Fibromyalgia and Relationships

Fibromyalgia, a disease that affects 3-6% of the world population, is a debilitating and impacts the relationship the sufferer has with the people around them.

Intimacy often proves difficult because medication, depression, and general pain or soreness associated with acid reflux or muscle pain can leave the patient bewildered. Many sufferers find it is hard to maintain any relationships with the people around them, but intimacy with a partner is especially difficult. Looking at intimacy as an art form instead of just sex may be an answer to routinely maintain a healthy intimate relationship.

Cultures outside the United States view intimate relationships differently. For instance, not every culture considers a kiss to be mouth to mouth. And cultures, like the Hindu, feel that the nature of love, or rather, the desire for it, is what holds the intimacy of a couple together.

In this article, I'd like to discuss the main reasons why it may be difficult to maintain healthy relationships at home and at work and how to fix it.

Most of the time when we are engaging in something we consider part of our normal routine, we fail to see the benefits of the activity. I remember a doctor asking me how active I was when he first diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I told him I only did yoga about once a month. He shook his head in retort and said I should be taking walks every day for at least 30 minutes. My response was, "Well, doc, I'm on my feet for 18 hours a day at work and my steps are equivalent to anywhere from five to fifteen miles a day. How much more walking should I do?"

What I didn't realize at the time was that being overly active is an issue for me. I never regarded my full-time job as exercise. And I probably didn't because, first and foremost, the activity was by no means fun and it didn't seem to raise my heart rate like a cardio exercise would. Frankly, I think my doctor believed the same thing since he prescribed physical therapy for me three times a week.

I believe that my unhealthy approach to my day played a large role in my pain. One of the best benefits I've learned for my body after my diagnosis is to not abuse it for anyone or anything. This includes a job, coworkers, friends, a partner, and even friends of the furry kind.

There was a time when I never said no to anyone in my life, but the one that topped the list was my boss. Most of that stemmed from a looming fear of being fired. I now realize that fear to be simply silly since saying no to the extra workload is, and should, be fine for both you and your boss.

I remember a time where I had to be very bold with a boss because she felt I should be handling far more than other managers in our department store. Her thoughts centered around the fact that I was "so much younger" than the rest of them and could handle it. I understand that one needs to take rookie proverbial lumps in the beginning of a career but once those lumps stretched into a decade, I got a little feisty.

I recall my boss telling me in writing to lift a washer on top of a dryer by myself because everyone else in the store had a bad back and could not help me. That boss said that if I did not perform the task I would be fired and I performed the task because of that fear. Later that week she wanted me to work several days overnight and move departments around. I again was told that if I didn't keep doing what I was told that I'd be fired. After two full weeks of this mistreatment, I found my voice and fought back.

My response? "Go ahead and fire me! I can collect unemployment and make more on that than what you are paying me here."

Things were different after I said that. I'm not sure if it was because I gained their respect, or if I put some fear in them about the labor board. Either way, I was glad that I gained some confidence by speaking up.

Now, obviously, I do not condone arguing with a boss, but sometimes you do have to stick up for yourself when personalities clash. An if they clash to the point where you feel a tidal wave is between you and your superior, then that boss isn't the right fit for you. It is important that a boss understands you need a work/life balance. Your job should not be consistently taking you away from your life tasks of house upkeep, bill paying, children playing, and spousal time.

A few huge warning signs that a boss is not the right fit for you is when he feels he can call you at home at any time of the day or night, you are compelled by the boss to skip your lunch, she schedules her pedicures when you are the only other manager working with her (seriously this DID happen to me sadly), OR they call your home and your own mother has to listen to the whining and yelling on the other end. (Again, this seriously happened to me, sadly.)

All of these instances I have described were from separate bosses. You'd think I would have learned to treat myself with a little more respect-- even when I was in my twenties, but I always thought this was just a normal part of being a rookie until I saw the movie Two Weeks Notice.

Everything any boss put me through in the nineties was put on screen for this movie and I started to realize just how ridiculous it all was. I can laugh about all of this mistreatment now because I've grown in the past two decades, but back then, I really thought life was about pleasing other people– no matter who the person was in relation to my life.

Learning your boundaries and limitations is the first step to a healthy relationship and it also benefits a healthy sexual relationship, as well. Now, I'm not saying you need a Christian Grey ironclad contract between you and your significant other, but it is good to keep a journal of your hard limits and review them with your partner. Not only does the act of having sex make you feel more confident, but you are also less likely to feel self-conscious with you partner if you are open about your limits. This type of interaction can be just as fun as the actual deed if you become creative with it. In other words– flirt like Steele and Grey did in their emails! It just might make opening up your inbox less of a chore.

Fatigue is another large issue for fibro sufferers and can rob you of quality time in your relationships. When I was first diagnosed with fibromyalgia, I had a very hard time with fatigue in the late afternoon. That fatigue robbed me of the only quality time I had to spend with my family and I had to learn how to change it.

There are many culprits that steal your energy, but I'll only be discussing the two that seemed to bother me the most, medication and emotional health. In the beginning, I was prescribed a pain medication that kept me awake at night and led me to feeling overwhelmingly tired by mid-day. When I would come home from work I became depressed because my body was too weak to play with my four-year-old and I felt there was little hope to have any kind of normalcy with my husband.

Depression and medications are two of the leading culprits that rob you of energy and can also lead to the loss of libido. If you feel this is happening to you, discuss your concerns with your doctor because intimacy can actually banish depression and allow you to have better sleep. It is important that you discuss with your doctor any factors that may be preventing you from maintaining a healthy sexual relationship with your partner.

Depression can steal other joys in your life like engaging with friends and activities. There had been countless times where I felt like a recluse, not wanting to go out with my friends and not wanting to engage in any of my favorite hobbies or pastimes. When I found that the medication was part of the problem and I weened myself off of it with the help of my doctor, I felt better and was then able to socialize more with my friends.

Relationships are what make us whole. They shouldn't be hard for anyone, including people who suffer from fibromyalgia. I hope that some of my experiences have helped in your own search to lead a pain free as possible life. And as I always say to my readers, stay fabulous!