No Boobies

As a young woman, I wanted to have BOOBs! As in larger breasts. Apparently, I wasn’t going to be satisfied with the body I had given me. I always want more. 💔

Often when I think back at the Amanda I was, I find so much irony.

I was always on the smaller side. In high school, if somebody would comment on my size or weight, I remember saying something like…

“I am lucky, I have small bones”. Or something else dismissing myself. I was happy with my “bone size”, just not my boob size.

I can not believe the self-hate that has come out of my mouth! I am just downright MEAN to myself. I would not ever treat anybody or anything the way I treat myself.

Point is, I have not ever had a positive body image. I hate that I have spent time judging myself so harshly, but I have, and I often still do. The biggest difference is that now I am not “small chested”, I can’t “just sneak socks into my bra” to feel more confident in my body. To put a visual to it, today, my chest is concave. It isn’t like a man's chest, mine goes inward!

There are many aspects of breast cancer that surprised me. During chemotherapy, I didn’t mind losing my hair. At that time, I was too sick to wash & care for my hair anyway. Plus, not having to shave was an unexpected benefit. However, I could hardly stand to not have eyebrows or eyelashes. That could be partly due to the fact that I have absolutely zero sense of style, fashion, or make-up so on the chance I could pretend to put myself together… I didn’t know how to put on fake eyelashes, I tried many times.

As soon as I recovered enough from chemo, I was excited to finally get my bigger boobies! Yay, I felt like I hit a milestone! Back under anesthesia, back under the knife, back with tubes & bags hanging out of my chest, and back to healing.

{Who was I getting breasts for anyway? I was now 38 years old, very happily married, but most of all, we were not ever going to be parents, so why did I think they mattered.}

The label, Breast Reconstruction, does not begin to express the pain & trauma induced on a woman’s body. Another instance of, “if I knew then, what I know now”.

They pumped those bags full! Simply said, the plastic surgeon had put balloons UNDERNEATH my breast muscles, and then I would go to his office weekly for the Physician Assistant to pump them full. This was as painful as it sounds, but if I had made it through breast cancer… bigger breasts were my “reward”.

10 weeks later, we were back to the hospital for the doctor to replace the balloons with the implants. As a breast cancer patient, these surgeries and procedures are not considered elective. It is interesting how all of the sudden, a woman looking more womanly is covered & almost encouraged. However, when that same woman wanted to make her own choices about that same body prior to cancer, well, it just isn’t the same.

I tried, friends. I wanted to fit in with “normal women”, in my eyes. I wanted to go back to “normal” so bad and I was determined to fit in with others. I thought this might be my opportunity to feel more comfortable. After what I had been through, I was proud of those boobies.

For me, those bigger boobies, they lasted a grand total of 16 months. I was not able to heal, I had bigger boobs, but I could not function.

Like many other times, I chuckle at myself now. I thought of bigger boobs would help my confidence, or that it was an accomplishment after completing treatment. However, one of my happiest days… getting those suckers taken OUT!

I had my implants removed in November of 2019. By January of 2020, my body was on the mend and I could feel improvement day after day! This was the best I had been feeling physically in years and I continue to be so grateful for even the smallest blessing!

It has been 14 months since not having breasts. I don’t like it, I can not find shirts or tops to fit comfortably, I look funny (also known as different + insecurity). Now, when I look downward, my belly sticks out! Not only do I not have breasts, but my bones just don’t feel so small anymore. The surprise? I am more grateful for THIS body with all of the flab & scars than I could have ever been with a barbie doll figure. I have earned each of my aches, pains, and scars.

🌟❤️ Love your body, we only get the one. ❤️🌟