Seincraft
A show about the vast nothing that lurks within the soul of ev’ry man
FADE IN / BASS GUITAR RIFF
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
George is pacing back and forth, his face etched with concern. Jerry sits at the table with a mug of coffee.
GEORGE [anxiously]
There’s something up with Elaine’s new boyfriend, Jerry. He has… a look.
JERRY
A look?
GEORGE
A look, Jerry! An unwholesome look.
JERRY [raising an eyebrow]
George, what are you talking about?
GEORGE
You don’t think he has a look? The wide mouth, the squamous skin.
He sits down next to Jerry, gesturing.
GEORGE
Those bulging eyes of his. He doesn’t blink, Jerry!
JERRY
So you don’t like him because he beat you in a staring contest?
GEORGE [whispering]
I saw him, Jerry! I saw him devouring plate after plate of sushi like there was no tomorrow. It's unnatural!
JERRY
George, if eating sushi makes a person unnatural then the entire nation of Japan is some kind of eldritch nightmare.
GEORGE [shrugs]
You said it, not me. The Japanese are deeefinitely up to something.
ELAINE enters and pours herself a cup of coffee.
ELAINE
Guys, I’m in trouble.
GEORGE [smug]
Ha! See?
ELAINE
Huh?
JERRY
Don’t mind George. He just thinks your new boyfriend is a bit… fishy.
GEORGE
And you don’t?!
JERRY
As a matter of fact, I think he’s quite the catch.
ELAINE
Who, Zadok? Well that’s my problem, actually.
GEORGE [triumphantly]
See! What did I tell you, Jerry?
ELAINE [to Jerry]
What did he tell you?
JERRY
George thinks Zadok is squamous.
ELAINE
Squamous?
GEORGE [yelling]
Squamous!
Elaine rolls her eyes and tries to move on with the conversation.
ELAINE
Anyway, it’s Zadok’s birthday party tomorrow night, and he’s invited me.
JERRY
So what?
ELAINE
We’ve only been dating for a week! All his friends will be there. Maybe even his family! What am I going to do? It's too early for me to meet his parents. I don’t even know what to get him for a gift.
GEORGE
His parents, huh? Do they have the same… look?
JERRY
Again with the look!
ELAINE
What look?
GEORGE
Don’t you think your new boyfriend has a look? The eyes, the mouth-
JERRY [sarcastically]
The squamous skin…
GEORGE
His skin is squamous!
ELAINE
What are you trying to say, George?
JERRY
Yeah, what are you trying to say, George?
GEORGE [uncomfortable]
I'm just saying he has a look about him. And he smells like the ocean. All the time, like the ocean.
Elaine, shocked, looks to Jerry for support. Jerry makes an “eh” gesture; Zadok does, apparently, smell like the ocean.
ELAINE
He’s from a coastal town!
GEORGE
Elaine, we live in New York. We’re all coastal. I don’t smell like the ocean.
In the background Jerry makes an “eh” gesture.
ELAINE
He’s from New England. That’s what people in New England are like.
JERRY
You are what you eat, huh?
KRAMER bursts in through the front door. He is holding a large, leather-bound tome.
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
Hey.
KRAMER
Got any candles, Jerry?
JERRY
Candles? What do you— you know what, never mind. Let me check.
Jerry begins rummaging in the kitchen cabinets for candles.
KRAMER
Red ones.
Jerry shoots him an exasperated stare and goes back to searching the cabinets. He re-emerges with a packet of candles.
JERRY
Here you go. Birthday candles.
KRAMER
Oh, no, no. These are no good.
JERRY
Well, they’re all I’ve got. Some of them are red, see?
KRAMER
No, no, these won’t do, Jerry.
JERRY
What do you need candles for, anyway? Did you short out your apartment’s electricity again?
KRAMER
Not at all. Well, yeah, I did, but that’s not what these are for.
He displays the book proudly.
KRAMER
Check it out. Got it from my book guy for a song.
JERRY
Your book guy?
KRAMER
You don’t have a book guy?
JERRY
I mean, I go to the bookstore. There are definitely guys there. Do they count?
KRAMER
Oh, no, that won’t do, Jerry! You gotta have a book guy. I’ll introduce you to mine.
He leans in close.
KRAMER [conspiratorially]
He’s got the good stuff.
Kramer taps the side of his nose.
JERRY
So what did your book guy get you?
KRAMER
The Book of Eibon. Original binding. Check out the leather.
JERRY
Is that human skin?!
KRAMER [proudly]
Oh, you betcha.
JERRY
But what’s it about? And why the candles?
KRAMER
Knowledge, Jerry! With this book I can unlock the mysteries that have plagued mankind since time immemorial. No secrets are beyond my grasp with this puppy.
ELAINE [intrigued]
Wait, all knowledge? Like, say… what I should get Zadok for his birthday?
KRAMER [effusive]
Sure!
[confused]
Who’s Zadok?
JERRY
Elaine’s new boyfriend. You met him two days ago, remember?
KRAMER
Oh yeah! The squamous guy.
GEORGE
I knew it!
ELAINE [pleading]
C’mon, Kramer, help a girl out.
