Apathy: Is This My Superpower?

At 26 years young, I genuinely believe that I have the rest of my life ahead of me, and that 50 is a young age to die. Due to this gratuitous belief, coupled with my goal to die a wise old grandma, I have dedicated my life to the pursuit of learning somethannngs. One of those... things... I've been aware of for some time now is that I emotionally regulate well. So well actually, that I can compartmentalize my emotions into millions of nuanced boxes and virtually eliminate any moments of emotional distress.

Sounds great right?! I float through life calm as a cucumber because I am as they say "unbothered".

Well, it turns out...there's more to that story.

It begins in a galaxy far, far away..... (jk, I don't like Star Wars)

When my best friend, soulmate, and lover without all the s*xxxxx (inside joke) passed away. Before her transition into "angel" status, I had never lost anyone close to me so it was like... Grief? Never met her. On top of that, I perceived my emotional regulation to be a gift from the Gods (thank you universe) and my daily state of being was chill af. So, when I received the devastating news that the love of my life had passed away, I really shouldn't have been surprised to find myself operating at a seemingly normal level a mere three weeks later.

As it goes though, within hours of hearing the news I packed my bags, called out of work, hopped in my black Ford Fusion and set out on the 15 hour drive from Big Spring, Texas to Salt Lake City, Utah. On my way out of town it occurred to me that "holy sh*t, I can't let other people find out the way I did". I quickly pulled over to the side of the road and spent the next half hour making gut-wrenching phone calls to the people she cared the most for.

Do you know what this is like?

It's repeatedly reliving the moment you found out. It's hearing the sound of your screams in the deafening silence of them processing the information. It's heartbreak, over and over and over again.

Yet, it was the responsibility I had and one that would continue.

Get to Utah, pack up her art, clothes, and other valuable possessions for her family to take? Done.

Separate her remaining personal possessions into "keep" or "donate" piles? Done.

Reply to a 100+ condolences with "thanks for reaching out" and "Yea, I'm okay"? Done.

Go back to work, keep your head up, and eyes dry? Done.

Move back to Utah and start a new job like you had planned with her? Done.

Done. Done. Done.

BUT HERE'S THE THING: these recurring moments of composure in chaos didn't feel hard, they felt...normal?

Realizing this, the skill set I was so proud of all of a sudden felt tainted and dark.

To be fair, I always trusted that when I experienced grief for the first time it would be like when Edward left Bella (FOR HER OWN GOOD). I would spend months torn apart, unable to function, fall into a deep depression, and start making reckless choices with my life. I mean, grief is intense and who am I to think I can control one of the most devastating emotions?!

But, continuously having to make logical and reasonable decisions while simultaneously experiencing despair forced me to do what I always did- compartmentalize. I compartmentalized my grief to the point of feeling like I wasn't really grieving at all. This culminated into literally having to give myself permission to cry.

Can you even imagine that?

Losing the person who taught you what it means to fight for the people you love, what self- love was before it was mainstream, challenged you to be a better friend, was literally your other half, and then having to say out loud "Okay Des, you can cry now" just to feel the pain of losing them? It feels like a betrayal. And if she could, she would have been like "UMMMM, I noticed you haven't been falling apart much and honestly that's rude".

In the following 6 months I've figured out that what I was experiencing was closer to apathy than emotion regulation and eventually I would be able to give it a label.

Trauma responses, for those who live under a rock and aren't bombbarded with memes from IG accounts run by people with Internet PhD's on mental health, is basically coping skills developed by people who have experienced trauma. Typically, these "skills" aren't labelled as "good" or "healthy".

To give some context, I had a turbulent childhood that included lack of emotional support and lot's of false promises. Consequently, as I aged like a fine wine, I had a hard time managing my emotions. At some point I got sick of feeling out of control and I conditioned myself out of that behavior.

My emotional regulation started to look something like this:

*Planned a trip and it didn't work out? No big deal, probably for a reason- don't get caught up in feeling sad, just move on.

*Trip did work out and you're sitting on the plane ready to take off? Great! But, be prepared for something to go wrong at the last minute.. you cannot feel excited until you've landed at your destination.

*You've met someone and it seems to be going well? Siiiick! But, don't get too vulnerable and in your feelings- it's a rare occasion when these things work out, so stay vigilante.

*Your best friend died and you have the emotional support you need back in VT? Don't go. You can't be sure that you're not making this decision in a state of "heightened emotion" so just go to Utah as planned and live in her old bedroom.

Do you see the problem? Yeaaaaa. The reality was a blow to my ego and I'm a Gemini so.... ouch.

It goes without saying that I would have happily spent the next decade figuring all of that out if it meant I could have my friend back. The fact is, if she were here she probably would have figured it out before I did and let me know, in no uncertain terms, that I needed to get comfortable with my emotions.

But that's not the reality I get to live in.

I have to live in a world where it took losing her to get me here.

Today, to honor her and myself, I spend more time reflecting on my automatic responses, instead of allowing them to put me in a place of neutral nothingness. I've even started to feel envious of the people around me who can let their guard down...it seems like life is a little bit more fun for them.

While I have a long way to go, I now know that managing emotions doesn't mean compartmentalizing them away. As one of my favorite quotes go "emotions are like visitors, let them come and go".

So I'm working on welcoming them in, without fear of them burning the house down.

And thank you Katie, for continuing to help me grow even in your absence.