The day I met the One Eyed Snake

(TRUS) or Transrectal Ultrasound is a medical procedure, wherein they shove a “small” lubricated probe into the rectum on a “gentle” exploratory mission, checking out the prostate and whatever else is in there.

Small and gentle, my ass! It felt more like a very intrusive home invasion to me. Even getting ready for the procedure is, quite literally, a pain in the ass.

My appointment was at 8am, so I awoke at about 5:30am, in a cold sweat. I think I had a nightmare, where someone had shoved their arm, elbow deep, up my ass with a Polaroid camera in their hand.

As instructed by my Doctor, my first order of business was to make sure that my bowels were fully evacuated and that the entrance to the area was nice and clean, for the technician that would be doing the job. The doctor had told me to pick up a laxative or enema the day before the appointment, so I picked up both just in case I needed to take drastic measures.

I had always thought of that part of my body as an exit, not an entrance, so I said a little prayer hoping I wouldn’t need the enema. I took a little more of the laxative, than prescribed, the night before, thinking I would wake up in the middle of the night and do the dirty deed. So I was surprised when I woke up at 5:30 and realized that I had slept through the night.

Panicking, I rushed to the toilet and plopped myself down, hoping and praying for release. I grunted and groaned, pushing as hard as I could to get the flow started. It wasn’t happening so I started rocking back and forth, bouncing my legs up and down while pushing on my stomach. Nothing seemed to be working, not even pulling my knees up to my ears and wiggling side to side on the seat. All I accomplished was a couple of small farts and, after about fifteen minutes, I finally gave up.

I stood up, with tears in my eyes, and stumbled back to the bedroom, where I asked for my wife’s help.

She seemed to have a look of joy on her face as she prepared the enema and told me to get on the bed, on my knees, with my face down and ass up. I had no other choice, so I did what I was told. She told me to reach around and hold my ass cheeks apart and said, “This may feel a little uncomfortable at first,” before quickly shoving the business end of the bottle as far up inside me as she could and forcing the liquid up there in one monstrous gush!

I swear I heard her say, “Wahoo,” as she did it!

To say that I was a little in shock at that moment would be a colossal understatement. I swear to god that it felt like she had just shot a bottle of “Fresca” up my ass. I’ve never felt anything like it in my life and hope that I never will again, for as long as I live.

I instantly started to feel something happening and tried to stand before my wife pushed me back down and said, “ no, you have to try and hold it for a couple of minutes.”

There was no way I could hold it, as it felt like there was a herd of stallions running through my colon, looking for an exit! I love my wife immensely and know that she always has my best interest at heart, but at that moment my primal instincts took over and I pushed her out of the way as I jumped off the bed. I could feel it coming quickly and, feeling I had no choice; I bent a little at the knees and reached around and jammed my thumb in my ass as I waddled to the toilet like a drunken penguin.

I made it to the bathroom in record time and slowly lowered myself over the toilet seat until I felt I was close enough to be within a safe firing distance. Quickly, I uncorked my thumb and jammed my ass down onto the seat.

Holy, sweet fuck! It felt like my insides exploded, sending a shock-wave through my colon, causing anything that was in there to run screaming for the exit. I screamed, “Shit,” as a torrent of fiery, fizzing liquid exited my body as if it were shot out of cannon.

I sat there for a few minutes, in shock and awe, feeling like there was acid dripping out of my ass, trying to gain the courage to walk the four steps to the shower.

Finally, I made it into the shower where I quickly adjusted the water temperature to very cool before grabbing the, hand held, shower head and adjusting it to power wash. Reaching around, I fired that water cannon up my ass, trying to put out the fire that was spreading rapidly.

Within seconds, the fire was extinguished and I felt an overwhelming sense of relief. I kept the water flowing for a little while, making sure there were no lingering embers waiting to reignite, before turning off the shower and holding my ass cheeks open for a minute so I could drip dry.

Feeling comfortable, and confident in the fact that the fire was out, I turned the water back on and washed the rest of my body as. Joyfully, I sang a few rounds of, “plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is,” before exiting the shower and continuing on with the rest of this day, that I would never forget.

