Dick Winchester in... Dick Winchester Episode 1: “Gratuity Not Included”

Book 1, Chapter 4

INTRO / A LONE SAXOPHONE MOANS A MOURNFUL NOTE

NARRATOR

A city street caught somewhere between the rock and a place too hard for even the hardest man. Yet, one hard man walks this dead-end street, his shoulders hunched forward beneath his leather jacket. In this town full of losers, a city of shut down strangers and hot rod angels, some want him dead. Even less want him alive. Those few that remain know that it will take more than death to see the last of... Dick Winchester.

DICK looks up into the camera as lightning splits the sky behind him and the music crescendos.

FADE IN

NARRATOR

Tonight’s episode finds Dick at his home base deep within the lawless backstreets of Arlington, Virginia as he and his long-time associate Norm count their latest earnings from their underground food delivery service.

MUSIC FADES OUT

NORM

You didn’t text me back.

DICK

First off, it wasn’t a text. It was a reel you sent me through Instagram. Second off, so what?

NORM

“So what?” You never told me what you think!

DICK [shrugs]

Yeah, it was funny.

NORM [smiling]

You think so?

DICK

Sure.

NORM [smile drops, now suspicious]

Then what was it about?

DICK

Huh?

NORM

What was it about? Since it was so funny, it must have left an impression. So let’s hear it, wise guy.

DICK [rubbing the back of his neck]

I, uh, well...

[points to pile of cash on table in front of them]

Shouldn’t you be counting that?

NORM

Sure, but what does it matter? If you won’t live up to your obligations, why should I live up to mine?

DICK

Because I’m paying you to, jackass.

NORM

Oh, really? That didn’t seem to matter when you ignored my message.

DICK

Because you’re not paying me.

NORM [sniffling]

You would say that, wouldn’t you?

DICK

How are you paying me? This is my business. That’s my pile of money. This is my garage.

NORM [looking around]

Wait, really? Didn’t the sign say this was a WeWork?

DICK

You wouldn’t believe the renovations they’ll do if you slam a duffel bag full of cash on the building manager’s desk.

NORM

Unbelievable.

DICK

What?

NORM

You have all this money. All this influence. And yet you still can’t take two seconds to send a few laughing emojis after your friend spent all that time picking out the reel he knew would brighten your day.

[sniffling again]

Sarah was right about you. You’re nothing but a heartless jerk.

DICK

I’m not heartless!

[pauses]

Wait, Sarah was talking about me? What else did she say?

NORM [anguished]

First you tear out my heart, and now you’re changing the subject?!

[begins sobbing into fistful of 20s]

DICK

Ah, Jesus.

[pats NORM’s back]

Hey, don’t do that, pal. I’m sorry. Sometimes I get a bit overwhelmed and I do insensitive things. I loved that reel.

NORM [smiling again]

You did?

DICK

I really did, buddy. Now how’s abouts you and me finish counting up today’s earnings so we can get out of here and get you an ice cream. My treat.

NORM [visibly older than DICK]

Okay, Dad—

DICK

Dick.

NORM

—Dick!

DICK [rifling through dollar bills again]

Can I ask you something, Norm?

NORM

Sure.

DICK

What’s so important about all that stuff, anyway? Aren’t phones just a tool? Why did we let them become our whole lives?

NORM [looks around]

Uh, didn’t you say we should get back to work, boss?

DICK

But I want to know—

NORM [grabs the collar of DICK’s shirt and hisses]

Not. Here.

NORM pulls phone from his pocket and exaggeratedly places it on the table, then looks expectantly at DICK. After a moment, DICK places his phone on the table, and NORM takes him by the arm to the other end of the room.

NORM [whispering furiously]

Are you trying to get me killed?

DICK [at normal volume]

What?

[after a glare from NORM, whispers]

What?

NORM [points to phones]

They’re listening.

DICK

Who? The Feds? You think we’re being wiretapped?

NORM [chuckles sadly]

This goes way higher than that. The government only looks like it’s in control because they allow it.

[points to phones again]

DICK [cocks head]

The phones?

NORM [holding his head in his hand]

Man, Sarah was really right about you.

