I Have Absolutely No Idea What is Going On Part One

I'm going to ramble on.

I haven't fallen asleep yet.

I need to clear my mind.

So I guess I'll bring you guys with me for the ride.

The past year...

I mean, dang... it seems like every year since 2017 has been a total sh** show. Ofcourse, I cannot sit here and say that there has not been beautiful moments... BUT the bad... the dark... the wild... the confusing... sure has found a way to outshine the rest. Looking back now, I appreciate it all. I see how EACH moment was necessary to get to where I am today (where TF that is) BUT whenever you are in the middle of the sh*t show itself... its hard to understand that famous phrase.

Everything happens for a reason.

Everything happens how it should, when it should, for the better good.

Whenever you are having one of the worst days to weeks to months of your life, that is the LAST thing that you want to hear. Who the hell wants to be going through a ROUGH time and in that moment when you need some reassurance, someone basically tells you...

hey, i know sh*t sucks, but its supposed to... atleast for right now anyway.

Because as true as that is, it just leads me to the question of my lifetime.

WHEN DOES IT GET BETTER?????

I must have sat in the dark, cold corner of my room asking that question to myself way too many times to count.

However, this isn't a story where I paint myself as a victim. Truly, this isn't much of a story at all. Stories have beginnings and endings. This is more of an idea, that I seem to be living. It's as if someone brainstormed my life with not much of an idea of where it would go but now all of the writers are just sitting in the room together and playing Mad Libs with my life. What will happen next? Who freaking knows.

But, for sake of lack of more confusion, this is not a story about me painting myself as a victim. This is a story of how I learned to move with a confused yes.

Recently I realized that I have an issue with wanting to control everything around me. I also have a strong urge to consistent growth and change. You would think that the latter would help dissolve that intense need for control.

Eh... guess it depends on the person.

For me, I realized that constantly wanting to grow and heal and change and become the best version of myself would often times leave me in a state of detachment from my reality. In the worst way.

Whenever I was younger, I was hot int he pants, a sucker for a good time and well, simply said the youngest alchoholic I have ever met. My behavior was completely erratic and often times unpredictable. This led to a lot of situations that I had no idea how to fix... or handle... or even come to terms with. The world that I was living in had become as chaotic as the thoughts and desires running through my head. My life was not horrible. It was actually extremely fun BUT once all of those horrid choices caught up to me, it felt as though I was surrounded by nothing but confusion.

I did not like that.

Control what you can and give the rest to God.

That's what they told me in AA.

What I told them was that NOTHING FEELS FREAKING CONTROLLABLE. I kept saying over and over again, life feels like a freaking shit show!!!

Now as a kid, I was extremely good at math. I like math. Math is nothing but patterns and logic. You put 4 and 4 together and you get 8. There will never be a day where you put 4 and 4 together and do not get 8.

In rehab they told me, there is always ONE thing in the world that you can control. And its you. I took that inch, and went 56 miles.

I began to control my actions better, which was great.

BUT I started to move in CERTAIN ways to control the world around me. I became manipulative in the least malicious way. I took everything that I knew from being around so many people my whole life. I looked back on my life and everyone that was in it. I studied how people moved. How they responded to certain things. I immediately started calculating everything in my head like it was some super long math problem that if I could figure out what the 4 + 4 was, I would always get 8. I did this so well so fast that after wanting to throw myself off of balcony, I was out of rehab in 4-5 days.

I spent the next two years after that, very quiet. With a dim light. Doing nothing but watching and observing. Now here I am, 4 years later and well, I guess first... I can say it was confusing. The timing in between then and now.

In a sense we are all looking for that 4+4=8 equation in life right. Looking for the inputs that get us certain outputs. Looking for the actions that make the outcomes make a little bit of sense whene everything seems to be falling apart.

I guess I just went on that whole ramble to say, I spent a lot of my life looking for answers. Answers to my own thoughts and feelings and wants and desires. But for the wrong reasons. I spent even more times figuring out the rest of the world, just to find out how to manuever in it. However, I realize that now sometimes the best answer is the silence whenever you dont recieve one.

Being confused is not as scary as it seems...

Do you know whats worst than confusion?

A fast no.

Quick rejection.

Rushed imperfect work.

Moving with a confused yes also teaches you patience.

Idk, its 6 AM in the morning and I truly am just rambling on and on. This will have a part two. But for now, this is where I am at in life. Maybe whenever I get some more sleep, I will have a better explanation of everything that I am saying.

Before I go, I feel like I should also say what you put into the world, is what you get out of it. In one way or another. I also believe that you get karma for actions before taking them, which is crazy but just like healing isnt linear, I truly believe that time isn't either.

So, the word Jeremy Bearimy would be the timeline for time itself. So you think you are constantly moving forward, when in reality the past the future and the present are all somehow happening at the same time.

How the hell did we even get to this point in the conversation?

Remember when I said that I have no idea what is going on.

I don't know but I can say that I am the happiest I have been in a while. I seem to be smiling again. Laughing again.

And guess what, I am also the most confused that I have been in a very long time.

But I'm choosing to put my best foot forward (whatever that looks like that day) and just keep going whether I have all of the answers or none at all.

I guess my own fear is just doing all that I can and still not being good enough. But that goes back to whenever I said you get out of the world whatever you put into it. Your own thoughts add into that contribution as well. if you think negative thoughts, constantly worry or are anxious over things you have no true control over, you are feeding the world all of that confusion and in result your life will reflect all of that through whatever.

Which also makes me want to point out one more thing before I go to sleep. Remember how much power your thoughts hold. Its not just the things that you say that matter, its also the things that you think. Okay Goodnight.