Conquering Social Media (Parody)

Do you want to make an excellent living on social media? Out of 8 billion people on the planet, 7.9 want the same thing. The rest are living with their grandma in her basement. But I digress…

~o~

Are you frustrated by the lack of success? Stop wasting your time with clickbait!

Don’t worry. I got you.

You have a problem that has you scratching your head because you can’t figure it out.

You have done everything by the book, read a million how-to’s, followed, subscribed, and commented in all the right places.

You’ve bothered everyone with the same questions to the point of almost getting banned or blocked.

You even emailed managers complaining of the lack of positive results and threatened them with a lawsuit since you quit your Uber driving thinking this was the next gold rush. Now you want payback.

I feel you. No one else does. Now, listen to me.

First things first: You’re doing it all wrong. And you have for quite some time now—a waste of time.

Forget all that you’ve been told and start anew like a baby.

This is what you need to do:

Get a lawyer (pro Bono won’t do)

Get an accountant. One that won’t rip you off.

Open a separate bank account to use specifically to stash your profits, preferably off-shore.

Exercise, sign up for the gym, and get in good shape. You’re going to need it. Take B12.

If you have a wife, get rid of her. She’ll take it all as soon as she catches up that you’re loaded. (That’s why you need an exemplary lawyer).

Open a different bank account. You’ve burnt this one.

Invest in your portfolio like you never done before. Have equity.

Open an LLC company and get into stock and bonds. Start by investing in Rene Volpi’s Vocal+ first.

Side hustle: Anything you can think of, including telling everyone to join your enterprise. Give your enterprise a name. Something sexy.

Get your family members to become your affiliates and use their money to invest in this project. Promise them high returns.

If you have any, hit all social media, namely Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, Instagram, and blogs. Link everything to your new accounts. Think only of yourself.

Make posts on a site about how fast you’re making it and what little effort was involved.

Engage your audience by asking them to invite everybody and their mothers to come to Papa (that’s you).

Sit back, relax, and breathe. Then look at your progress already. Yes, you see real money coming in. Do not hyperventilate.

Excel your income and confer with your accountant. Trust, but verify. If Excel confirms that you’re almost rich, print the data and show it to everyone as proof.

Hire employees to help and install VPN networks. You’re going to need them. Download Tor.

Write a letter to the managers apologizing for your behavior (but only after you're filthy rich).

Anything is possible, but you never know, so wait to quit Uber, just in case.

Tell everybody you love them more than anything in the world.

Think about it this way. Think that social media was invented for you. That will make things so much easier. Also, you can always blame somebody else if something doesn't work out.

You'll realize the absurdity of it all without including yourself in the mess. It would make everything not only manageable but efficient. You could demand excellence from everyone while you remain outside the glass looking in.

How great could such a feeling be? Are you thinking about it? Feels good, right?

That's the idea.

~o~

There you have it — the key to success on social media and on all the world-famous platforms (and the future ones to be).

Live the life of your dreams, for it’s a short one!

Update: It’s Christmas season. Take advantage of it by promoting yourself all over the internet under the pretext of, well…. Christmas!

If you enjoy my posts and care to feed my coffee addiction, click on this link here: https://ko-fi.com/renevolpi

Thank you for reading!