I Need Some Fucking Answers

This story was originally posted on Medium.

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I need some fucking answers. No, I am not being crude. I need answers. Fucking answers.

The word fuck. How did it become so versatile when all other curse words remained stagnant?

Fuck. Fucking. Fucker. Fucked. Fuckall. They even all have a parent. Motherfucker.

I’m most intrigued by the past tense of fuck. Fucked. Works like any other word really. But let’s take a look at shit. How about when you shit the other day? You didn’t say you shitted. It’s actually shat.

Now, why doesn’t fuck work like that?

Shit to shat. Fuck to fucked.

I rather like the shit to shat. But how did that come about?

My guess is, you take the vowels in the alphabet. There are 5. And don’t start with me Y. With this “sometimes Y” bullshit! You are not a vowel. You are a consonant masquerading as if you moonlight as a vowel. You don’t do any job that I or E or I and E combined can’t do. Stick to your work as a consonant. And don’t let us see you round these vowel parts again!

Now, where was I? Oh yeah. There are 5 vowels. A, E, I, O, U. In that order.

Shit. Present tense. I will take a shit. That uses the third vowel, I.

Shat. Past tense. Yesterday I shat at work and it took up my whole lunch break. That’s a weirdly specific example. Who sent this example in? This uses the first vowel, A.

So, to go from present tense to past tense, you bounce back two vowels.

Why can’t the same work for fuck?

Today you fuck. Yesterday you fucked? No. Yesterday you fick.

I got totally fick at work yesterday when my boss made me work late. He is a bastard. He always has been. He was born a bostard.

(Yes, in order to go past tense, the vowels stay in order and you wrap around the progression like it is a circle. This is a new rule I am instituting for all the curse words.)

I don’t want to bitch about it. I batch about it all day yesterday. But I did get fick at work. Maybe it’s because I shat away my whole lunch break.

Okay, but I have another goddamn question. Yes, about goddamn. Do you say goddamn or goddamned? Because I have seen both and I don’t know which is more accurate. Are they both right? Goddamned sounds more descriptive in nature, right? Or… is it past tense?

I can’t allow that. Past tense of goddamn must be… geddomn!

Geddomn.

Geddomn?

Sounds like a nice name for a young French boy to me. I like it. I might even steal it for myself. Change my name. It’s got a nice ring to it.

Anyway, I only have one more fucking question.

If you do indeed hire me, I will need you to match my pay from my current job, but also I will need you to grant me more than just one lunch break. I will need at least two a day. Half hour each. Can you do that?

I hope so.

Thank you for taking the time to look over my application. I am qualified, I am hardworking, I am a goddamn steal of a hire.

Sincerely,

Geddomn Kramer Avitabile

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