Who Does What in Your House?

A clear majority of people in the UK agree household chores should be shared - but women generally do them, an annual survey of public views suggests. (BBC, 21/09/2023)

Who does the household chores in your home? Two-thirds of those who took part in this UK survey said that women still do more than their fair share of work around the house. Doesn’t that make you mad? Firstly, who are these male Neanderthals who are happy to sit on their arse while women cook and clean for them? Secondly, who are the women who put up with this, and where were they when I was single thirty years ago?

Ba-dum-tssshhh! I’m here all week, folks!

American feminist Charlotte Perkins Gilman wrote that ‘a house does not need a wife any more than it needs a husband.’ These days, she might be tempted to rewrite her famous aphorism and conclude that a house does not need a wife or a husband, given the number of domestic appliances about the place.

Household chores simply aren’t what they were decades ago. Central heating systems, washing machines, tumble dryers and a host of other technological advances have seen to that.

What’s left to do? A bit of shopping, a bit of cooking, and a bit of fighting over whose turn it is to stack the dishwasher. It’s hardly a day spent digging ditches, is it?

Young Children

Of course, it doesn’t matter how many domestic appliances you own if you’ve got young kids; no one generates housework like a small child. Estimates vary on exactly how much extra work one child per household adds to the total, but a recent academic study concluded that it was ‘a whole fuckton.’

No, I haven’t got a source for that. You’ll just have to trust me. The point is, if it’s an easy life you’re after, kids are as welcome as a bad case of piles.

Relax. You can say that about your kids because you love them to pieces. I can say it about them because I don’t even like them. Sorry if that hurts, but it’s one of life’s universal truths: no one likes kids except their parents. And possibly their grandparents.

Even they can’t wait to hand them back after an hour or two.

Alcohol and Box Sets

Without kids to complicate matters, you can choose how much housework you do. My wife and I have always taken a minimalist approach. We agreed years ago that we’d rather drink wine and watch box sets. We didn’t discuss it in those terms. It just kind of fell into place once we realised we were spending more money on DVD rentals and alcohol than on Sainsbury’s household products.

We are still models of equality, however. We each do fifty percent of not very much. Even that token effort seems to be shrinking as the years go by.

Once upon a time, our son went to school and both his parents went out to work every day. Clothes needed to be washed and ironed, shoes needed polishing, lunches had to be made, and so on. Then our son grew up and left home. I grew older and retired from full-time work.

I spend my time in jeans and tee-shirts these days, and those don’t need ironing. Everybody knows that.

Yes, I’m sure. No, I haven’t checked the labels. Why would I check the labels? If I check the labels, I could ruin a perfectly good theory. Is there something wrong with you?

These days, we each iron our own clothes and split the general stuff. Like I said, models of equality. My wife’s a great believer in the old principle that body heat smooths out creases. Especially when it’s her clothes or her turn to iron something. She applies a slightly different principle to our bed linen. Why iron it when we’re just going to be rolling around on it a few hours later?

That’s not what I meant at all. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Cleaning

Neither of us has ever been enthusiastic about cleaning. Our son used to ask us who was coming round if he saw us getting out the cloths and sprays. Our lack of effort in this area still holds true today.

Every so often I run Henry Hoover over the carpets but, in truth, Henry doesn’t have many miles on the clock for an appliance his age. If I’m hoovering, my wife flicks a few surfaces with a cloth, just enough to head off any accusations of not doing her bit.

If we’re expecting visitors, then we panic and put a bit more effort into it. We run around demented, moving at the speed of people in a time-lapse video.

Typhoid, Anyone?

Do we live in a dirty house? It all depends on how you define dirty. People who spend their time scrubbing their skirting board with a toothbrush dipped in bleach would no doubt turn white and faint if they paid us a visit.

I will say only this: no one who has passed through our door has gone down with typhoid. Bins get emptied now and again, dishes get washed eventually, and floors get a scoot with the mop every time the clocks go forward.

I have to qualify the above by admitting that very few people pass through our door. That probably tips the odds in our favour when it comes to typhoid prevention.

As a couple, we are proud to stand with Charlotte Perkins Gilman. In these modern times, a house doesn’t need a wife. It doesn’t need a husband, either.

Chardonnay sales and Netflix subscriptions, on the other hand, can always use a boost.