***

Step two in the preparation for the procedure was that I had to fill my bladder by drinking a litre of water in the hour leading up to the event. No problem, right, except I wasn’t allowed to pee until the external part of the test was done. Now I had never had a medical appointment, in my life, where the doctor or technician was, actually on time. So after coming within a fart of shitting myself, I felt fairly confident that I would properly piss myself before this day was over.

I drove to the clinic early and sat in my car drinking the water, finishing ten minutes before my scheduled appointment. Filled with hope, I exited the elevator and entered the clinic only to be told to please have a seat in the waiting area, as the technician was running a little late and would be there in about twenty minutes. Feeling like a giant water bottle, I sloshed my way down the hall to the waiting area. Within five minutes, the pressure started to build to the point that I knew it was only a matter of time before I sprung a leak.

Luckily, she arrived earlier than expected and rushed me into the exam room, where she told me to strip down to underwear and socks and climb onto the bed. After spreading a sticky gel, that felt like cold snot, from my belly button down into my groin area, she proceeded to push a device that looked like a computer mouse into my body, so hard, that I thought she was trying to push something out through my ass. Working her way down my body and into my groin area, she came within a pubic hair of my balls before stopping. I thought, “thank god,” because if she had gone any further I’m sure I would have pissed in her face.

She said, “Ok, this part is done. You can get down now and put your pants and shirt back on.”

She told me to go down to the end of the hall, where I would find a change room directly across from a bathroom. I was to empty my bladder and then remove all of my clothes except for my socks, and put on a blue hospital gown, before returning to the exam room. You know the type of gown I’m talking about– the type that never seems to fit correctly and leaves you walking around with your ass hanging out!

I made it to the bathroom with only seconds to spare, before releasing a flow not unlike a fire hose into that urinal. I think I might have broken the fucking thing as it started to rattle and shake before I was finally finished.

After fighting with the blue gown for a few minutes, I finally walked back to the exam room, with my ass hanging out, and climbed back up onto the table.

That’s when I met the one eyed snake!

***

I lay on the bed in horror, as I watched the technician fiddling with, what I could only describe as a “one eyed snake.” It was all white, except for the wires coming out of the back end of it. Seeming to be at least a foot long, it had a long, slim flexible body that swelled into, what looked like, a snakes head at the business end. The head had one small black eye, which I assumed was a sonar device of some kind.

I knew where she was intending on shoving this thing and very quickly started to feel ill.

She told me to roll onto my side and pull my legs up to my chest, in a fetal position, before pulling back the gown so that she could have clear and easy access to the intended victim of the upcoming assault. She was still fooling around with the device as she told me to move my body sideways until my ass was hanging over the side of the bed, pointing directly at the door.

I felt that she was just about to start the assault when I heard her say, “Shit.”

I thought, “Fuck, no! I didn’t get it all,” before she said, “sorry, this one is not working. I need to run next door and grab a new one.”

She quickly left the room, leaving the door open with me laying there with my puckered naked ass pointing right at it. She was gone less than five minutes but in that time I felt me penis retreat into my body, as I heard two female voices walking down the hallway, laughing and saying, “oh my god,” as they passed the open door.

I was just about to get up and walk out when she returned with the new weapon.

She apologised again before pulling up a bar stool behind me and lubricating the entrance with, what I assumed was, the same cold snot. Telling me to take a deep breath, she said the same thing my wife had said earlier that morning, “this me feel a little uncomfortable at first.”

Uncomfortable, doesn’t even come close to how I felt as she slowly sent that snake on its mission, “To boldly go where nothing had gone before!”

I know she didn’t, but in my mind it felt like she was trying to push that thing all the way through my body to the bottom of my throat.

She rooted around up there for a few minutes, like she was mining for gold or something, before finally pulling the intruder slowly back out and saying, “there you go all done, you can relax now. That wasn’t too bad was it?”

I thought, “Like fuck, are you nuts?” But actually said, “no, not bad at all. Thank you.”

Feeling like I had been embarrassed beyond redemption, I quickly got dressed and got the fuck out of that clinic. I rushed home, where I immediately went upstairs and took a long hot shower, trying unsuccessfully to wash the memory of the day’s events from my mind.

It’s been several months since that day and now I can look back on it and laugh.

Authors note;

This is a true story but please understand that this is a work of humour. I am in no way saying that you should avoid this procedure. If your Doctor wants you to do this test, please just do it as it could save your life!