DICK [perks up]

Sar—

[catches himself]

Listen, Norm, I’ve been bitten by the conspiracy bug once or twice myself, so I get it. But there can’t possibly be an organization more corrupt or nefarious than the U.S. Government. Besides Uber Eats or DoorDash, but that goes without saying.

NORM

You don’t get it. Everyone knows that Google, Facebook, and Angie’s List hold all the power. But they can’t tolerate us pulling back the curtain by talking about it. Look at all these influencers who suddenly decide they’re doing phone-free weekends. Vanished! Never to be heard from again.

DICK [chuckling]

You’re not hearing from them because they don’t have their phones, Norm.

NORM

You’re just another pawn on their chessboard, Dick. We all are. But pawns get knocked off sooner or later. Especially the ones who refuse to play the game.

DICK [walking back to the phone]

The only pawns here are these little pieces of plastic that have to do everything we say, Norm.

[picks up phone]

See? I’m holding the phone and speaking directly to it. Have the shadow brokers come from the fifth dimension to kill me yet?

NORM

Dick. Stop.

DICK

Here, I’ll do you one better.

[to the phone]

Hey, Siri.

SIRI

What can I help you with, Dick?

DICK

Hmm, let’s see. Can you kill me?

SIRI

No.

DICK

See, Norm? It’s just a harmless—

SIRI

Not me.

A heavy knock on the front door. DICK nearly drops the phone, and NORM’s face pales.

DICK [calling out]

Who the hell is it?

KEISHA [from other side of door]

DoorDash.

DICK and NORM draw handguns from their waistbands.

DICK

I didn’t order any.

KEISHA

It says the order is for Norm Kreitzer? From Sarah Wight?

NORM [putting away gun]

Oh, wow. Babe, you shouldn’t have!

[jogs to the door]

DICK [holding up a hand]

No, wait. Don’t—

NORM unlocks the door. It flies open, knocking NORM back. KEISHA and LEANNA step through, KEISHA shoving NORM to the floor while LEANNA brandishes a Thompson submachine gun.

LEANNA [raising Thompson]

Special delivery!

DICK

Shit!

Bullets fly as LEANNA fires from the hip, filling the wall behind DICK with holes. NORM’s fall has unleashed a flurry of dollar bills that were formerly in his hand.

DICK

Noooooo.

Time slows. Dropping his gun, DICK leaps through the air, passing between each bullet as the submachine gun expends individual brass casings with each concussion in the foreground. DICK manages to grab every stray dollar. Then time resumes normal speed as DICK lands on top of NORM.

NORM

Wow, Dick, you really risked your life to shield me?

DICK [glancing at the crumpled bills in his hands]

Uh, yeah. Couldn’t let anything happen to my best friend.

NORM

Friend? Best?

[gasps]

Dad?

DICK

Best friend, that’s my final offer.

KEISHA coughs expectantly.

DICK [gets to his feet]

Oh, sorry. Not very professional.

KEISHA

Hey, I know you!

[turns to LEANNA]

Leanna, you know who this is? It’s Dick Winchester. Man, our bosses really hate you.

DICK

Oh, I’m aware.

[pauses]

Wait, you didn’t know who I was before?

KEISHA

What do you mean?

LEANNA

He thinks our employers ordered a hit on him, Keisha.

KEISHA

Ohhhh.

[laughs]

Nope, just doing our jobs.

DICK

You’re really just DoorDash drivers?

[nods to LEANNA’s Thomspon]

Then what the hell is that doing here?

LEANNA

It’s like you said. We’re DoorDash drivers.

NORM [getting to his feet]

Oh, I heard about this. You’re launching a new service, right?

DICK

How do you know that?

NORM

It was in their latest email. All DashPass members get them.

[seeing DICK’s withering glare]

What?

[realization dawning]

Oh, shit...

DICK

Maybe I shouldn’t be paying you, moron. You know our money comes from us stealing their business, and here you are giving it right back to them!

KEISHA

If you two are quite finished.

DICK [turning back]

Right, sorry. Go on, then.

[closes his eyes and tenses]

KEISHA [pulling out a sheet of paper]

“Please stop hurting my boyfriend’s feelings, Dick, or the next delivery will be full service. From Sarah.”

