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Laugh, Dang It

A Collection of FB Madness From the Mind of Yours Truly

By Cathy holmesPublished 12 months ago 6 min read
30

I was quite intrigued when Vocal recently announced four new communities for creators to try our craft in. As those of you who have followed some on my shenanigans on the platform could imagine, the Humour (I’m Canadian, don’t even mention the spelling) community would be the one I would be most drawn to.

I had intended to post something a little earlier, but as we all know, sometimes life gets in the way. Sometimes life is just not funny. Sometimes life kicks so hard that it sends any semblance of a sense of humour screaming into the next galaxy. And then sometimes, you just have to fight back, because the truth is, a good laugh can carry the same healing powers as a warm hug - maybe even more so.

As I was scrolling through my Facebook profile last night, I came across some old posts and decided that I needed to laugh - even if it is at my own expense. Seriously, some of the things I posted made me wonder if there is truly something wrong with me. But, hey. It was funny (at least I think so,) so who cares, right?

I initially thought to take screen shots of my posts and embed them into this piece, but it didn’t work - something about fetch errors or whatever. What, am I dog, Vocal? Yes, I know what it means…sort of. Anyway, instead of the screen shots I decided it was best to just copy/paste the words from the FB posts.

I didn’t put a content warning at the beginning of this piece, as I don’t really feel there is anything in here that could be considered offensive or triggering. However, I will say that if you are averse to swearing, you likely won’t enjoy my sailor mouth (or I guess sailor fingers in this case.) So, if you are offended by F-Bombs, it’s probably best that you eff off. Just kidding. Of course, you’re welcome to stay, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

For those still with me, I thank you, you bunch of heathens. And just in case you weren’t paying attention to the cover pic, I bid you a most sincere good day:

Good morning beautiful people. Have a fabulous day and remember, somebody loves you. Not me, but someone.

While scrolling through my profile posts, I came across a common theme, or common muse - coffee! I haven’t included all the mentions, but there were a few I’d like to share:

I added an extra scoop to my coffee this morning for quicker wake-me-up. Damn stuff is so strong, it jumped outta the cup and punched me in the face. Gooooooodd Morrrrrrnnnning!

*

Why is it that 60 years goes by in a blink, but 60 seconds takes a decade?

Me, waiting for the microwave to heat my coffee.

It’s a good thing my coffee was sufficiently warmed before I received this phone call. Otherwise, I may not have been so, uh, friendly:

Caller: Good morning ma'am, I'm calling from duct cleaning services.

Me: No thanks. My ducks clean themselves.

Long pause "what?"

Me: yeah, they clean themselves, in the tub.

Another long pause

Me: You can come clean the chickens if you want.

*click

Without my preferred morning beverage, I may get a little confused at times:

I just saw a stegounicorn walking across the lawn. Or maybe it was a little girl carrying a pink umbrella with rainbow spikes. Where's my coffee?

Or even just downright crusty:

Standing on the balcony, inhaling the scent of fresh spring rain, listening to the beautiful song of a robin and mumbling "shut the fuck up, you yellow-breasted bitch." Yup, this girl needs more coffee.

As I said, there were quite a few more that I didn’t include. In case you’re wondering why I seem to be obsessed with coffee, just know that I tried something different, but it didn’t work out so well:

Despite my best efforts, turns out rum does NOT cure a cold. In fact, it actually adds to the misery by giving the user a not so lovely headache! But then again, that may have been the beer. Damn, did I screw up that recipe again?

I mentioned that lack of coffee can make me a little crusty. You know what else can? Weather:

Laughing at my own "Canadian." I just noticed the temp on my computer had switched to Fahrenheit, so I told it to fuck off and changed it back to Celsius.

*

You know you’ve lost it when you keep making the same mistake and yell “Listen, Fuckface” at the phone. Blame it on the heatstroke.

And if you think my words are cranky and miserable, like we say down home “Face on dat, luh.”

