It Matters

I've started this article many times, always deciding I don't have the words to do justice to the feelings, therefore erasing it from my computer and mind. The fact is, these things keep coming up and every time I'm reminded that it needs to be dealt with, it needs to be addressed. But, how do I explain all of the ways that my life was different and why it mattered. How does that matter for the people reading it? The fact is, it needs to be talked about because life is real, love is real, hurt is real. It matters, it effects your life and it can't be dismissed like it didn't shape your life.

We grow up believing that our parents have our best interests in mind. What happens when, in the blink of an eye we have to reevaluate if that's true- if we believe that our parent's decisions are truly in our best interests or not. What if parents have flaws too and they make decisions that actually suck? What if their unprocessed life led to these decisions? What if it will mean that for me too if I pretend it's not happening before my eyes?

Bear with me as I break it down:

When I was 8, I was told, for the first of many uncountable times, that it would get better soon. Dad was just gone working so that I could have the things I needed and wanted. It was worth the hurt of separation, right?

When I was 9, I was told that it would get better soon. The move was for the best so that we could be together as a family. I was young, I could make new friends easily, right?

When I was 11, I was told it would get better soon. I needed to be happy and move just one last time. I was still young so I would make friends again. Besides, I can be back in a smaller school. Isn't this great?

When I was 12, I was told the same thing. Mom was just gone working while dad got better. She would be back soon, but soon turned into 9 months. Soon turned into more fillers that "it would get better soon."

When I was 13, I was told that it would get better soon. Lots of parents get divorced, lots of kids get used to it and lots of good can still come from this. We just needed to figure out our new life, right?

At 14, I started telling myself these things. I needed to stay with friends for just a short while until things were figured out. I needed to stay for school and the friends and relationships I had made. Things made sense this way, right?

At 15, 16 and 17 the phrase became a constant in my life. It would get better soon. It was for the best. These things happen for a reason. The moving, the fighting, the transitions, it would all get better soon. I would be in college soon, things would be different there, right?

Here I am at 20, still telling myself that things are going to get better. Still believing that tomorrow will make it better. Still hoping that a new life situation will some how make it better.

It doesn't look the same for you, the situations are different. BUT, in today's broken and hurting world, the mantra's are the same and the bandaids put over our wounds do not actually heal us.

In the process, wherein I started life learning and hoping that it would get better rather than dealing with my problems, I have learned two things. First, these things mattered and they deserve to be processed and dealt with. They will shape the rest of my life and are the reason for who I am today. Second, it does get better, but you have to help it along- you can't just sit around and repeat the mantra to yourself in hopes that the universe hears you and does something about it. Now, I realize that at just eight years old I couldn't have done much to change my situation, but I hope to one day teach my children that they are empowered and can do more than hope that it will get better soon.

Taylor Swift said it best, "Bandaids don't fix bullet holes," and pretending you are helpless to your situation won't fix it either. You can either stand up and fight, changing your life into what you want it to be, or you can sit down, hope it gets better and be battered for the rest of your life. Which will it be?

Here are some practical ways to deal with the ways you are hurting- rather than shoving them in the bottle of your brain to be brought back at inconvenient times in the future.

1. Journal it out, no one can understand what you are going through better than yourself! It's private, it makes you think about it and it provides healing. You can even look back on it in the future for advice of your younger, more ignorant self!
2. Be honest: Tell those who are hurting you how they are hurting you. Don't fight, don't yell, don't blame- just be honest. They might not even be aware unless you tell them. People don't read minds, after all.
3. Plan for a different future: How would you do something different if you were to experience this later? How would you handle it as a different party in the problem?
4. Lean on those who love you: They love you for a reason, use it! Don't feel guilty about needing to experience the love that someone is already giving you!
5. PROCESS PROCESS PROCESS: Pretending something hurtful didn't exist never fixed it

Where there is hurt, there is hope.