The Cat Who Could Become a Master Chess Player

Houdini thinks I’m a fool for spending all that money on a kitten’s wall structure when all she needed was the curtains to climb up to the ceiling.

But I disagree and told her. “Can’t you understand there’s a difference”?

“No,” she answered nonchalantly.

“Ugh!”…” You don’t deserve all I do for you”

“For me??” “You’re kidding, right?” “It’s all about you, human. Don’t even.”

Deathly silence.

Also, I hate it when she stares at me every time I’m eating. She’d stop doing what she’s so intently doing only to sit like a Buddha statuette and just watch me eat. Never fails.

I thought maybe she likes some of it but nope, she does not. It’s pure attitude.

Sometimes I’m watching the news on TV and she attacks the screen every time sports come on. I asked her, “Hey, do you mind!? What are you doing!?”

“I want to watch Ping Pong. Tennis. Volleyball, or Fishing,” “Where are they?” She asked. “Because those are the REAL sports. The balls go from side to side and sometimes the rackets too!” “What is this crap you’re watching, human?”

“Hey! What’s wrong with basketball, soccer, or baseball?” I asked. "That’s what they use, balls.”

“No, sir.”

“What do you mean, no??”

“Humans running after a ball is dumb,” “They don’t even get a fish after all that running, so what’s the point?”

“Ha! Look who’s talking!” “That’s all you do when you see anything moving, and with a ball? You go crazy, c’mon!”

“You’re as dumb as dumb can be, human. I’m chasing. It’s the thrill of the hunt, but you’re too dense to understand that.”

And to add injury to insult, she added, “You humans are the worst hunters.“

“Oh, really?” Don’t make me laugh, or I’ll spill my coffee.”

“For sure. Without a rifle, bullets, and a telescope, or a bow and arrow, you’re useless” “And you can’t outrun anything,”

“Not even a mouse.”

She was too right for me to argue her profound reasoning. Her points were valid. I just zipped it and continued with my breakfast.

I should’ve known better than to start.

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You are probably wondering how all of this came to be. It all started one fateful day...

My name is Andre. As an angst-ridden writer, I must write when the brain tells me to, like doing my own therapy. Self-therapy with reluctance. “Write, write, write! Put it all down, let it all out” — I hear it saying.

Ok, sure, but for that, I need a certain amount of peace, a space in time that isn’t easy to find. Looking for it in all the wrong places, made me even more anxious.

After many moons of trial and error, someone suggested I adopt a CAT.

That I’ll be doing myself a favor, that I’ll be doing the cat even a bigger favor and I’ll be making the world a better place.

What could go wrong, right? “Hmm”… I thought to myself…indeed, what could go wrong? maybe that might not be a bad idea!”. “Actually, it might turn out to be a great idea.”

Next, all I could think about was accomplishing that mission and as usual, being me, I started envisioning life with such company. It could also inspire me, I thought, help me with my anxiety and maybe even become my best friend. Can’t beat that, right?

I imagined myself petting its fur, hearing him or her purring with that out-of-this-world magnificent sound that only cats can do. Yes, I stoked myself well. And couldn’t wait for the shelter to open in the morning.

I’m getting a companion cat.

Of course, that excitement wouldn’t let me sleep, my mind worrying about several aspects of the adoption process. Whatifisms everywhere. What if ‘he’ doesn’t like me? What if he has the wrong character and our zodiac signs aren’t compatible? What if ‘she’ doesn’t like to be petted or touched? I heard some cats are like that. Or worse, what if he escapes as soon as I open the front door?

OMG.

By this time, typical me, I’m freaking out and need to calm down by any means.

Heading to the bathroom cabinet to grab an anti-anxiety pill, I noticed a huge sign. The cup that contained the toothbrushes, toothpaste, and the magical dental floss had the image imprint of a kitten with a blue ribbon tied on top of his head. I never really noticed it before. I saw it in passing once or twice but paid no attention to it. Didn’t really have a reason. Tonight it meant volumes. His little tiny face was telling me that everything will be alright.

