Let’s Talk About Love and Sex

There is talk about the influence of the media on the couple, about self-confidence and partner. It's time to dump her and move on.

Sex quality

Quality sex? More and more often we hear this formula with a commercial flavor. We can measure the quality of the water we drink because we have first determined which elements should contain drinking water and, especially, which harmful elements should not contain. Drinking water means first of all satisfying a physiological need.

Even if we talk about food, things get complicated, because eating is an act with profound psychological and social implications. Needless to say, in the human race, psychological factors become even more important in sexual intercourse, and are they predominant in terms of obtaining pleasure? If we are to measure the quality of sexual pleasure, not the quantitative indicators (duration, frequency, intensity) will be useful to us.

Love and its meanings

Each of us has a lot of automatic reactions, which seem to be part of our "nature". They are elements of a learning-driven scenario, depending on the environment and events we have been exposed to. The expectations regarding the couple's relationship start to be structured from the first childhood (is it someone who didn't play with his mother and father?). When you leave adolescence, the ideal love scenario is set up (even if you are often unaware of it).

It could be said that love and sex can be divided into three topics that we can address: about sex and fertility, about sex and aggression, about love and sex. Only the last category is relevant for sexual pleasure in a couple's relationship.

Sexual pleasure appears in a scenario in which sex is related to love, but why not a scenario in two, in three, or in as many as you want?

The script is built from childhood when mom and dad are the most beautiful and powerful beings in the universe. So the original story is one in two. In addition, the love story is built on three main axes: involvement, intimacy, passion. All three involve a one-on-one relationship.

Scenario building

Just as some people like vacations in exotic places, and others visit the ruins of extinct civilizations, there are different scenarios in the couple's relationship. I will present three variants, each of them privileging one of the three main axes stated above.

1. Ship that resists waves (stable relationship). The partners especially value involvement and solidarity, which favors the development of the intimate space. The constant increase in intimacy is what fuels passion. The incomplete variant is the stagnant relationship: the partners remain tied to a common project but fail to move from the team stage to the couple stage. Those who want, but do not get a stable relationship, usually choose to take refuge in work (the closest satisfaction of substitution).

2. The house built, the tree planted, the child born (lasting relationship). Partners need a lot of privacy; involvement is a consequence of the desire to build a relationship with a partner who is different and who keeps that something that makes him special. Passion springs from the attraction of opposites. The evil that lurks in this type of relationship is fatigue. That is why those who fail in such a relationship take refuge in comfort: the car, the house provide a kind of security and become substitutes for the metaphor of intimacy.

3. Hidden treasure (deep relationship). Passion is very important in this scenario. Involvement is manifested by trying to define as clearly as possible the common project. But the big challenge is to achieve privacy. They begin to confuse the depth of the relationship with passion, love with love. They are again and again at the beginning of some spectacular blooms that have no end.

A relationship involves investment

Sexuality is only one part (be it the most important) of a couple's relationship, and the part can never replace the whole without becoming excessive. If we look more closely, we notice that measuring the success of sexual life by the frequency and intensity of orgasms merges with the fear of long-term relationships ("to be free", "not to be caught", "not to get involved so as not to suffer").

Building a relationship involves a huge investment of time, motivation, resources, and, of course, a risk of failure. Last but not least, it is about harmonizing the biological, emotional, social, sexual rhythms of two people with different histories, experiences, and expectations. Succeeding means, among other things, a wider and more complex sexual pleasure.