Lonely and afraid.


Loneliness is a disease that can't be cured by anyone else but yourself. The disease found me before I could embrace what was before it. I could still remember all those times when I was younger and full. I could listen to any song with a smile on my face. Never thought to understand any of the lyrics or really "listen". Life to me was a beautiful thing and I was a part of it. Hopefulness filled the air that my lungs took in. In return, my lungs would breathe out anything that could push me down. I grew up optimistic. But that was when I was younger without a care in the world. An era of my life when I would walk outside and feel inspired by the butterflies that flew around my dusty porch or the pretty flowers that crept peacefully in cracks of the sidewalks. Feeling like I was on top of my world. My world soon began to crumble down into those cracks of the sidewalks but no flowers would arise from those. No, my world would be secured in darkness. A journey I was not ready to take.

I had a wonderful family. We were not rich and actually barely had enough money to get by. We always managed but never had anything left over. I didn't mind that my shirt had a dinosaur on it or that my pants were kind of big on me. My mom told me they were given to her by a friend. I was happy and felt comfy when I put them on. I didn't want the fancy clothes or cool stuff everyone had. I was settled with my imagination and my playground world. My mom worked hard to pay the bills and my dad did too. I loved where I lived. I was friends with everyone around my house. I wasn't afraid of people or afraid of who I was. No one looked scary to me or different. Everyone was just people waiting for me to meet them. Outside my house is where you would find me. With a group of kids waiting for my next move. Intrigued with what I would come up with to do next. I was the king of my jungle ready to bring forth my next adventure. Ready to take on the world not knowing it gets darker outside my neighborhood and wilder than my imaginaton could ever think.

The tables turned on my ninth birthday when I woke up before my mom and dad for the first time. I was ready to have the birthday party they always threw for me. I went into my parent's room only to see that my dad was already awake and missing. I thought that he was probably downstairs throwing a surprise party for me. I walked quietly down the stairs with my surprised face ready! I skipped the last stair and jumped into the living room. Silenced filled the empty room. My dad was nowhere to be found. I ran up the stairs to find my mom in her bed. There she laid awake but with a sad look on her face. I asked her if she knew where my dad went. She only stared at me more with tears running down her face. She explained to me that he had left us. That he had moved somewhere else and that he was never coming back home to us. I didn't understand why he wouldn't be coming back home. He lives here? With us because we are a family and this is our home. That was the first time a piece of me broke. The beginning of my life and how I came to be the person I am now. The feeling of rejection and betrayal when I would soon find out my dad had another family. I didn't have a party but was still given the gift of fear. The fear of not having my dad anymore. The fear of everything changing around me. My fear soon turned to a reality that only brought my first taste of loneliness. I would soon figure out that I would get to taste it again.

A life without feelings is not a life at all. You can feel the most wonderful feelings but there also comes the worst feelings that happen at the worst times. You just have to figure out how to deal with them in your own way without hurting those around you. My way was to inhale all of my feelings as one and to embrace every dark and butterfly feeling inside me. Then exhale them with one single breath. No horrible storms or crazy reactions to follow. I learned this was the way to survive. But I also saw that not everyone does it my way. Some do not react in time and let their feelings take over for them. I saw this horrible truth from my mom. If you do not watch and observe your feelings before reacting to them, it could ruin someone's life. Like my life.

psychologygriefmental health
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