Putting The Pieces Together

It was August 2017. I was in training at my new job as a 911 dispatcher, and when I wasn't working or studying for work, I was preparing for NaNoWriMo.

My project that year was a science fiction novel about aliens taking over Earth through mind control, but the hero of the story needed to have something different about the way his brain worked that caused the mind control implant to malfunction.

I did briefly consider making him autistic, but I decided that since I wasn't autistic (or so I thought), it wasn't my place to write about the autistic experience. In my mind, ADHD was much more straightforward and easier to research, plus I had a close friend with ADHD so if I had questions I could ask her. Autism, however, is much more multifaceted, its spectrum much larger, and I was afraid to misrepresent it, or to hog the spotlight when I had nothing to do with the community.

But there was something not quite right about ADHD for my purposes; it wasn't quite as much of a different operating system as autism, and it didn't feel believable that a mind control chip just wouldn't work in someone who was inattentive and had trouble organizing and beginning tasks (not to gloss over the vast presentations and complications of ADHD or reduce it to the stereotype - I'm well aware of the many different ways it can affect people).

So I began to research autism. As a complete newcomer to the online autism information world, I didn't know what was legitimate and what wasn't, so in those first days I'm sure I got some misinformation. But as I went on, finding autistic YouTubers such as invisible i and Amythest Schaber, autistic-run blogs on Tumblr, Facebook pages and groups that shared autism-related content, the number of times I thought wait, this isn't normal? Everyone doesn't do/think/feel/need this? quickly climbed into the hundreds.

At this point, there was a pretty good chance I was autistic. I began to look into the diagnostic process, but unfortunately most of the options are for children, because one of the myths the neurotypicals who run autism research spread is that children "grow out" of autism, or don't need resources in adulthood unless they're unable to care for themselves. It took me weeks of phone calls to find a place that would test adults and took my health insurance (through a big name company, no less).

Finally, I found a psychologist who tested adults, and made my appointment. It took an initial meeting (to which I brought a 6-page document of all my signs and symptoms since childhood and examples thereof), a second appointment for testing, and a third follow-up appointment spread across 3 months, but in December 2017, I received my official diagnosis.

Since then, my self-love and acceptance have skyrocketed. I no longer have a mantra of I'm weak, I'm stupid, I can't do things other people can running through my mind on a loop. When I can't do, understand, or tolerate something, instead I tell myself it's okay, you have a disability and you're valid; just do what you can, and that makes a world of difference.

If you're questioning whether you could be autistic, first remember that there is no shame in it! Autistic people are wonderful and diverse, and we bring creativity, intelligence, and new ways of thinking to the world. Seek out other autistic people, and social media groups, and you'll find a wonderful, vibrant, supportive community. And remember, even if it turns out you're not autistic, your exploration and analysis of your psyche is valid!