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SAD girl.

For all the SAD boys and girls.

By Billie WhytePublished 17 days ago 3 min read
Top Story - November 2023
SAD girl.
Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

My heart is aching with such a putrid weight recently.

Unfortunately, that is the nature of seasonal depression.

The nights have drawn in, the darkness lingers longer than usual and my body begins to shut down in its entirety, with the exception of the constant whirring of my stomach and mind.

I no longer recognise myself in the mirror as the dissociation sets in and the features across my face begin to blur into nothingness.

I've always struggled with the autumn and winter months.

I'm finding little to no joy in the things I usually do; cooking, cleaning, playing with my son. It shames me to admit that it all becomes quite monotonous.

I wake up in the morning with an immense sense of dread, struggling to escape the intense clutch that the security of my bed provides.

It's supposed to be a joyous time of year, my son turns one next week and instead, I'm battling feelings of low self worth and anxiety like you could never imagine; unless of course, you feel it too.

The clinical name hits home more frequently than I'd like to admit.

Seasonal Affective Disorder. SAD.

I'm nothing if not simply... SAD.

There are things I can do to ease the aches and pains that are psychosomatic. Albeit, a minute amount of strength required, a strength that I feel I don't have at the moment.

I stood over my son's cot a couple of nights ago, and how the tears flowed.

"He deserves better than this" I told myself.

"He needs strength and courage, not cowardice and tears"

In all honesty, there's a part of me that recognises that I'm clinging onto my sanity by a thin, ready to break piece of cotton, if only for him.

I'll always hold on for him.

I find comfort in food, and watch as my waist expands. One pound, two pounds, three pounds, four.Five pounds, six pounds, seven pounds... more.

My mind takes me to all sorts of places as of late. I wish I could wallow in self-pity, but the existence of my one year old no longer allows for it. I recognise that as a good thing, but I'm exhausted from the daily fight to get out of bed as is.

But in amongst it all, there's glimmers. Little beacons of hope and sunshine. Metaphorically and literally speaking.

I may have eaten my weight in junk food the last few weeks, but I've not purged like I used to. I call that progress.

I may have cried my heart out as I watched my son sleep, and I may have awoken him with not so silent sobs, but the smile on his face, washes all my fears, self doubt and negativity away.

I also may have resigned myself to the front door for more cigarettes than were necessary, but in that... I felt the warmth of the sunshine on my face.


Above all else, and despite how I feel... I'm more hopeful than the last time I defined myself as a sad girl. As I acclimatise to the change in weather, I cling desperately onto the fact that good things are on the way.

A holiday with my mum, who lives too far away for me to see more than 3 - 6 monthly and usually for a short weekend.

My son's first birthday, and the look on his face when he opens the living room to see it adorned by Mickey Mouse balloons, a birthday breakfast food and presents galore.

Above all else, like the seasons come and go, as the seasons pass, so will this feeling.

For me, and for you.

mental health

About the Creator

Billie Whyte

Forever wingin' it.

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Excellent work. Looking forward to reading more!

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Comments (15)

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  • Linda Rivenbark10 days ago

    Thanks for this meaningful story. I needed it today. You renewed my hope for the future.

  • ROCK12 days ago

    I moved from the USA to Sweden and thought I understood SAD; you nailed it. Brutal and brittle 'tis winter. I appreciate your candor.

  • Mason Darnielle16 days ago

    This captures so much real feel emotions, Seasonal depression is something my mother struggles with this really reminded me of how people close to me struggle with it.

  • Kulshum Khatoon16 days ago

    Your words have the power to resonate with many who may be experiencing similar feelings. Truly a masterpiece!

  • Ellie Mayze17 days ago

    I suffer from SAD too and often feel very alone with it. It's actually really such a relief for me to remember that I'm not losing my mind it's just that - it's Autumn. Wishing you all the best over the colder months!

  • Mr Ahsan17 days ago

    Congrats on the top story. 💔 A poignant portrayal of the struggles with seasonal depression, yet hopeful glimmers shine through. The resilience and love for the son bring warmth to the narrative. 🌈❤️

  • Margaret Brennan17 days ago

    omg, you seem to know what I went through so many years ago - and still now, have those feelings off and on. GREAT poem. congratulations on TS.

  • Lily17 days ago

    I hate that you are going through this, but I love that you are brave enough to share it with us. We must keep going and proving it wrong, hopeful someday we can't even hear it anymore.

  • Very carefully wrought with delicate and deeply human emotions

  • Daphne Sampson17 days ago

    Beautifully written. Congrats on your toy story!

  • Rachel Deeming17 days ago

    You know what, recognising what is wrong is half the battle as at least you know what you're dealing with. And you know it will pass. I reckon that cotton thread is extra strong. And your son's birthday is going to be amazing with a mum like you in charge. Lucky boy.

  • Rene Peters17 days ago

    Congrats on top story! Very well written! 💜

  • Beautifully penned and so relateable. And the endinf is absolutely perfect 🤍

  • Mother Combs17 days ago

    love this

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