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A show about the vast nothing that lurks within the soul of ev’ry man

By Madoka MoriPublished about a year ago Updated about a year ago 4 min read
Runner-Up in Pitch Your Pilot Challenge



George is pacing back and forth, his face etched with concern. Jerry sits at the table with a mug of coffee.

GEORGE [anxiously]

There’s something up with Elaine’s new boyfriend, Jerry. He has… a look.


A look?


A look, Jerry! An unwholesome look.

JERRY [raising an eyebrow]

George, what are you talking about?


You don’t think he has a look? The wide mouth, the squamous skin.

He sits down next to Jerry, gesturing.


Those bulging eyes of his. He doesn’t blink, Jerry!


So you don’t like him because he beat you in a staring contest?

GEORGE [whispering]

I saw him, Jerry! I saw him devouring plate after plate of sushi like there was no tomorrow. It's unnatural!


George, if eating sushi makes a person unnatural then the entire nation of Japan is some kind of eldritch nightmare.

GEORGE [shrugs]

You said it, not me. The Japanese are deeefinitely up to something.

ELAINE enters and pours herself a cup of coffee.


Guys, I’m in trouble.

GEORGE [smug]

Ha! See?




Don’t mind George. He just thinks your new boyfriend is a bit… fishy.


And you don’t?!


As a matter of fact, I think he’s quite the catch.


Who, Zadok? Well that’s my problem, actually.

GEORGE [triumphantly]

See! What did I tell you, Jerry?

ELAINE [to Jerry]

What did he tell you?


George thinks Zadok is squamous.



GEORGE [yelling]


Elaine rolls her eyes and tries to move on with the conversation.


Anyway, it’s Zadok’s birthday party tomorrow night, and he’s invited me.


So what?


We’ve only been dating for a week! All his friends will be there. Maybe even his family! What am I going to do? It's too early for me to meet his parents. I don’t even know what to get him for a gift.


His parents, huh? Do they have the same… look?


Again with the look!


What look?


Don’t you think your new boyfriend has a look? The eyes, the mouth-

JERRY [sarcastically]

The squamous skin…


His skin is squamous!


What are you trying to say, George?


Yeah, what are you trying to say, George?

GEORGE [uncomfortable]

I'm just saying he has a look about him. And he smells like the ocean. All the time, like the ocean.

Elaine, shocked, looks to Jerry for support. Jerry makes an “eh” gesture; Zadok does, apparently, smell like the ocean.


He’s from a coastal town!


Elaine, we live in New York. We’re all coastal. I don’t smell like the ocean.

In the background Jerry makes an “eh” gesture.


He’s from New England. That’s what people in New England are like.


You are what you eat, huh?

KRAMER bursts in through the front door. He is holding a large, leather-bound tome.






Got any candles, Jerry?


Candles? What do you— you know what, never mind. Let me check.

Jerry begins rummaging in the kitchen cabinets for candles.


Red ones.

Jerry shoots him an exasperated stare and goes back to searching the cabinets. He re-emerges with a packet of candles.


Here you go. Birthday candles.


Oh, no, no. These are no good.


Well, they’re all I’ve got. Some of them are red, see?


No, no, these won’t do, Jerry.


What do you need candles for, anyway? Did you short out your apartment’s electricity again?


Not at all. Well, yeah, I did, but that’s not what these are for.

He displays the book proudly.


Check it out. Got it from my book guy for a song.


Your book guy?


You don’t have a book guy?


I mean, I go to the bookstore. There are definitely guys there. Do they count?


Oh, no, that won’t do, Jerry! You gotta have a book guy. I’ll introduce you to mine.

He leans in close.

KRAMER [conspiratorially]

He’s got the good stuff.

Kramer taps the side of his nose.


So what did your book guy get you?


The Book of Eibon. Original binding. Check out the leather.


Is that human skin?!

KRAMER [proudly]

Oh, you betcha.


But what’s it about? And why the candles?


Knowledge, Jerry! With this book I can unlock the mysteries that have plagued mankind since time immemorial. No secrets are beyond my grasp with this puppy.

ELAINE [intrigued]

Wait, all knowledge? Like, say… what I should get Zadok for his birthday?

KRAMER [effusive]



Who’s Zadok?


Elaine’s new boyfriend. You met him two days ago, remember?


Oh yeah! The squamous guy.


I knew it!

ELAINE [pleading]

C’mon, Kramer, help a girl out.


Well, alright. Shouldn’t be too hard for ol’ Eibon here. Let’s see…

Kramer flips through the book before settling on a page. He adopts a ridiculous, wide-legged stance and begins reciting.


ይህ ማለት ምንም ማለት አይደለም ጥሩ ይመስላል

The apartment noticeably darkens, shadows lengthening and stretching unnaturally.


በጥሬው ምንም ትርጉም የለም

The angles of the room seem wrong somehow. The temperature plummets, causing everyone's breath to steam hugely in the now-frigid air.


Uh, Kramer…


ይህ ቋንቋ አማርኛ ነው እንደ ገሃነም ድንቅ ይመስላል

Kramer reaches out and places the tip of one finger in the centre of Elaine’s forehead.


