Emotional vomit

Emotional vomit

The healthy way of recreating the turmoil going on in my heart, my stomach, my throat, and my head.  No one, except these words written, will ever know the exacerbated exhale I will make when my heart emotionally vomits the sadness and anger I feel today.  I will not burden my family, friends, or even my fury pup with the pain I have lingering in the pit of my stomach.  I will purge these emotions today so tomorrow I can move on, release, and be the strong, independent, fighter that I am. 

Here goes…

I preface by saying, that I am an adult, making my own choices, taking chances, and understanding in full capacity that I am responsible for my actions – and my thoughts that create my reality.

FUCK!!!!!!

I’ve had enough! Let me repeat this, I’VE HAD ENOUGH!  Even writing these words I carry guilt when so many individuals face FAR WORSE pain and suffering.  I can only attest to mine and for the first time in my life, I am owning that!

Let’s start with the fact that I was a shitty wife.  I gave ALL my attention to my children and did not have the emotional maturity to understand how to be a wife.  I thought cleaning the home, having dinner ready, and taking care of our children showed my level of commitment and love.  I was wrong.  What I received from him was not deserved or acceptable by any means, the hellish backlash that was projected at me and my children, I wouldn’t wish on anyone.   I take accountability for not showing the affection I should have and making him a priority – he turned to others.  The pain of betrayal and abandonment has followed me like a ghost chained to my ear saying, “You are unlovable, you are a waste of life, and you will never succeed in life.”  As horrendous as these words are, and they are when you hear them repeatedly for years, I used them as fuel to empower myself, but they were always a faint whisper in my ear.

Taking control but not allowing another man to break down the fortress of protection I built around myself – I came close though.  I turned into a machine raising three children alone.  I was not perfect, but I was present. I was nurturing, and my purpose became defined by three souls depending on me.  I would take two steps forward and five steps backward, BUT I also took steps forward!  I rose to the occasion, and for that, I am extremely proud.  Do I have regrets?  Yes, I have some – the wasted nights crying myself to sleep over the family loss, the wasted energy of trying to understand why I wasn’t enough.  I WAS ENOUGH! 

You won’t find a more loyal person than me, or generous and giving, but man, I can be unforgiving to the one that hurt me.  Fast forward to Karma.  In my life, Karma became my thoughts boomeranging back to me – not the other person’s actions.  If I carried that hate in the deepest parts of my soul – bad luck and obstacles surrounded me. 

Self-reflection and isolation became my solitude and peace.  I went on a mission to help others – exhausting myself daily.   All of this is admirable, but I was not nurturing myself, healing from my trauma, or practicing forgiveness as I preached.

Judgment-free zone, I have a million attributes, but that is not what this writing is about – it’s about release.  My marriage ended a long time ago, but the jealousy, hurt, abandonment, betrayal, and anger have never left – and for that, I needed to have a come to Jesus’ moment to comprehend.  I’ve only had a few relationships after my marriage, but this last one shook me to the core.  I needed that.  His words regarding my trauma felt intrusive, wrong, and hypocritical.  You see, I put those feelings away in a locked box – no one needed to know, but something happened.

His trauma triggered mine.

He left, and I was ok. I felt a weight lifted, and I could take a deep breath finally.  It wasn’t until the weeks later that I felt the hole from his absence.  When you find someone who makes you feel at home, stirs up the emotional baggage you buried, requires you to do uncomfortable things, and holds you accountable – do the work to make it work.  He came out of nowhere. He brought me to tears with laughter, and he made me want to crawl into his skin because I felt safe for the first time in my life.  

I started to focus on my hurt. My ego did not allow me to have respect for his choice, until now.  I was selfish because at my age I felt like I had been through enough and when was I going to have someone who fought for me, chose me, and adored me?  Life doesn’t work that way.  We all have different paths, purposes, and reasons for our life.  I understand that now – he deserves to be respected for his decision.  I knew what I was getting into from the beginning, and I am at peace with all of it. 

I am always evolving, learning, and being grateful for my journey.  My reason for existing has always been my children but now my focus has changed to me.  We all deserve love and that isn’t selfish.  I am doing the work every day to be a better person, forgive myself, and move forward.  I hope one day I can be open enough to have a lasting relationship that requires me to grow as a person – time will tell.

Life is a shit show, it is short, complicated, tragic, and painful BUT it is also a miraculous ride when we decide to have faith and allow goodness in.  Today I feel forgiveness.  Today I feel lighter.  Today is not guaranteed, and I will not waste energy missing anyone – I will send them positive vibes.

Emotional vomit…

Writing has been an amazing platform to be productive and release feelings deep inside – I am grateful.  I am excited to see what today holds, excited for new opportunities, and excited to give all aspects of myself to another person.  You see, purging helps!  Someone once said to me, “You need to go through it to get over it.”  He was right!  I don’t need to live there anymore.

Emotional release…