It's just my hemorrhoid.

(Photo done by JLN Photography and Digital Services - My best friend and sister!)

I am convinced there are three types of people in the world. There are the people who look at kids, cringe, and run far away. The kinds of people who see a pregnant woman and run away from them like they have a contagious and fatal disease. The people who hiss and their skin visibly sizzles and smokes when someone asks them if they ever want kids of their own. And if you ask them if they would ever consider being a teacher? You'd probably get a loathing look that'll pierce your soul with venom.

Then you have the people in the world (mostly young women and elderly women) who see a kid and they immediately gush and ask you if they can keep your kid (yes, by the way, you may. When you are ready to return t whichever child you took here is my address. I'll see you in a few hours.), the ooers and the awers and the 'oh my GOD you're so cute I could just EAT you! (I don't advise this. You have no idea how grubby that child is. Not safe. Contaminated. I promise). The women that already have a couple of kids and when they see you with your newborn they immediately get baby fever again.

And there are teachers. And we are complicated. In the mornings, we usually start out very happy and we're so excited to see our little friends. But by that LONG 6 hours later, we're so ready for you to take your spawn and go the hell away. It's a hard life, both loving and hating everything about your job. We will sit there and bleach down our classrooms and sweet and mop cussing your kids sometimes. But at the end of the year we are going to bawl our eyes out when we say goodbye to them, and our hearts will literally be broken. And all of us have those students who will always be the kids we think about for the rest of our career when another kid does something that reminds us of them.

I don't know what it is about kids. One of them can have an off day, and it'll be okay. But if two or three of those little heathens come in a bad mood or not feeling right, or feeling extra excited they infect the WHOLE damn class with their bad juju. At least once a week there is a day (usually towards the middle or the end of the week) where almost all the children in every class will just be wild animals. Those are the days we teachers usually go home crying. I can't tell you how many times I've seen an exhausted just look at me helplessly and give in to their exhaustion. And then there are the 'problem' kids.

Listen, people, before I make you laugh I'm gonna hurt some feelings first. Us teachers? ESPECIALLY those of us who are teaching Kindergarten and preschool... we know which of you parents take proper care of your kids, okay? We know which ones don't get disciplined. We know which ones don't get fed right. We know which ones don't get bathed properly. We know which ones don't get enough hugs.

We know these things because we work very closely with all of our kids. It doesn't matter if we have 9 babies or 17 in our class. By the end of the first week, we know all of our kids, and we are already starting to get a really good idea of what goes on at home. And they don't have to know words to tell us. We've seen it all. And while not giving your kid a bath more than once a week isn't illegal, just know, even if we are heavily bitching about you and your kid when you're gone, we WILL do something about you if we think that baby needs us too. So... anyone reading this, if you have kids, just know your kid's teacher has a very good idea of what kind of parent you are. There are all kinds and no particularly right way to parent, but there are wrong ones. And we see you.

Anyway. The 'problem' kids. I love those problem kids. So much. I dread going to work and following them all day, I am tired by the end of the day, I'm frustrated most of the day, but I love those kids. I will get kicked, screamed at, told no, have snot wiped on me numerous times, coughed on, and I'm sick a lot (because kids are germs. They are literally germs), but if that kid is not there one day of the week I am devastated.

I told you. Being a teacher is really complicated. Under all of the exhaustion and frustration, there is a very thick layer of love. You have to love kids to be a teacher. And for those 'problem' kids you have to be able to love them a little more than the 'good'' kids. And that can be hard on some days.

But if you can do it, man you have some best friends for life. I'm telling you, some days I don't know if it's dirt on their noses or smudges from putting their noses so far up my butt. I am kind of a 'problem child specialist.'

I don't know why, but I'm able to pick up on what method to use for the kids relatively quickly. In one of my classes, there is a little boy who is stubborn, and sensitive and has no qualms about getting up and doing whatever he wants. He cries and acts like you're killing him if you make him stand in line, or sit down on the carpet for story time, or make him sit at the table to each. He's very defiant.

I've learned with him that when he is being outright defiant, to gently pick him up and put him where I want him. It usually takes two or three times before he gives up and just cries. I'll let him cry it out, and then we will talk about what was going on. Turns out, he's one of those kids who needs to feel like he has a choice, like he has some kind of power over himself. At home, he doesn't have that. He's going through a really traumatic thing at home, and I think he feels powerless.

So I've learned to give him the options method. "You can do this, or you can do this. Those are your options, which one do you want to do?"

He now is very easy for me to handle, and he loves the hell out of me. He's now one of my hemorrhoid kids.

Another little girl has a similar issue, but with her, I have to destimulate her by removing her from the situation and sitting down with her. I'll let her tantrum it out for a minute and then I'll ask her why she's not being nice to her friends or teachers.

Usually, there are some deep feelings there, though I haven't got her to tell me where they come from. If I let her destimulate, and then casually bring her back into the class while something fun is happening, she can integrate right back in.

She's now one of my hemorrhoid kids too.

I have a whole fan club, and you can see me usually walking with a group of troubled kids, them behaving or arguing over who gets to be next to me.

I wonder if this is what it's like to be famous. Just a bunch of loud, fussing, idolizing chibi-folk swarming you at all times? I don't know if I'd ever want to be famous if that's the case. I have enough time fending off affection from tiny humans, I don't know how I would fair with regular-sized ones.

I can get these defiant, stubborn, crying children to behave. I honestly feel like I'm seducing them with my charms, since all I'm doing is talking to them in a gentle tone, and saying things that make them feel good. And I can't help but wonder sometimes? Why can't I get this magic trick to work with my own damn kids? Why, oh WHY, am I so good with other people's kids, but my kids walk all over me like demons?

It's not fair. And yes I know that my 5-year-old says that, and I sound very much like her right now but it's true. I can make children who make most teachers want to pull out their hair and gouge out their eyes into my loyal devoted little minion with a snap of a finger, but my own hell spawn? Oh no ma'am. I have to sic their DAD on them.

Which brings me to another point? Why do they respect dad so much when I am the one who punishes them when they are bad? How come all he has to do is talk in a stern voice and they immediately rush to be the obedient children, but I could beat them and the STILL act like children of the freaking corn? I'm telling you right now, nothing makes me saltier.

And yet, even though they refuse to obey, my girls are still up my butt. I hear the word "mommy" literally every 15 to 30 seconds people. Ya'll don't love me or respect me so WHAT DO YOU WANT? Literally, my daughters cannot go five minutes without coming to 'check' on me if they can't see me while they are at home. If I happen to be sitting on the lounge, they are so close to me they are practically trying to crawl back inside, if you know what I mean.

My fiance will come in and see the kids and ask what's going on, and my response will always be:

"Oh, It's just my hemorrhoid."

Thanks for reading everyone! I hope you enjoyed the article and it made you laugh a little!