High Functioning Anxiety

Depression does get thrown into the bowl where my anxiety disorder lives and gets blended into each and every day of my life. It is a recipe for survival I create by living/coping each day. At the tender age of 26 symptoms of my Generalized Anxiety Disorder were rearing their ugly faces in my daily life. I seemed to feel more and more nervous and unsettled in daily activities. Getting up in the morning for work became a very taxing event. In a matter of mere minutes, my brain would convince me that I was not safe outside of my apartment and that even if I did go to work, there would be an infinite number of possible things that could go wrong and I would be the cause.

My entire career has been in the Human Services field, where I support people. I've always been successful in my various roles as a caregiver as I am a naturally nurturing and very caring person. These roles of being a caregiver come with its own set of stresses. Being responsible for a human beings life, I have come to realize, stresses me significantly. Being naturally nurturing and a natural caregiver, I have "forced" myself to continue to work in the Human Services field, with the mentality of "no one else is going to take care of me".

Each day of my working life (25-present {41}) I have coped with my high levels of anxiety and my overwhelming thoughts to flee any situation that gave me anxiety. Now, for someone diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, this means feeling threatened and scared 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

I figured out how to completely hide my fear from my own thoughts in my head by being funny and laughing often. People tend to enjoy this type of co-worker and no one has ever seemed to notice that I seem nervous or in any distress. Wanting to work full time "just like everyone else" is all I have ever wanted. I have been willing to "do whatever it takes" to function the best I can in order to maintain full-time employment. It has only recently come to my attention that being under such intense internal stress all day every day keeps me employed, but also robs me of any and all energy that may be left over at the end of my days.

I am proud of myself for being able to cope with such a high level of stress and anxiety, as well as reoccurring bouts of depression. However, looking back on my life it is blatantly obvious that my work life has always taken precedence over EVERYTHING ELSE. I have a few friends and it is common to be informed by one or all of them that I never seem to want to spend time or go out with them. It seems my excuses revolve around getting to bed early enough to get a good enough sleep to see me through the next work day. It's all about keeping that job and being financially independent, and nothing about how I feel.

I am good at making it look like I am content and enjoy every moment of my life. The older I get, the more I realize that I would love to see if I can live a life where my job doesn't fill me with anxiety every moment of every day. This means me finding employment that demands less responsibility from me. This means good self-care. This means, finally, that "I've got my own back".