ቀደም ብዬ ሱሺን ጠቅሻለሁ እና አሁን በጣም እፈልጋለሁ። ሱሺ! ሱሺ! እኔ!

Elaine’s eyes roll back into her head, exposing the whites. Her mouth yawns open, a terrible, gaping ‘o’ that stretches impossibly wide. She falls to the floor, spasming. Kramer closes the book with a snap.


Kramer! Look what you’ve done to her!


That’s what pure knowledge looks like, Jerry. Some things are not for mankind to know.


She looks like one of those Japanese horror-movie ghosts!


What did I tell you, Jerry. It’s all the sushi. Unnatural. Verrry unnatural.


Huh. Maybe the Japanese are up to something.



About the Creator

Madoka Mori

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    Well-structured & engaging content

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Comments (26)

  • Stephen A. Roddewig11 months ago

    I’m happy it placed, but this one is still 1st Place in my book

  • Stephanie Downard11 months ago

    Congratulations! 🥳🎉 Im so glad this placed! 😃 You did such an awesome job!

  • Stephen A. Roddewigabout a year ago

    Returned to the thread to say: 1) I liked "Seincraft" so much I've come back to reread this on more than one occasion, and it still makes me chuckle every time. I've also been telling friends about it, including those who don't know what the hell Vocal even is. 2) I also shouted this piece out in last week's Raise Your Voice Thread ( 3) I liked the style of this treatment so much that I borrowed the format for my own entry to the Pilot Pitch challenge: (But, to be clear, that's all I borrowed. The content and characters are all my own.)

  • Mack Devlinabout a year ago

    Are you pitching a resurrection of Seinfeld? You really captured the essence. The dialogue reads like echoes. I can hear the actors delivering the lines.

  • This was a really Good Article Thank you for sharing❤️💯❗

  • Stephanie Downardabout a year ago

    Oh, I loved this. You captured the essence of Seinfeld perfectly! I felt like I was watching an episode. Absolutely Excellent!! ❤️❤️

  • Paul Martynabout a year ago

    I need to see this episode.

  • Heather Hublerabout a year ago

    Congratulations on Top Story!! This was fantastic! Seinfeld was one of my very favorite shows, and you did it justice :)

  • Aphoticabout a year ago

    This is so funny. I felt like I was watching an actual episode of the show. Very well done! Also, glad to see you posting again!

  • Gina C.about a year ago

    I literally saw Seinfeld playing in my mind as I read this 😅 This was brilliant! You captured each of their essences divinely. Amazing work! 🤗

  • Thoroughly entertaining, capturing the essence of the show & each of its character. Still don't think much of Jerry. The rest of the cast is great.

  • Stephen A. Roddewigabout a year ago

    "Y'ha-nthlei? Oh, no, I haven't been, but I hear great things. You know my friend, Bob Sacamano? He visited once. They almost didn't let him leave."

  • A. Lenaeabout a year ago

    Holy moly, you deserve an award for this! Bravo, bravo! Crafting something based on a beloved show but making it original (while also forcing me, a civilian, to read it all in the beloved characters' respective voices) is such a feat. Hope you're so proud of this!

  • Ashley Ballabout a year ago

    This was phenomenal! This should be an actual episode of Seinfeld. What an absolute comical delight! And you the characters such justice! I love Kramer so much! By the way, I noticed a small grammar mistake, and wanted to let you know so you can edit. “…causing the everyone's breath to steam…” I look forward to reading more of your works! This was wonderful!

  • Babs Iversonabout a year ago

    Humorous and entertaining, loved it!!! Congratulations on T S too💕❤️❤️

  • Sonia Heidi Unruhabout a year ago

    You literally made me laugh out loud. You really captured their voice but with your own unique twist. Squamous is my new word for the day!

  • Melissa Ingoldsbyabout a year ago

    The book guy comment is too perfect 🤣🤣

  • Melissa Ingoldsbyabout a year ago

    Congratulations on top story

  • Melissa Ingoldsbyabout a year ago

    Amazing fanfiction it’s hilarious with a pinch of dark humor and I love that 😂😅😅😅🤣🤣🥲🥲🥲

  • Melissa Ingoldsbyabout a year ago

    I LOVE this!!! 😂 ohh I love Jerry and George & Elaine and you got all their personalities so perfectly 🥰🥰😘😘🥰😍😍😍

  • Congratulations on your top story , excellent challenge entry

  • Caroline Janeabout a year ago

    Ahhhh - nice to see your work here - I have read and am smiling away. This is uniquely you - funny as - and all the jokes travel really well. Have to mention being first off the mark for this challenge takes some hutzpah too. Leading the way Madoka! Nicely done.

  • Kendall Defoe about a year ago

    Okay, you win... 🏅 Laughed so hard I almost woke up...! :)

  • J. S. Wadeabout a year ago

    🤣. Hilarious! I enjoyed your show! 🥇

  • J. R. Loweabout a year ago

    First of all - WELCOME BACK!🎉Second, this was such a fun piece - you can really 'see' the characters when you read it. Very witty and exciting, and I love the supernatural twist. Third - thank you for posting this, I had absolutely no idea how to even begin writing something for this challenge so this is a great example😂

Madoka MoriWritten by Madoka Mori

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