Learning to Let Go of Fear

"If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it’s not fixable, then there is no help in worrying."

~ The Dalai Lama

I have been wracking my brain for weeks in an attempt to pinpoint the thing in my life that I would like to focus on to "rest," but the truth is that I would like to rest... everything.

The tension emanates through me from my fingertips and toes up to my neck and shoulders and even into my scalp. Heck, even my hair feels tired, but at least there's three-minute miracle for that!

Still, there's no three-minute miracle cure for when you're exhausted in the deepest sense, and I can't help but think of one of my all-time favorite quotes from my all-time favorite author, J.R.R. Tolkien:

"I feel all thin, sort of stretched... Like butter scraped over too much bread."

~Bilbo Baggins in The Fellowship of the Ring

(You can read all about my favorite author HERE)

So, I've had a struggle of identifying just what I could resolve to "rest." I'd love to say that a vacation or massage or night out with the girls (or a delightful new mattress) would make me feel refreshed and ready to take on the world again, but sometimes, things aren't quite as simple as that.

Truthfully, I'd almost given up on writing about this particular topic, but as I sit here in the fetal position, compulsively rocking back and forth in the throes of another moment of uncontrolled anxiety, I finally know where I would like to channel my "resting" energy.

I would very much like to rest my whole mind, body, and spirit, but really, I know that I would feel immense relief if I could find a way, if only for a few minutes a day, to rest and soothe my nervous system.

I seem to be stuck in the "fight, flight, or freeze" instinct from years of living with PTSD, and though I have become adept at handling almost anything that life throws at me with an initial and surprising ease, the after-effects of these constant attacks on my mental, emotional, and physical stability have worn my body and nerves down to a dangerously thin strand, and the result is painfully clear:

The stress is slowly killing me.

Actually, I should say that it is my reaction to the stress that is slowly killing me.

In the words of my beloved chiropractor:

"Lena. No matter what you do, you will not be able to lower your inflammation, pain and weight until you find a healthier way to deal with your stress."

For years, I have brushed off the suggestion of friends, family, doctors, and even Scriptures that tell me that there is a measure of my anxiety that I have power over.

I know this is the truth, and I always have. But habits are hard to break -- especially habits that our minds do, seemingly free of conscious thought.

There are some instinctual responses that I cannot help. Such as the fact that the sound of my cat suddenly meowing makes me jump out of my skin. Or that when someone starts yelling around me, I instinctively go through a series of actions:

Flinch and/or jump and look for the source of sound.

Clench fists into the ready and/or reach for a weapon.

Poise for attack and/or flight.

Handle the immediate situation like a rockstar ninja.

Spend the next several minutes to hours being flooded with adrenaline and fear.

A lifetime of trauma and PTSD has conditioned this reflex into me in the same way that hunger and thirst condition us to seek food and water.

I am well-aware that there are numerous things in this life that I cannot control -- really, there is nothing external to ourselves that we have true control over, and I have always insisted that my reaction to the many stressors in my life has conditioned me to be a survivor.

To a great extent, I stand by that assessment as I have successfully faced down bullies and their fists and their knives, and I have backed bears down with a stare (true story).

And Yet...

I know that I also use these stories and history as a shield and an excuse not to put forth the needed effort to change, because what scares me more than these bullies and bears is the overwhelming concept of changing myself -- 0f acknowledging this great flaw within myself.

Still, the thing that I am most afraid of in this life is fear itself. I am so tired of living in fear. I am so tired of flinching and jumping every time I hear a sudden loud noise. I am tired of reaching for a weapon every time something takes me by surprise.

I am no Milla Jovovich, and there are no Zombies to defeat, except the zombie that I have allowed myself to become. It is true that fear has saved my life on more than one occasion, but it is also proving to be my greatest enemy, and I'm tired of letting it be champion over me.

So, after years of denying this basic truth, I am ready to finally accept it and say:

I am not powerless over my own mind and body. I will no longer allow my anxiety to control me.

I have not figured out all the ways that I will defeat this life-long enemy, but I have determined that I will no longer allow fear and anxiety to be champion over me.

It will be a process. This much I do know. I also know that I will need to both seek and accept help in this journey, and that will be a battle all in its own right, but it will be a battle I will win.

As for right now, I can begin by engaging in the following activities every day:

Take a few moments to close my eyes and practice breathing exercises in a safe space.

Take a few moments to pray, read the Bible, and meditate on what I read (others might simply meditate).

Take a few moments to practice mindfulness exercises.

Think of at least one way in which I am safe and stable and add to the list, reading it every day.

Speak openly with at least one person I trust and love.

Take a few moments to pet and interact with each of my beloved pets and think about how they trust and need me.

Spend at least a few minutes outside, smelling and feeling the air, watching and listening to the sounds of nature, and feeling the grass on my bare feet.

Allow myself to "zone out" when I need to, without heaping self-judgment or shaming upon myself.

Complete at least one proactive or productive thing.

Ask for help when I need it.

I will also give myself a break if I don't actually complete this list every day, because knowing myself, I won't, but I can try.

The biggest and first step in any process of self-improvement is always acknowledging the problem, anyway, and that I have finally done. (And on Vocal, too. So, you know it's legit)

I can resolve, though, to keep trying to learn how to let myself rest and find peace.

I will keep learning how to let go of fear.

"Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are okay. Right now, today, we are still alive, and our bodies are working marvelously. Our eyes can still see the beautiful sky. Our ears can still hear the voices of our loved ones."

~Thich Nhat Hanh

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