my advice is that you find someone whom you can trust and be comfortable with. You can't predict everyone's reaction but you will soon learn to speak more freely and authentically—without the shame.

Final thoughts

No matter what we do in life, it all begins with one thing and that's honesty. Only when you can be honest with yourself can you explore the deepest treasures and hidden secrets that you have been holding inside. You might not always like what you find but you will never come out of it empty handed.

Everything you discover will be of some value to you and help you expand.

And as you look at yourself with honest eyes—without fear or judgement—you'll also see others in a different light. Your view of yourself will shift and you'll finally be able to share who you truly are with the world.

Then, you can love yourself, be vulnerable, embrace forgiveness—and yes ask for help. At the same time, you'll give others permission to do the same. By understanding that we're not alone in our messiness—we'll learn things about ourselves and others beyond what we would have thought possible.

If you enjoyed this piece, leave a comment, a tip, follow me, or make the heart red because it will help me keep writing content like this (See, I need help too).

And if' I'm not your cup of tea, that's okay. I'm just grateful that you took the time to read this article and hope that it brought you something of value that you can take with you on your life journey.

Much love,

Simona