Dear Diary…

Dear Diary,

It’s me again. Lex.

Man, this year has been… Really, the last three years have been… WHEW! However, THIS YEAR, it feels like I finally became consistent in creating change in my life, rather than waiting for it to happen. Of course majority of what I have attempted to do, has gone the opposite of my way BUT that’s all a part of trusting the process.

Anyway, as you know… the last three years have been some of the most painful years of my life. Even before that, it felt like something was always happening and even if it wasn’t I never truly felt “happy”. For some reason, for me, happiness always felt like it had requirements attached to it that I was not always able to meet. Happiness has ALWAYS felt like something I was either searching for or waiting on. Either my finances were too low or my friends were no where to be found when I needed them.

Either I hated my job or I loved my job but I was working entirely too much. Either my boyfriend didn’t appreciate me or honestly, all of the above at the same time. There was just always SOMETHING in the mix, that made me quite unhappy with the state of my life during those times. So if someone would ask “are you happy?”, I would feel like I was lying when I said yes.

Then! Peep this. Then, I came across a post on instagram about a week ago. It said to remember to schedule joy into your life. So I asked myself…

What is joy?

Are joy and happiness the same thing?

After sitting on that thought, I realized that not only did I schedule joy into my life; but my entire year has been centered around joy.

See, happiness TO ME is a state a mind. It feels like less of a feeling and more of a label. It comes off to me as an overall rating of your life and everything in it.

I asked myself….

What is joy TO ME? I was tired of trying to meet the standard for happiness that I set in my head. I needed joy to be something attainable.

JOY… TO ME…

Joy feels like a current feeling created by a moment. Not only is joy THAT moment but it is the memory created by it. It’s the footage of memories in my head that I can go back to, on days where I am not doing so good. Joy is the shoulder that I can lean on when I need a pick me up. It’s not something I need to schedule into my life, it is now the foundation that I am building my life on top of.

It is knowing that everyday may not be a GREAT day but there is something great to be found in everyday.

For me, JOY are those great things that you find in the day.

Those great things = anything that made me laugh, smile, learn, reflect or grow.

It’s the moment when you and your friend look at each other and instantly know each others thoughts without saying a word.

It’s the moment in the car when your favorite song on your playlist comes on, so you jam out and then play it again because it’s that good. It’s the moment when you look in the mirror and think “damn my skin is really clear today.” It’s the moment when you get into an argument with a friend but at the end you realize, no one was actually wrong, there was just a misunderstanding. It’s the moment when you support someone and you can see just by looking at them that they are grateful.

See, I’ve been taking inventory of my life, meaning I’m reflecting inward and outward. I’ve just been figuring out what led me to who I am to day and what can I do now to get to where I want to be. It’s been quite healing, along with that, I realized that no, the past cannot be erased, nor forgotten but I can decide what will and what will not have power in my life. I now give complete power to things that bring me joy. How? When a friend makes me laugh, I tell them how funny they are. When a friend is there for me, I thank them. When I look in the mirror and notice a great quality, I speak it outloud and thank the man upstairs. When I’m having the worst day ever but then my favorite song comes on and just for those three minutes I feel amazing… I PLAY IT AGAIN! and again. AND AGAIN! And then I DANCE.

This has been so transformative for me because my mind and body are not always connected like they should be. Once I acknowledge that joy outloud, such as dancing at 3 AM in my room to a nolstalgic song… it’s like my body tunes into the good vibes that my mind was already trying to attach itself to. It brings me to a new vibration.

I have always been a grateful person but I have not always been a THANKFUL person and I mean that strictly in the sense of you may know I am grateful, because I am, but you may not hear me say thank you. Now, I realize that I am able to easily activate joy in my life when I SHOW genuine appreciation to whatever it is that is causing that joy. I say the words out loud. I record at least two to three videos a day, whether I’m alone or in company.

I mean man, I RECORDED MY ENTIRE YEAR THIS YEAR!!!

I REACT! I DANCE! I SING ALONG! IM GIVING OUT HUGS!

IM SHOWING GRATITUDE TO MY DREAMS BY WRITING THEM DOWN AND THEN ANALYZING THEM.

I MEAN ANYTHING!!!! ANYTHING THAT BRINGS ME SOME TYPE OF JOY!!!

And IF it doesn’t, I’m looking for that bright side. I cannot simply look at the big picture anymore without zooming in. I want to see the details.

Yes, today may have sucked BUT what did I learn? Or today may have sucked but remember when you were pulling out in traffic and someone let you go? Thank God! WHATEVER it is. IDC!

Whenever I feel sad or just need a reminder of how lucky I am to have the life that I have, regardless of current conditions… I go back to those videos that I record. One of the videos is literally just me dancing with a bottle of mouthwash in the mirror. I looked at it the other day and thought to myself “damn my skin was so clear that day. Thank ya to the one and only!”

But anyway, so yeah I’m leaning into Joy this year!!! I’m going to stop trying to force myself to figure out what it truly means for me to be “happy” and just be here… in the present moment… and enjoy it.

So far it has been transformative for me.

In general, I am doing… okay but I am leaning into the fact that when I give power to joy by acknowledging it out loud, it takes away that much power from anything negative.

I am loving this for me.

Sincerely,

Lex.

P.S… my next goal is to figure out why I can’t come up with a catchy catch phrase for my self. But anyway, we’ll talk about that next time. I’m sleepy fr. Goodnight.