The Hitman Who Couldn't Hit Right (a Parody)

Khalil, the infallible hitman, couldn't do anything right.

He thought his luck had improved when he got the call about a new assignment.

Not only that, but this would place him over his regular quota, and he should receive a bonus and a promotion.

He didn't think being the only albino white man for thousands of miles in rural Mozambique could cause a slight inconvenience.

But the company wanted to eliminate him without being inculpated, so they devised a plan that could work on two ends. They could eliminate the targeted executive, Ukke, and Khalil would get smoked in the process-- if they were lucky. Literally, a double whammy.

But Khalil thought he had a brilliant plan. He wrote the details in this manner:

1. His victim, Ukke, a drunk, would be lured to a bar and get wasted.

2. Make conversation to put him at ease, and drop the pill in the container in your left pocket. Remember that crucial detail. Left.

3. Time the effects to make sure he still can walk. Don't wait too long, or you'll have to call the paramedics to wake him up. Stay calm. Also crucial.

4. When he's good and ready, he'll follow your lead, thinking you're both going to the best whorehouse in Murumbi. Leave the bar without calling attention.

5. Take him instead to your place, saying the 'service' girls are coming over. Tell him they're pricier but worth it. Make jokes. Good ones, so he laughs.

6. In your apt, get the gun with the silencer, not the Uzi. That's an important detail to remember.

7. Wait until he dozes off and shoot him in the heart twice, not in the head, to avoid the splash on your clothes. Immediately plug the holes with the coagulant from the second draw in the cabinet. It's marked with an “X” already. Check his pulse. Not yours, his. Is he dead? Ask yourself that question. If the answer is yes, follow with the number 8 on the list.

8. Roll him up on the cheap purple carpet. Do not use the other one! Cover both ends with the same color t-shirt and seal with duct tape. Duct, not Scotch.

9. Check the scene. Look out the door to make sure no one is in the hallway. Look out the windows for curious onlookers. Remember, you are a curiosity, so people are interested in what you're all about. Only some believe you work for the oil company.

10. Once you verify the event's peculiarities, throw him over your shoulders and into your car. Not the trunk. That's only in the movies— use the passenger seat.

11. Check your backlights and your blinkers. If you get stopped by the cops, you're toast.

12. You know about the crocodile farm, so head to that location. The code for the entrance gate should still work; if it doesn't, that's the beginning of the bad news. You'll find it in the glove compartment, labeled “GTE” for Gate.

13. Get in and watch your step. Remember where you are. That's a crucial detail. The crocs mostly sleep at this late hour or are busy mating, hopefully by the water edge. Walk fast and walk faster back.

14. Go to your place, change clothes, and shower. Relax, have a drink, and rush to the bar for a half-ass alibi, just in case.

15. Reflect and concentrate if anyone saw you coming into your apt with drunk Ukke. If someone did, you have a big ass problem. They’d have to die, too.

16. Call the co. in the morning from a pay phone.

As time passed and all went according to plan, one could say with certainty that everybody won in this case, except one.

The co. was so impressed that they decided to spare him this time around and wait for the next screwup instead to get rid of him now.

They even paid him extra and gave him the promised bonus.

“Honor between deals,” they explained.

So, now he could finally celebrate when he returned home to his beloved wife and kids.

So, all in all, this story had a happy ending.

Wouldn’t you agree?