Speaking of sports, everyone who knows me is aware that I am a big time Toronto sports fan. Sometimes I have to ask myself why though:

Being a Toronto sports fan is like a warm hug...from a grizzly bear, while you're on fire.

*

Wondering what to watch on TV tonight, when I remembered the Jays are playing the Yankees so I mumbled aloud, "Oh that's right, The Bastards are in town tonight." Guess I'm getting amped up for baseball season.

You know what goes with sports? Yes, beer of course. But besides that? Snacks of course. Just make sure you don’t bring any of these nasty things:

Had a second Christmas dinner tonight thanks to my wonderful niece who sent turkey and all the fixings. Unbeknownst to me however, she snuck in a few Brussels sprouts, and I ate two of little evil green bastards before I realized it. Nice try, Susie Q.

*

Cooking Easter/bro's birthday dinner tonight. Not sure how it's gonna work out though, considering I just took a package of Brussels sprouts out of the grocery bag and told it to go fuck itself. Side note: how do I make those things not taste like garbage?

How do these horrible little green demon testicles keep sneaking into my home? Hurry! Change all the locks!

Sometimes I get these random thoughts, or needs to complain (bitch), that seem to come from a weird little corner of my mind that should probably be double padlocked with warning signs on the door:

Dear Autocorrect: Can you please stop changing “this” to “thus,” you absolute moron; or if you prefer, you absolute macaroni.

*

Dear Creepy-Crawly Things,

If you didn't come in my home, I wouldn't have to murder you! Smarten up, you little shits.

*

Those laundry scent booster commercials irritate me. "Your clothes may look clean, but not smell clean." Why not? What are you washing them in, onion soup? Swamp water? Dog piss? Fuck off.

*

Did you ever say something that sounds perfectly reasonable, and then realize that if anyone heard it, without context, they'd be like Wtf? For example, "Abigail, take your arse with you." Yeah, don't ask. PS Can someone direct me to the place I left my mind. I can't seem to find it.

Speaking of my adorable cat, Abigail:

Lay my clothes out on the bed before my shower, come back to find the cat sleeping on the clothes. So now I have to wear something else, so I don't disturb her. Yup. I'm officially a crazy cat lady.

*

As those of you who’ve seen my numerous “Abigail” pieces on Vocal already know, she runs the household. She’s cute as a button and spoiled rotten. There are days, however, when…let’s just say there are days:

Abi-gumplins is going in a pot with dumplins, if she doesn't shut the fuck up!

*

As we draw near the end of my Facebook madness, I thank you for spending (wasting) your time reading my article and sincerely hope you have enjoyed taking this ride with me. On the off chance that you haven’t, I feel I should inform you that I am still accepting applications for the position listed below:

I need a slap in the head. Any volunteers?

For those of you that have enjoyed a brief look into my possibly warped mind, as I bid you good day earlier, I bid you good evening now:

Go to bed, ya bunch of heathens... er, I mean goodnight!

LaughterSarcasm
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About the Creator

Cathy holmes

Canadian family girl with a recently discovered love for writing. Other loves include animals and sports.

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Comments (26)

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  • Lilly Cooper11 months ago

    OK, some notes: - clearly Canadians use English the same as Austrailians. I spell it humour too... except that I'm dyslexic and Auto correct keeps bullying me and telling me I can't spell it and I can't figure out if I'm right or not at 1am. - I drink coffee for everyone else's safety too! - Celsius just makes sense. I don't swear all that much, at least not out loud. I have a parrot in the house in the form of a small human who repeats EVERYTHING. Loved your piece! I think we share a similar sense of humour.

  • Jazzy 11 months ago

    I would really love to have coffee with you lol!

