Something CRAZY Was Discovered at the Bottom of the Ocean

There's only one thing I know with absolute certainty: there is a massive, psychic, malevolent, cephalopod at the bottom of the Marianas Trench, and it is the source of all human evil.

This knowledge exists in stark contrast against what I was taught by the Catholic church: that, through original sin, I was born evil; that my will is my own and is totally free, and I am therefore responsible for my own choices. The fact there is a psychic cephalopod in the deepest waters on Earth contradicts the church's teachings, motivating them into denial or ignorance.

But, of course, this psychic cephalopod absolutely does exist, and I say that as someone who is sceptical of all things, even of my own existence. I am sceptical of God, I am sceptical of modern medicine, I am sceptical about conspiracy theories while simultaneously being sceptical enough of power so as to be the perfect target for conspiracy theories. I am certainly sceptical of religious teleologies that tell us the routine starvation of millions of children serves some divine purpose or plan, as well as modern, “new age”, spirituality that tells us there's something especially meaningful about noticing when it's eleven past eleven.

Despite all of my incredulity, I have noticed The Squid in such a way that it couldn't possibly be confirmation bias. The Squid is real, and most people are under its influence most of the time, though how effective that influence is varies from person to person—some of us drive sixty in a school zone, others impale themselves on their neighbour’s fence in an act of self-righteous martyrdom after being kept up all night by their barking dog.

Though its power may vary, The Squid’s influence on us is unquestionable. The Squid exists, and it drives good men towards evil, and while there might be more than just The Squid driving human evil, I maintain that without its psychic influence we would be universally noble and pure of heart—we wouldn’t look at pornography even—and it is purely due to the magnificent influence of this ensorcelling octopus that we see so much anthropogenic malevolence in this world. Some have tried to dissuade me from these beliefs, but I continue to believe them wholeheartedly for three reasons:

1. Unlike your strongly held beliefs, mine are absolutely, one hundred percent, true, and would be denied by nobody whose brain is sound.

2. The beliefs are crucial to my own sanity, especially as it pertains to being spiritually equipped to maintain a fellowship with my community and neighbours which is necessary for human flourishing.

3. The beliefs are crucial to me allowing myself to believe I am still a good person, despite all the horrible, unspeakable, things I've done.

At my core I am a good man, and as such I was overcome by shame over the atrocities I committed. I have every right to feel shame, but a problem with shame is—regardless of whether or not you ultimately succumb to the influence of this transcranial colossal cuttlefish—you will feel bad just for mentally experiencing its influence. However, knowing that your darkest predilections come from The Squid also means knowing that your failure to act on whatever thoughts it infects you with makes you one of the good ones. Shame, then, is simply another form of evil; it is The Squid using your conscience against you. Guilt is much better than shame. Guilt comes with certain, outwardly focused, expectations: you cause someone harm, you apologise to them. Shame only requires that you feel bad, but guilt comes with the expectation you’ll make amends.

So, now that you know the facts, how do we overcome The Squid? There have been many attempts made by other writers to help us overcome The Squid, most self-help literature ends up being such an attempt, but Dale Carnegie, James Clear, Jordan Peterson et cetera, ultimately deny, or are ignorant of, The Squid and its influence over them, and thus any successes they might have are limited by this ignorance, and their contributions are unknowingly perverted by The Squid’s influence. For example, The Squid naturally wants us to be selfish, since selfishness is the foundation upon which human evil is constructed. This means that books like “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, “Atomic Habits”, and “12 Rules for Life”, end up being motivated by things like personal profit, and self-image; things The Squid would have us focus on rather than our collective wellbeing. That's not to say it's inherently bad to profit, or that it's inherently bad to care about one's self-image, just that these two things—greed and vanity—create the psychical milieu in which The Squid thrives.

So, please, join me in my lifelong struggle against The Squid's influence. Don't shake that baby, don't steal that catalytic converter, don't ethnically cleanse that inferior race. Resist. RESIST.