Laugh, Dang It

I was quite intrigued when Vocal recently announced four new communities for creators to try our craft in. As those of you who have followed some on my shenanigans on the platform could imagine, the Humour (I’m Canadian, don’t even mention the spelling) community would be the one I would be most drawn to.

I had intended to post something a little earlier, but as we all know, sometimes life gets in the way. Sometimes life is just not funny. Sometimes life kicks so hard that it sends any semblance of a sense of humour screaming into the next galaxy. And then sometimes, you just have to fight back, because the truth is, a good laugh can carry the same healing powers as a warm hug - maybe even more so.

As I was scrolling through my Facebook profile last night, I came across some old posts and decided that I needed to laugh - even if it is at my own expense. Seriously, some of the things I posted made me wonder if there is truly something wrong with me. But, hey. It was funny (at least I think so,) so who cares, right?

I initially thought to take screen shots of my posts and embed them into this piece, but it didn’t work - something about fetch errors or whatever. What, am I dog, Vocal? Yes, I know what it means…sort of. Anyway, instead of the screen shots I decided it was best to just copy/paste the words from the FB posts.

I didn’t put a content warning at the beginning of this piece, as I don’t really feel there is anything in here that could be considered offensive or triggering. However, I will say that if you are averse to swearing, you likely won’t enjoy my sailor mouth (or I guess sailor fingers in this case.) So, if you are offended by F-Bombs, it’s probably best that you eff off. Just kidding. Of course, you’re welcome to stay, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

For those still with me, I thank you, you bunch of heathens. And just in case you weren’t paying attention to the cover pic, I bid you a most sincere good day:

Good morning beautiful people. Have a fabulous day and remember, somebody loves you. Not me, but someone.

While scrolling through my profile posts, I came across a common theme, or common muse - coffee! I haven’t included all the mentions, but there were a few I’d like to share:

I added an extra scoop to my coffee this morning for quicker wake-me-up. Damn stuff is so strong, it jumped outta the cup and punched me in the face. Gooooooodd Morrrrrrnnnning!

*

Why is it that 60 years goes by in a blink, but 60 seconds takes a decade?

Me, waiting for the microwave to heat my coffee.

It’s a good thing my coffee was sufficiently warmed before I received this phone call. Otherwise, I may not have been so, uh, friendly:

Caller: Good morning ma'am, I'm calling from duct cleaning services.

Me: No thanks. My ducks clean themselves.

Long pause "what?"

Me: yeah, they clean themselves, in the tub.

Another long pause

Me: You can come clean the chickens if you want.

*click

Without my preferred morning beverage, I may get a little confused at times:

I just saw a stegounicorn walking across the lawn. Or maybe it was a little girl carrying a pink umbrella with rainbow spikes. Where's my coffee?

Or even just downright crusty:

Standing on the balcony, inhaling the scent of fresh spring rain, listening to the beautiful song of a robin and mumbling "shut the fuck up, you yellow-breasted bitch." Yup, this girl needs more coffee.

As I said, there were quite a few more that I didn’t include. In case you’re wondering why I seem to be obsessed with coffee, just know that I tried something different, but it didn’t work out so well:

Despite my best efforts, turns out rum does NOT cure a cold. In fact, it actually adds to the misery by giving the user a not so lovely headache! But then again, that may have been the beer. Damn, did I screw up that recipe again?

I mentioned that lack of coffee can make me a little crusty. You know what else can? Weather:

Laughing at my own "Canadian." I just noticed the temp on my computer had switched to Fahrenheit, so I told it to fuck off and changed it back to Celsius.

*

You know you’ve lost it when you keep making the same mistake and yell “Listen, Fuckface” at the phone. Blame it on the heatstroke.

And if you think my words are cranky and miserable, like we say down home “Face on dat, luh.”

Speaking of sports, everyone who knows me is aware that I am a big time Toronto sports fan. Sometimes I have to ask myself why though:

Being a Toronto sports fan is like a warm hug...from a grizzly bear, while you're on fire.

*

Wondering what to watch on TV tonight, when I remembered the Jays are playing the Yankees so I mumbled aloud, "Oh that's right, The Bastards are in town tonight." Guess I'm getting amped up for baseball season.

You know what goes with sports? Yes, beer of course. But besides that? Snacks of course. Just make sure you don’t bring any of these nasty things:

Had a second Christmas dinner tonight thanks to my wonderful niece who sent turkey and all the fixings. Unbeknownst to me however, she snuck in a few Brussels sprouts, and I ate two of little evil green bastards before I realized it. Nice try, Susie Q.

*

Cooking Easter/bro's birthday dinner tonight. Not sure how it's gonna work out though, considering I just took a package of Brussels sprouts out of the grocery bag and told it to go fuck itself. Side note: how do I make those things not taste like garbage?

How do these horrible little green demon testicles keep sneaking into my home? Hurry! Change all the locks!

Sometimes I get these random thoughts, or needs to complain (bitch), that seem to come from a weird little corner of my mind that should probably be double padlocked with warning signs on the door:

Dear Autocorrect: Can you please stop changing “this” to “thus,” you absolute moron; or if you prefer, you absolute macaroni.

*

Dear Creepy-Crawly Things,

If you didn't come in my home, I wouldn't have to murder you! Smarten up, you little shits.

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Those laundry scent booster commercials irritate me. "Your clothes may look clean, but not smell clean." Why not? What are you washing them in, onion soup? Swamp water? Dog piss? Fuck off.

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Did you ever say something that sounds perfectly reasonable, and then realize that if anyone heard it, without context, they'd be like Wtf? For example, "Abigail, take your arse with you." Yeah, don't ask. PS Can someone direct me to the place I left my mind. I can't seem to find it.

Speaking of my adorable cat, Abigail:

Lay my clothes out on the bed before my shower, come back to find the cat sleeping on the clothes. So now I have to wear something else, so I don't disturb her. Yup. I'm officially a crazy cat lady.

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As those of you who’ve seen my numerous “Abigail” pieces on Vocal already know, she runs the household. She’s cute as a button and spoiled rotten. There are days, however, when…let’s just say there are days:

Abi-gumplins is going in a pot with dumplins, if she doesn't shut the fuck up!

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As we draw near the end of my Facebook madness, I thank you for spending (wasting) your time reading my article and sincerely hope you have enjoyed taking this ride with me. On the off chance that you haven’t, I feel I should inform you that I am still accepting applications for the position listed below:

I need a slap in the head. Any volunteers?

For those of you that have enjoyed a brief look into my possibly warped mind, as I bid you good day earlier, I bid you good evening now:

Go to bed, ya bunch of heathens... er, I mean goodnight!