Workplace satire, comedy, and all things satirical in the Journal corporate culture digital space.
Sleeping Beauty Never had a 9 to 5 or WiFi
As I get older, I totally understand why people choose sleep over socializing. We are just too damn tired and being an adult is really hard these days, especially if you’re a millennial. I literally have to think of 5 different things just for my skincare routine, so just imagine how exhausting it is to live life. I wanted to start this piece similarly to recipes online where you get the backstory of the recipe when all you want to know is if it was 1 teaspoon or 1 tablespoon of paprika. Luckily for you, this is a short story and ad free.
For my eyes only, keep out. 4th September 20XX Dear Reader, Hello, my name is not important. My work is very classified, and the secrets I hold could change the fate of the world. I feel as though I am being monitored, that is why I am sending these transmissions. This is the only form of communication that I believe to be 100% free of prying eyes.
Why "Words" is 2021 Word of the Year
It seemed like you could not go anywhere this year without seeing words everywhere. In fact you could not read or hear anything about anything all year without them. There were some things that you could see or feel without them, but really when you think about it you still needed word(s) to describe that you saw or felt them, so they probably were still needed in those instances too. In any event, words were freakin everywhere, and that is why I have designated “words” my word of the year.
Santa Claus is a Paedophilic Capitalist
Don't you think that Santa has the habits of a pedophile? He is the only old guy in the world who's encouraged and allowed to watch your children. He watches them when they sleep, even when they are awake; he's not even trying to hide his perverted ways.
How To Cheat Fate For Fun and Profit
Let me put forth a scenario I'm fairly certain all of you have been in at some point: You are the ruler of a prosperous city state/kingdom/empire. Things are going well; your treasury's full, your borders are quiet, and your family is happy and growing.
11 Things Your Dentist Doesn’t Want You to Know
Yes, we know you don’t like us, but there’s no reason to be nervous. You should be terror-stricken instead. Because tooth fairies are sadistic folk, and we are their minions set on earth to carry out their evil deeds.
Product "Addiction" By Design
Author's preface: This is a republication of a piece I wrote way back in 2017. Man, I was kind of an asshole back then. lol. In this case the target of my ire definitely deserved the thrashing. Bunch of jerks.
Can We Stop Writing Articles with Titles That are Questions Now Please?
From: Is Activated Charcoal Messing with Your Medications? The writing article titles in the form of a question fad has followed a predictable trajectory. It started as an innocent though tired and cliched way to try and make listicles stand out from the crowd. Then came the juices, supplements, and claims that writing article titles in the form of a question detoxifies your body and makes your writing better.
Is "seagull management" unfair to seagulls themselves?
The misunderstood “seagull manager” Although the phrase “seagull manager” tends to be used in numerous cases in management, it is not an officially recognized business management term, such as, for example, Maslow’s theory on the hierarchy of needs, which is extensively taught to business school students around the world.
I hate writing but I am a writer
I hate writing. I am a writer. Laying in bed at night when a spark of inspiration hits me. It’s 1 am. I have been trying to write a chapter of my current project for the last 3 hours, but at this very moment an idea, character and plot is growing in my brain. I should write this down. I need to get up in 5 hours though. Now my mind is awake with this storyline that could be my next piece but I’ll probably never finish. At this rate, I won’t sleep anyway so I get up, put the lamp on a jot some points down in my notebook. You can tell this is not an out of the ordinary occurrence by the notebook within arms reach of the bed.
What Ends Up In My Junk Box...2
Oh, Ms. Aniston, I never knew you cared: Dear Fund Beneficiary, Your beneficiary fund of USD$15,500,000.00 has been approved today,
Stop Hiring Like This Isn't A Talent Crisis
How do they hire thee? Let us count the ways. Reeling from the double-barrelled aftershocks of the global health crisis (which is still ongoing, but we're all supposed to quietly ignore it apparently) and the long-overdue Great Resignation, businesses today are hurrying to fill positions from fry-cooks to financial advisors.