KRAMER
Well, alright. Shouldn’t be too hard for ol’ Eibon here. Let’s see…
Kramer flips through the book before settling on a page. He adopts a ridiculous, wide-legged stance and begins reciting.
KRAMER
ይህ ማለት ምንም ማለት አይደለም ጥሩ ይመስላል
The apartment noticeably darkens, shadows lengthening and stretching unnaturally.
KRAMER
በጥሬው ምንም ትርጉም የለም
The angles of the room seem wrong somehow. The temperature plummets, causing everyone's breath to steam hugely in the now-frigid air.
JERRY
Uh, Kramer…
KRAMER
ይህ ቋንቋ አማርኛ ነው እንደ ገሃነም ድንቅ ይመስላል
Kramer reaches out and places the tip of one finger in the centre of Elaine’s forehead.
KRAMER
ቀደም ብዬ ሱሺን ጠቅሻለሁ እና አሁን በጣም እፈልጋለሁ። ሱሺ! ሱሺ! እኔ!
Elaine’s eyes roll back into her head, exposing the whites. Her mouth yawns open, a terrible, gaping ‘o’ that stretches impossibly wide. She falls to the floor, spasming. Kramer closes the book with a snap.
JERRY
Kramer! Look what you’ve done to her!
KRAMER
That’s what pure knowledge looks like, Jerry. Some things are not for mankind to know.
JERRY
She looks like one of those Japanese horror-movie ghosts!
GEORGE
What did I tell you, Jerry. It’s all the sushi. Unnatural. Verrry unnatural.
JERRY
Huh. Maybe the Japanese are up to something.
FADE OUT / BASS GUITAR RIFF
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Comments (26)
I’m happy it placed, but this one is still 1st Place in my book
Congratulations! 🥳🎉 Im so glad this placed! 😃 You did such an awesome job!
Returned to the thread to say: 1) I liked "Seincraft" so much I've come back to reread this on more than one occasion, and it still makes me chuckle every time. I've also been telling friends about it, including those who don't know what the hell Vocal even is. 2) I also shouted this piece out in last week's Raise Your Voice Thread (https://vocal.media/resources/raise-your-voice-thread-6-15-23) 3) I liked the style of this treatment so much that I borrowed the format for my own entry to the Pilot Pitch challenge: https://vocal.media/humor/dick-winchester-in-dick-winchester-episode-1-gratuity-not-included (But, to be clear, that's all I borrowed. The content and characters are all my own.)
Are you pitching a resurrection of Seinfeld? You really captured the essence. The dialogue reads like echoes. I can hear the actors delivering the lines.
This was a really Good Article Thank you for sharing❤️💯❗
Oh, I loved this. You captured the essence of Seinfeld perfectly! I felt like I was watching an episode. Absolutely Excellent!! ❤️❤️
I need to see this episode.
Congratulations on Top Story!! This was fantastic! Seinfeld was one of my very favorite shows, and you did it justice :)
This is so funny. I felt like I was watching an actual episode of the show. Very well done! Also, glad to see you posting again!
I literally saw Seinfeld playing in my mind as I read this 😅 This was brilliant! You captured each of their essences divinely. Amazing work! 🤗
Thoroughly entertaining, capturing the essence of the show & each of its character. Still don't think much of Jerry. The rest of the cast is great.
"Y'ha-nthlei? Oh, no, I haven't been, but I hear great things. You know my friend, Bob Sacamano? He visited once. They almost didn't let him leave."
Holy moly, you deserve an award for this! Bravo, bravo! Crafting something based on a beloved show but making it original (while also forcing me, a civilian, to read it all in the beloved characters' respective voices) is such a feat. Hope you're so proud of this!
This was phenomenal! This should be an actual episode of Seinfeld. What an absolute comical delight! And you the characters such justice! I love Kramer so much! By the way, I noticed a small grammar mistake, and wanted to let you know so you can edit. “…causing the everyone's breath to steam…” I look forward to reading more of your works! This was wonderful!
Humorous and entertaining, loved it!!! Congratulations on T S too💕❤️❤️
You literally made me laugh out loud. You really captured their voice but with your own unique twist. Squamous is my new word for the day!
The book guy comment is too perfect 🤣🤣
Congratulations on top story
Amazing fanfiction it’s hilarious with a pinch of dark humor and I love that 😂😅😅😅🤣🤣🥲🥲🥲
I LOVE this!!! 😂 ohh I love Jerry and George & Elaine and you got all their personalities so perfectly 🥰🥰😘😘🥰😍😍😍
Congratulations on your top story , excellent challenge entry
Ahhhh - nice to see your work here - I have read and am smiling away. This is uniquely you - funny as - and all the jokes travel really well. Have to mention being first off the mark for this challenge takes some hutzpah too. Leading the way Madoka! Nicely done.
Okay, you win... 🏅 Laughed so hard I almost woke up...! :)
🤣. Hilarious! I enjoyed your show! 🥇
First of all - WELCOME BACK!🎉Second, this was such a fun piece - you can really 'see' the characters when you read it. Very witty and exciting, and I love the supernatural twist. Third - thank you for posting this, I had absolutely no idea how to even begin writing something for this challenge so this is a great example😂