Waiting on Results

I like to think that I am a fairly optimistic person. Things are not always glitter & unicorns, but I believe my life to be pretty magical! I could not be more blessed. Period! The husband, the family (including the very loved & missed, girls), and the friends that He has provided me, they are all one-of-a-kind & I love them all so very much!

The problem is that nobody can take the fear of cancer out of me. Seriously. When you ask me how I am, I will tell you I am “Good, Thank You”, but what I want to say is:

“Oh, I’m good. You know, just sitting here waiting to find out if my life is heading back to the dumpster fire labeled Amanda or not”! I guess I learned a while ago that most people are more comfortable when I give them the first response!

Maybe, I might be able to compare this to something other people can now relate to, Covid. The feeling of a “previous cancer patient” (that’s what I call myself, even optimistic people are not blind to the realities of cancer) waiting for the results of an ultrasound or scan is similar to the way many of us felt in April 2020 in regard to COVID-19. You don’t know much about it, but nothing you hear is not fun & is it all sounds pretty scary. Yes. That seems like a decent comparison. Except, some of us have had some control of Covid, not much but a little control is better than no control. So me, and my loves, have STAYED HOME! Like, seriously, we don’t go inside of any public place… Up until mid-December, I hadn’t even been INSIDE of a doctor’s office, clearly going out to a restaurant is completely out of the question!

**I will pause to acknowledge & thank the love of my life, Brian! He is the best & I love sharing my life with this man! However, I put the emergency brake on Brian in early March & this social, on the go man… He had to STOP & like NOW! He did! Brian, thank you for all of your sacrifices! I see them, I appreciate them, and I love you!**

Waiting for answers is scary. We all like to know more, I love information. In fact, my latest obsession (other than yarn) is history! History is probably more comforting to those I love than my other obsession, crime tv {Wives with Knives & such}. There is so much to learn, I wish I had cared more before, but I have today to absorb as much information as possible! The answer to, “has cancer returned?” takes precedence in my life and as much as I lean on Him, this is a scary question!!!

All of my answers are in the radiology equipment (x-ray, CT, & ultrasound)! Now, I want to learn radiology (or at least how to read breast imaging)! Common! Tell me already! I need to know what you know! Except, I get to WAIT! I don’t just wait for the machine to read my image and share the knowledge with the professionals. Then, I also get to wait for the game of telephone to reach me. This is where I stand today.

I am so grateful for technology! I can not begin to imagine the fear & dread of women years back while they wait to see what comes out in black & white! After losing a friend to breast cancer in 1998, I think of all of the advances in medicine & technology. When I think of breast cancer today in comparison to breast cancer in the 90s, it is tough, I wish it were easy, but I think waiting a matter of hours, compared to days sounds doable, right?

I also believe that the sun is just a little brighter & there is a pinch of extra gratitude from me when I remember that tomorrow might not come.

Love to All!