I Need Some Fucking Answers
I swear, I’m not being crude. Every word I say is necessary.
This story was originally posted on Medium.
**************
I need some fucking answers. No, I am not being crude. I need answers. Fucking answers.
The word fuck. How did it become so versatile when all other curse words remained stagnant?
Fuck. Fucking. Fucker. Fucked. Fuckall. They even all have a parent. Motherfucker.
I’m most intrigued by the past tense of fuck. Fucked. Works like any other word really. But let’s take a look at shit. How about when you shit the other day? You didn’t say you shitted. It’s actually shat.
Now, why doesn’t fuck work like that?
Shit to shat. Fuck to fucked.
I rather like the shit to shat. But how did that come about?
My guess is, you take the vowels in the alphabet. There are 5. And don’t start with me Y. With this “sometimes Y” bullshit! You are not a vowel. You are a consonant masquerading as if you moonlight as a vowel. You don’t do any job that I or E or I and E combined can’t do. Stick to your work as a consonant. And don’t let us see you round these vowel parts again!
Now, where was I? Oh yeah. There are 5 vowels. A, E, I, O, U. In that order.
Shit. Present tense. I will take a shit. That uses the third vowel, I.
Shat. Past tense. Yesterday I shat at work and it took up my whole lunch break. That’s a weirdly specific example. Who sent this example in? This uses the first vowel, A.
So, to go from present tense to past tense, you bounce back two vowels.
Why can’t the same work for fuck?
Today you fuck. Yesterday you fucked? No. Yesterday you fick.
I got totally fick at work yesterday when my boss made me work late. He is a bastard. He always has been. He was born a bostard.
(Yes, in order to go past tense, the vowels stay in order and you wrap around the progression like it is a circle. This is a new rule I am instituting for all the curse words.)
I don’t want to bitch about it. I batch about it all day yesterday. But I did get fick at work. Maybe it’s because I shat away my whole lunch break.
Okay, but I have another goddamn question. Yes, about goddamn. Do you say goddamn or goddamned? Because I have seen both and I don’t know which is more accurate. Are they both right? Goddamned sounds more descriptive in nature, right? Or… is it past tense?
I can’t allow that. Past tense of goddamn must be… geddomn!
Geddomn.
Geddomn?
Sounds like a nice name for a young French boy to me. I like it. I might even steal it for myself. Change my name. It’s got a nice ring to it.
Anyway, I only have one more fucking question.
If you do indeed hire me, I will need you to match my pay from my current job, but also I will need you to grant me more than just one lunch break. I will need at least two a day. Half hour each. Can you do that?
I hope so.
Thank you for taking the time to look over my application. I am qualified, I am hardworking, I am a goddamn steal of a hire.
Sincerely,
Geddomn Kramer Avitabile
**************
If you enjoyed this story and want to read more of my work, then please come check out my website where I post all my latest work, plus you can even subscribe for updates!
About the Creator
Stephen Kramer Avitabile
I'm a creative writer in the way that I write. I hold the pen in this unique and creative way you've never seen. The content which I write... well, it's still to be determined if that's any good.
Keep reading
More stories from Stephen Kramer Avitabile and writers in Humor and other communities.
Problems Buying Alcohol
I had just been to the store and bought myself some bourbon and a decently priced bottle of wine along with some groceries a day ago. The wine was good so I decided I needed more. I felt stupid for not having bought two bottles to begin with… but I was already buying a bottle of wine and a bottle of bourbon and sometimes it’s a problem when I buy “too much” alcohol at once. A stupid problem. A problem I am partially to blame for. But a problem nonetheless. I'll explain what exactly the problem is momentarily.
By Stephen Kramer Avitabile9 months ago in Humor
The Breastfeeding Controversy
As I walked into the house, I was met with a scene that made my heart race. Our 22-year-old house help, who had been with us for a few months, was sitting on the couch with our 4-month-old baby in her arms. What caught my attention was that she had her breast out, and the baby was latched onto it, sucking contentedly. I was taken aback, feeling a mix of shock, anger, and fear.
By Emmanuel Ojenike4 days ago in Humor
One Minute to Noon
“OK, guys!” I screech over the macaw-like chatter in my sophomore English class. My students are sharing mementos they accumulated during summer vacation. The assignment is to interview each other and write an expository essay about another student’s treasure: Misty’s coquina shells and sand dollars from Florida, Ruth’s two Navajo pottery mugs from New Mexico, Roxy’s perfume from Paris, Kevin’s chocolate from Hershey Pennsylvania, a picador’s sword from a bullfight in San Fermin Spain, where one of my favorite students, Manny Pérez, ran with the bulls at festival.
By Lacy Loar-Gruenler7 days ago in Fiction
Comments (28)
You totally fucked it up.... LOL, Loved it.
Fuck is an awesome word.
Lol That is all I have to say
This cracked me up! Love the versatility of swearing in English. It just so damn expressive
Oh, I love this! It's humor in the confusion of words, and now I'm confuddled!
Super
Btw, fuck is still my fave cuz it has many meanings Wtf Fuck you That motherfucker You fucked up I’m gonna fuck u up I wanna fuck my bae Oh fuck, did u see that Why the fuckery I can go on
No such thing as a nice ring when you spend your (w)hole lunch break shitting! 🤣🤣🤣
I say, “took a shit”. Nobody i know says shat.
I feel like I've heard the versatily of the word fuck from standup comedians before, but the past tense of shit is a good new take you've discovered.. Why the "A"? Yeah, why isn't it "I shitted on the garden sculpture". Its not... I hit the baseball, I hat the baseball. I kack the football. Thanks for having us take a new look at past tense curse words.
Thank you for making me laugh. Also, there are some good points in there. I will forever question English.
Very well written with a humor that feels dry and very crude… love it! Lol
Love it hahahah. Language is sooooo weird 🤣 awesome new name too!
This is such a fun piece!!
This is so brilliant in so many ways. Thank you for making my mouth sore with grins and laughs! Congrats on Top Story!
Lol!! This is hilarious!! Cheers from a fellow grammar nerd
Reminds me of an anecdote I read in my Sociology of Disasters class: The subject was how pilots did not respect the opinions of flight engineers (there used to be a third person in commercial airline cockpits). One researcher interviewed a flight engineer who said he was his captain’s romantic advisor. The researcher asks for clarification. The flight engineer responds, “He’s always telling me: ‘If I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.’”
Hillarious! Loved it! Loved anuthing that fucks with the nonsensicality of language TBF ;) Congrats on top story! 🤍
I goddamn fucking love this better then shit story so much! Thank you for the great read! Wonderful!
Still laughing.....thank you.....
Very funny and creative 😂❤️
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I liegh so much for this! It was hilarious! I lave this so much!
"Shat. Past tense. Yesterday I shat at work and it took up my whole lunch break. That’s a weirdly specific example. Who sent this example in? This uses the first vowel, A." 😅 I enjoyed your corrective rant, Stephen! And I'm with you. Start a petition!!! lol.
Lol I literally spit out my coffee at this one. “I don’t want to bitch about it. I batch about it all day yesterday.” and “Geddomn Kramer Avitabile” Stephen!! I love this. I reread it to make sure I didn’t miss anything. What a great laugh to end the day with. Thank you.
Well, frell it, this dren is funny ;) :D