I'm ok but my heart is numb

I’m fine but my heart is numb.

Sometimes I ask God if He forgot about me.  I want to grow old with someone and experience everything love encompasses – I’ve missed out on the first half of my life with a partnership, and I ache to feel supported and loved.  I want to laugh until my belly hurts, kiss like tomorrow will never come, dance in the kitchen, and watch the sun rise and set.

I’m fine but my heart is numb.

I wonder what it would feel like to have my heart full – does anyone truly know?  Is it just a mindset, a choice?  I’ve made that choice time and again and yet here I am alone.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel sorry for myself – everything happens for a reason, I take responsibility for the choices I’ve made, but I am tired.

Love feels like a metaphor, like a job and my interview always goes well, but my job longevity always fails – the common denominator must be me.  Grand things don’t impress me much.  I love a good country song, and all the money in the world isn’t worthwhile.  I’m satisfied sitting by a fire drinking a glass of wine, and knowing I’m loved by a man who chooses me.  A love I can feel walking into a room with a hundred beautiful women, but his energy is mine.

I’m fine but my heart is numb.

The moon was beautiful last night, I wish you could have seen it with me.  I have high hopes but starting over SUCKS!  The more I search the less I find.

The truth is, I found him, but he is gone now.  It was a wild ride with many ups and downs – most days were an emotional roller coaster, often not knowing how each day would unfold.  I needed time to grow our love, time to heal together, and time to know him but he was hard, fast, and gone.

He sang in the kitchen, he hugged me like I was his first love, and he made me laugh like no one else.  He annoyed me many days, and he made me mad many days, but I loved him every day – that was a choice.

I could envision a future with him and that was a foreign feeling for me – it was like a compass leading me back home, or maybe it was just a cruel joke.

I’m sad for the mountain trips we won’t have, I’m sad for the morning coffees we won’t drink together – I’m sad for the silly laughs in bed, and I’m sad for what could have been.  He was my person, but maybe I was not his.

I’m fine but my heart is numb.

He wasn’t perfect but that is what I loved most – I cherished his bruised heart and loved that he trusted me with his pain.  He is gone like a stranger in the night like we never existed.  He left me wondering if he ever cared, his silence would tell me no.  We were friends first but being cut off is something I would never do to a friend – it’s cruel. 

My life was flawed, it was evolving, and it was real.  Now that I write these words, it comes from my perspective – perhaps he is fighting his demons and wars, and my hurt is insignificant to his pain.  I am being selfish.  I am coping the best way I know how – channeling my feelings into writing and moving on.  I know he is a good man; no one will ever convince me otherwise.  Maybe he was the soulmate I was looking for, but we mirrored each other’s trauma – unhealed hearts trying to love each other.

I’m fine but my heart is numb.

Maybe I’ve been putting my heart into lay-away hoping he would knock at my door again.  JESUS, I need to move on!  Life is a blessing, and I am pouring my heart into this writing.  Empty words – DON’T FALL IN LOVE!

I had a parachute after a lifetime of learning to fly while I was still building my plane.  I had arms I could finally fall into and feel safe after years of not.

I wish we had taken things slower from the beginning, but he had one speed, and that was FAST!  My gut told me we would crash and burn at that speed, but my heart said JUMP – I trusted his word because his actions matched.  I’ve tip-toed through life and his sweetness made me feel like the luckiest girl on the planet.  From the moment I first met him, I knew, I just knew.  But I went on living because it was impossible.

I’m ok but my heart is numb.

I was looking forward to summer with you.  Summer concerts, backyard parties, waking up next to you in a tent, and sharing moments as we age.  I’m not meant for love.

I chose a select few in my circle, I don’t want to date, I want my person and I thought it was you.

I’m really ok but my heart is numb.