  • Mariann Carroll11 months ago

    Sorry been so busy, finally catching up with your hilarious stories. Your stories don’t come up on my notifications but I am subscriber. This was very funny , thank you for your natural humor. It’s definitely the talk of the town. 🥰

  • Gina C.11 months ago

    Oh my, my dear friend - how did I ever miss this?! I've been busy writing some stories for painted prose and so I've missed quite a bit in the groups. I wanted to stop by your page, and I found this gem 🤗 Your posts are so hilarious!! I really love the one about the "ducts" and the chickens 😅😅😅 Thank you so much for a giggle!! 🤗❤️❤️

  • J. R. Lowe12 months ago

    Hahahahaha, oh this is amazing. Your sense of humour is the best thing to ever happen to Vocal 😂

  • Heather Hubler12 months ago

    The funnies thing is...I remember so many of these posts as you made them. Hahahaha! Well you know I love your swear-y sense of humor because it matches my own. And I would always rather laugh than cry, so I use it like a crutch sometimes. Loved this and you!!

  • Dana Stewart12 months ago

    Love your humor! The bit about the ducks/ducts is priceless. You could have your own podcast.

  • J. S. Wade12 months ago

    Hahaha. You could do stand up. Just let it rip! You do know I mean jokes, so put the knife down. Please 🤣

  • Clyde E. Dawkins12 months ago

    LOL as a fan of those "bastards," I love this story!!! Very awesome!

  • Cendrine Marrouat12 months ago

    It was so much fun to read! I love your sense of humor! Us, Canadians, know how to make the most of the "warm" time we have during our 3 weeks of summer / 9 months of winter, eh? LOL!

  • Phil Flannery12 months ago

    That was a lot of fun, unfortunately my sarcasm doesn't translate to humour on facebook and people yell at me. I don't know if you're interested, but halve the Brussel sprouts and fry them in some butter and olive oil, not too much, salt and pepper, a little garlic if you like. Grill them in the oven with parmesan and breadcrumbs. Beautiful. Or throw them to the ducks

  • Alexandria Stanwyck12 months ago

    I love this so much. I actually read this at the best time; I was in need of some laughs. Thank you! (Although I'm sure you didn't post this just for my benefit.)

  • But I love all your 'thus'! You have no idea how much I laugh whenever I see "Thus is great" or "Thus is amazing" on any posts! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 It's freaking hilarious! Also, no idea whatever did the brussel sprouts ever do to you 🤣 Okay bye heathen 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

  • Roy Stevens12 months ago

    😆😆😆❗❗❗ Folks, this is Newfie humour at its best and believe me, you've been honoured by having a true Newf call you a heathen. I feel blessed today and that's coming from an old Bluenoser. Now where's the Screech? Finally, 'How do these horrible little green demon testicles keep sneaking into my home?' "Attack of the Killer Brussel Sprouts" is a great idea for a sci-fi story from you Cathy! Thank you so much for brightening a dull day here in the flaccid penis of Ontario. Now - "Fuck off" 😁 Not you Abigail! 😼

  • Dana Crandell12 months ago

    Enjoyed every word of it, but I think you misspelled Hummer. (I'll show myself out.)

  • That was funny and probably a Top Story

  • Tiffany Gordon 12 months ago

    LOL! 😂 Cathy you're something else!

  • Misty Rae12 months ago

    As a proud Canadian heathen, I love this! Self cleaning ducks, LOL!

  • Babs Iverson12 months ago

    Can't stop laughing!!! Love it!!! 💕 You are Vocal's Top Humorist. ❤️❤️💕

  • 🎯🤣This Community was made just for you😉❗

  • My duck clean themselves. Lol!!!! That was funny. 😄

  • KJ Aartila12 months ago

    I enjoyed the ride through Cathy's Madtown. 🤣😊

  • Lamar Wiggins12 months ago

    😂😂😂😅😅😅🤣🤣😅😅😀 That's kind of how the read went for me. I remember some of those rants but the ones I've never read just added to the long list of witty stuff that comes out of your head..."Little green demon testicles" I'll never look at Brussel sprouts the same again. Thank you for the laugh, Cathy...

  • Gerald Holmes12 months ago

    Lol!!!! Funny as F##K.

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