DICK [opens his eyes]

Wait, you’re not going to shoot me?

LEANNA

Nope, this is our Harass and Intimidate tier.

[grins]

What, you really thought I was that bad of a shot? You didn’t make it easy, I’ll have you know. Having to shoot around a man in midair? Forget about it.

NORM

You’ve got to spring for the Maim and Debilitate tier. That’s the best value for your buck.

KEISHA

You read our brochure!

DICK [to NORM]

I’m about to shoot you myself, you walking DoorDash billboard.

LEANNA [slaps the side of her still smoking Thompson]

If you ever get serious, you know who to call. Though I gotta warn you, we charge by the bullet, and with inflation the way it is, that pile of money may not cover it if you don’t act soon.

DICK

With Biden in charge, it’s probably worthless already.

All laugh, including SIRI.

KEISHA

Funny thing, though. Right before we drove up, Leanna here got an email from an anonymous address saying there was $500K in an anonymized PayPal account if we were willing to accept this proposal on Angie’s List.

DICK

What was the job?

LEANNA

To kill you.

DICK

And you didn’t take it? Hell, I’d kill myself for $500K.

KEISHA

Hey, we’re professionals here. And I don’t get tipped if you’re dead.

[holds out her hand]

DICK

Oh, right.

[counts out the bills he plucked from the air]

How’s 20% sound?

KEISHA [crinkles her nose]

That’s actually 19%.

[winks]

But we’ll call it even for the chance to shoot at a living legend in the Arlington food delivery business.

DICK

I appreciate you and your associate’s style. Here, take my card. In case you ever feel like leaving the corporate life behind.

LEANNA [grinning]

You realize we’d be shot in the kneecaps if we were caught with this, right?

DICK [shrugs]

We’re always looking for fresh talent to join our fast-growing enterprise. Lots of our drivers keep calling out sick with broken limbs.

KEISHA

We’ll be seeing each other, Winchester.

KEISHA and LEANNA exit through the front door. DICK locks it behind them and turns to NORM.

DICK

Well, I guess the only conspiracy here was your girlfriend attempting to shut me up. Though that whole Angie’s List bit is odd, I have to admit.

[seeing NORM hasn’t reacted]

Hello? Earth to Norm?

NORM [to himself]

My baby really cares about my feelings so much that she paid DoorDash drivers to shoot at him. Is this what love feels like?

DICK

I don’t know much, but I know love dies the second DoorDash enters the picture.

NORM

You’re just jealous.

DICK [suddenly defensive]

What, jealous? Who said anything about that? That would imply I wanted your girlfriend for myself. I never said anything about that. Though apparently she talks about me, so if she that were ever to come up in conversation, even as a hypothetical...

[seeing the look on NORM’s face]

So, how about that ice cream, sport?

NORM

Nah, don’t worry about it.

DICK

But I promised.

NORM [holds up phone]

I took care of it.

DICK

Took care of—

[realization dawns]

Oh, don’t tell me, you son of a...

A heavy knock on the front door.

KEISHA [through the door]

DoorDash!

NARRATOR

Join us next week for another thrilling episode as Dick Winchester and his indomitable crew of underground food delivery drivers must navigate the treacherous waters of automotive insurance in... Dick Winchester Episode 2: “Slashed Tires are not Covered Under Your Plan”

###

Until then, join Dick on his debut adventure when a package arrives on his front door. No name, no return address, and only the dim outline of an Amazon drone rising into the sky. As the box starts ticking in his hands, will Dick solve the mystery of what the package holds in time?

More Dick Winchester in...

The Opening Salvo (Book 1)

1. The Box with No Name
2. The Last Word
3. The Hat Trick
4. Dick Winchester Episode 1: Gratuity Not Included — you are here
5. The Terminus — print exclusive*
6. The Fairy Tale
7. The Cop Out — print exclusive*
8. The Enlistment
9. The Cliffhanger
10. The Cliffhanger, The Prequel
11. The Cliffhanger, The Finale

*When the book is released in September 2024

The Counterattack (Book 2)

• Opening chapter: The Deflation