My Ongoing Journey to Self Acceptance

January 2021

I’m always keeping track and keeping score. How old I am, what I’ve eaten today, how much money I’m making, how much I’ve worked out this week, how much art I’ve made this month. It can be draining to keep score. It can highlight disappointments I have with myself. But lately, I've been trying to tell myself, “think less, feel more”. As a dancer, that’s something that I’ve heard in the studio. I’ve also heard it in guided meditations and I think it applies to many parts of my life. Instead of basing what to eat on what I’ve eaten earlier in the day, I am trying to base those decisions on how hungry I am and what I want to eat. Instead of holding myself to a strict work out schedule, I listen for when my body and my mind wants to move. And as it turns out, as a longtime mover, I want to move pretty often. I think it’s about the rules we give ourselves and how they align with our values. I don’t know that working out for the sake of having a six pack and being slimmer truly aligns with my values. Moving my body for the pleasure that it brings me and my desire to maintain my relationship to movement and dance is more in line with my values. If I consider myself an artist and human that is interested in connection, healing, learning and growth then that’s what my goals should align with. I’m thinking that if I become more in touch with who I am at my core, then it will be possible to quiet down the comparisons that I often make between others and myself. My automatic response to other people’s achievements is often to compare myself to them and inevitably feel a sense of shame at the idea that I’m not measuring up to where they are. But, if I know who I am and I practice acceptance, curiosity and openness on the journey to accomplishing my goals, then I think it will matter less what other people are doing. Or, even better, I can applaud what other people are doing and be genuinely happy for them.

Gratitude is a helpful practice on this trajectory. Gratitude for my body, my loved ones and the warm home that I inhabit puts things in perspective. It can highlight the seemingly small things that hold my days together. Eating good food, having a nice conversation with a friend, feeling sunshine on my back. It can be easy to overlook these things that make my life joyful on a micro scale. These things are also the ones that I have control over and that can be there regardless of knowing what the future holds, regardless of where I am in the world or in my life. There will always be little happinesses that I can tie together in a rope and always hold onto to, even when things are difficult and uncertain.

I am a strong believer that things are never just one way. Life is full of grey area and nuance. Slowing down to notice the details is a powerful tool in seeing and recognizing that. The contradictions can be overwhelming but maybe they can also be reassuring. There is always a possibility of being sad if I look for it but on the flip side, I know that even when I am feeling low, there will be sparks of light throughout my day. Life has ebbs and flows. It feels increasingly important for me to ride that wave without so much judgement. Instead of judgement, I am trying to redirect my thoughts to be patient with myself and remind myself that I am enough.