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Menopause

And Other Warning Labels

By Kelli Sheckler-AmsdenPublished 4 months ago 3 min read
Top Story - January 2024
27
Menopause
Photo by Cameron Edwards on Unsplash

A bare-naked leg dangled desperately off the edge of the bed, as she struggled to adjust the temperature.

(Men and pause) had ravaged her body, destroying its ability to maintain proper function. Hot then cold, tired then weak, insomnia followed by exhaustion. A cycle, years in the making.

Though the fan hummed and spun courageously on high, the intense, internal heat, radiated from head to toe. Leaving vague imprints of her outline. Wet sheets mocked the once enticing illusion of such intrigues.

She sulked silently, sweating in the darkness. Waiting for daylight to give its sunny approval to stir.

As she drug her tired, sleep ridden body to the shower. She turned on some music to set the tone of the day, hoping for a reprise. When the sight of her reflection, stopped her in her tracks.

Her aged transformation caught her by surprise. She paused for a moment, gazing at the stranger in her mirror. "Where did you come from?" she snapped vehemently. Her image stared back, silently, seemingly withholding the answer she so desperately craved.

She ran her fingers around her eyebrows, her hair still damp from the last hot flash. She struggled as she tugged a comb through the knotted mess, Tossing the comb onto the vanity she sighed.

Biting her lower lip, she pinched at her cheeks, her once radiant, flawless skin now appeared ashen and pasty. Much like the baker, at the pastry shop she frequented on her way to work. "Where DID you come from," she demanded again.

With no response from her less than enchanting image, she flipped her middle finger at the mirror and flung the curtain back to start the water, mumbling. "Who's gonna notice anyway..."

She climbed into the shower, cranking the hot water down, letting the cold water cool her to her core.

As she finished her shower, she wrapped herself in a towel, she grinned as she turned the hot water back up, fogging over the reflection in the mirror. "I don't need to see THAT again," she said, making her way back to the fan in her bedroom.

She tossed the towel onto the floor, flopped back on the bed and air dried. By the time she was ready to proceed with the morning routines, she felt as if she needed to shower again.

"Damn hot flashes," she growled. Feeling disheveled, she threw her hair in a bun, and headed out.

As she was standing in line at her favorite bakery, a voice from behind her asked. "Excuse me ma'am, I need you to settle an argument for me and my friend here."

She turned to find two middle aged men snickering..."yeah, ok, what is it? She sighed.

"At what age does a woman stop being hot?" He laughed as he was asking.

Half irritated, she asked, "I don't know, when?"

"NEVER he blurted, they just get hot flashes!" As they fell over themselves laughing, she got her order and began to leave, when she felt another hot flash coming on. To her dismay, the men also noticed the perspiration seeping through her blouse and began to laugh again, using her as their ill-timed punchline.

She later told police; she didn't know what had come over her.

As they escorted her out of an applauding building, she noticed the two men sitting on the floor. They were covered head to toe in flour water and dough, surrounded by a crowd of perspiring women.

She smiled as she slid into the air-conditioned patrol car.

Moral of the story? Just don't.

And if you must; please, read the room

Funny
27

About the Creator

Kelli Sheckler-Amsden

Telling stories my heart needs to tell <3 life is a journey, not a competition

If you like what you read, feel free to leave a tip, I would love some feedback

Find me on twitter @kelli7958958

or facebook

Reader insights

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Comments (26)

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  • Nicole Gibson3 months ago

    Hi just wanted to let you know I thoroughly enjoyed your story.touch wood I'm creeping up on 50 and haven't had to deal with menopause yet.

  • Jay Kantor3 months ago

    Hi Ki - May I take a moment? I can't keep up with you; could it be your 'Flashes' thrust your pen; sorry, not funny. But, I have a confession: Although we seem to always be 'perpetual' BunkMates (metaphorically writing) in the Humor Department. I just didn't want to read this because of the title: I've felt the flashes 'subliminally' as well as to know when to get outta-the-way rants - a marvelous description; I remember it well. I just felt the need to say that with Valentine's Day coming up and I miss mine - Always a lifetime of experiences shared.....Sorry for the Soppy-Goop - - Hope you know I'm funnin' - Jbud in l.a.

  • Andrea Corwin 3 months ago

    Yeah, baby, that’s what I’m talking about!! Loved it!! And guys - it is not funny, not a joke, beware - because as women age, we are done with the nonsense. Great job, Kelli! 😂😍

  • Pamela Walsh-Holte4 months ago

    OMG I resemble this remark oh ya! Menopause was a b! For sure1 Love this!

  • GREAT STORY

  • Raymond G. Taylor4 months ago

    Ha! Ha! A wonderful comeuppance after a rough ride. Truly heartfelt and engaging. TS deserved 🥰

  • Phil Flannery4 months ago

    I will cautiously comment on this. I have watched helplessly as my wife began her journey through menopause, she's sure it's a road with no end, and I am constantly reminded of the trials a woman's body goes through from adolescence to the great beyond. It reminds me why women are the stronger sex. As for idiots making fun of things you have little control over, people suck. An important top story, even of it is in the Humour community. Ya gotta laugh.

  • Kendall Defoe 4 months ago

    I was smiling all the way through this... -signed, a guy

  • Caroline Craven4 months ago

    Great story. Very relatable (unfortunately!)

  • Men can be such pigs, lol. But somehow it doesn't seem right. They act so boorishly only to end up rolling in dough?

  • I definitely did not expect that turn at the end. But it was enjoyable. There are so many lines that truly capture what it means to realize the aging process, like "Her aged transformation caught her by surprise." Congrats on Top Story!

  • Back to say congratulations on your Top Story! 🎉💖🎊🎉💖🎊

  • Cheryl E Preston4 months ago

    I still get hot fleshes at 65 sometimes. Thanks for writing about this subject.

  • Rachel Robbins4 months ago

    I hate having a hot flush and catching my sweaty reflection in a mirror. And I wonder why they don’t make the youthful mirrors, like they used to. Congratulations on Top Story.

  • Diana Penn4 months ago

    I laughed out loud to this one. So relatable. The mirror thing is on point… “oh my word…. I’m looking old… and FAT!” Followed by, “okay - I’m just not looking” only to peek a little later to double check, making sure…. “Yup, I’m not dreaming. Ugh.” LOL!! That was awesome.

  • Test4 months ago

    Superlative job! Maintain the fantastic effort—congrats!

  • Lamar Wiggins4 months ago

    😂 Advice duly noted... Great story, Kelli!

  • Suze Kay4 months ago

    At first, I hoped the scoundrel was saying she was still hot! LOL

  • Hannah Moore4 months ago

    I mean, I'm not supposed to condone violence, but....

  • Ace Melee4 months ago

    This was funny (and relatable). Congratulations on Top Story!

  • Cathy holmes4 months ago

    Yes! Bloody fantastic. Congrats on the TS.

  • Hahahahahahahahahahaha thank you so much for making my day! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

  • LOVE THIS

  • Daphsam4 months ago

    Hahahahaahah, so funny!

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