Don't Do Any Juice Cleanse

People on a juice cleanse are not happy, and yes eating anything in their eyeline is an act of aggression.

I was one of them, so I can tell you with absolute confidence that while on a juice cleanse, everything is fair game and don't eat around them. Not even a cracker.

Back in May 2014, my cousin who had bounced between 5 different pyramid schemes in 2 years had landed on a fitness shake regime and had pulled pretty much everyone in our family into it.

I was the last hold out and the only reason I got into it was because my mother made me do it to 'support the family'.

Gag me.

Anyway, this fitness scheme was primarily about these weird protein shakes and eating like 8 times a day which was exhausting in itself.

But before you could start these shakes and workouts, there was a five day juice cleanse to get through first. I didn't think it was a huge deal, the cleanse included like three 8 ounce shakes, five 12 ounce juices, and you could eat like four stalks of boiled asparagus; you could have all of that throughout the day for just five days.

Not a big deal right?

At the end of day 1, I was hungry but not uncomfortable.

Day 2, I was still hungry, and those shakes were the nastiest thing I have ever tasted in my life, but at the end of the day I felt alright. Hungry, but okay. Couldn't watch Supernatural because Dean ate too much on camera.

Day 3, my boss walked in and talked to me while eating a doughnut and he was grinning like a cat that ate the canary. I wanted to launch myself across the desk and choke him. Then I would eat the doughnut and the canary. But I didn't, I drank the juice and I glared at anyone with food. Did not sleep well.

Day 4. With one day left, I was ready to snap.

My boyfriend invited me over to play video games, you know get out some of my aggression at the rest of the world that was eating. So I go into his apartment and this sick, twisted bastard had ordered pizza with cheese bread and made my own brownies that I invented with raspberries and rum and dark chocolate.

"...what is this?" I asked him.

"Well, you'd been so down the past couple days I thought your favorite food and a night of GTA would help!" He proudly proclaimed as he poured me a glass of wine.

"Do you know why I've been down the past couple of days?" I cocked an eyebrow looking at him.

"Well, because..." he trailed off as he tried handing me the glass but I crossed my arms refusing to take it. "...because work has been stressful."

I rolled my eyes and grabbed my bag.

"I'm on a juice cleanse and starting a new diet where I can't eat anything major until the day after tomorrow and even then I can't have any of this because I'm on a diet." I glared at him.

He got wide eyed and tried to give me an apologetic smile.

"...oops." He shrugged and I just walked out.

I was so mad at him, he never listened to me about anything I said or did. I am so glad I am out of that relationship now.

I am also glad to rehash the last day of this cleanse.

Day 5.

I counted the hours until midnight when I got FINALLY indulge in a healthy sandwich and a small spinach salad.

I was still miserable but at least I could start the tedious diet of eating small tiny healthy meals and snacks eight times a day.

For three months, I did yoga and stuck to my diet and worked out and even did those stupid video diary things on my cousins blog so I could prove I was doing the thing she sold me.

And I pretty much hated it all.

And after 3 months, I still sucked at yoga. The instructor was amazed, she even pulled me aside one day after class and asked if I really wanted to do this because I was making her look bad. It's yoga, literally anyone can do it right? Wrong. I am the one person who will probably ever master it.

What did I learn after all that?

Well, first off that I barely lost any weight at all. Second, that I will never EVER do a juice cleanse ever again.

So, don't taunt the people you know who are doing one because they might kill you.