That’s all it took to relax my mind and calm myself. It was such a beautiful photograph. Lucky is the person that has him, I concluded as I turned the light off and went to bed.

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First thing in the morning, I went to the shelter and immediately my eyes fixated on this gorgeous kitten with the saddest eyes. I didn’t have to look any further.

“She is GORGEOUS!” — the young girl filling up the adoption papers exclaimed with excitement.

“I’m sure you both will make each other very happy” — she continued with a big smile on her freckled face.

“I hope so,” I replied. — she does have very kind and innocent eyes.”

I had no idea I was taking Hurricane Charlie to my home that morning. This must’ve been the most hyperactive creature I’ve ever seen.

Ever.

This baby was so happy, it made my home hers within minutes of being there. But she wouldn’t stop running all over the place. Then, all of a sudden, she’d climb the curtains and get all the way to the ceiling, and just froze there.

For the longest time. Something ain’t right, I thought to myself. Why is this cat going crazy like this? I called my ex-wife, Marcela, for clues, since she was reincarnated from a cat, I was sure.

“She’s healthy! she said… — that’s normal. You should be happy, not alarmed.”

“Yes, but she won’t stop, it’s like she’s plugged into an electrical outlet!” I told her.

“She’ll get tired soon, then she’ll stop. Typical feisty kitten, let it happen. She’ll be alright.”

“Yeah? What about me? — I was expecting peace and calm, not an electrified psychotic feline climbing every curtain in the house!” I said, frustrated.

“What name did you give her? — -something sweet, I hope,” she continued, ignoring my concerns.

“I don’t know, I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it, she won’t give me a moment to even think!”

There was a long pause with the only sound in the house was the kitten going mental running all over.

“Houdini” — I finally said — “I think that will suit her perfectly. One moment she’s here, the next moment she’s gone.” —

“Hahahaha!!! That’s perfect, Andre, Perfect!” Marcela said, excitedly.

Marcela was right, she did finally come down. Ever so slightly. She was also right about getting carpenters to install a kitten playground…. On the walls!

So much for having my apt beautifully arranged with expensive Art Deco.

Houdini lived on those walls. Except when I sat down to write on my computer. Then, she wasted no time coming running and stretching on the keyboard, looking at me upside down with her infinitely inquisitive eyes.

My biggest breaks were when she was sound asleep on her favorite dinosaur hangover on her favorite wall, inches away from her favorite victim, me.

The creature ate with me, slept with me, walked with me. She followed me everywhere. Even when I went to the bathroom, she’d wait outside so that when I reappeared, she could jump on me like the prey I have become.

Work? Mmm. Not so much. Thankfully, after I complained about my inability to make any progress to anyone who would listen, a friend who’s also a writer told me that all is not lost. This new reality should be cathartic. To use it for my own benefit.

But it will take some getting used to. He said to speak my ideas into the phone and save them as a file. Problem solved.

Of course, even that needed Houdini’s approval as she was interested in who I was speaking to when I replayed the recording. Then, she’d jump into my lap and start poking the source — the mic — sometimes trying to bite it. Talk about curiosity…

She was insatiable.

So much energy. But it was good energy; playful, not destructive. All she wanted to do was inspect everything, explore, and play.

Couldn’t ask for a better companion and I was hoping she felt the same way about me.

Hard to tell, she hardly speaks. Or so I thought.

Anyway, the quality of my life got better all around. I became more productive and more positive and even the depression was a thing of a distant past. People noticed the difference, so it wasn’t my imagination. A revolutionary kitten causing havoc in a house that used to be mine but now was hers, taught me a lesson you don’t learn in any school or any book. A lesson that only the love of an animal can show you.

Hence. Be careful what you wish for. It may be exactly what you need.

Sleep well, Houdini!

I love you.

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