Food

Usually, when I cook tea and somebody asks me what we are having, I tell them what it is. But...no!

Some people in our house decide to wind everyone up by keeping everyone guessing.

"What's for tea Jon?" I ask while sniffing all the delicious foodie smells in the air. I can smell the mouth-watering aroma of meat and tomato, so I at least know there are two ingredients involved.

Jon gives me a mischievous grin, and replies, "Food!"

"Well duh! Of course, you're cooking food. I can smell it!"

I sigh and roll my eyes.

This could turn into a never-ending battle.

I leave it for ten minutes before I check again,

"That smells good, but come on Jon, what are we having for tea?"

"I told you!" he replies. "Food!"

I stamp my foot on the floor, and reply with,

"Yeah, but what food?"

The terrible smell of garlic suddenly hits my nose.

I HATE THAT STUFF!

I screw up my face, and cover my nose with my arm, as I try to stop the horrible, foul, smelly stuff from gaining access to my nostrils.

"Yuk! you put garlic in it?" I complain.

Jon shakes his head, laughing.

"It's not garlic, it's shoe salt!" he tells me.

"Shoe salt?" I ask.

"Yeah, this is our daughter's tea. She wanted me to add her cheesy trainers, aka shoe salt. She said it adds to the flavor!" Jon explains.

I shake my head. I know it's garlic. He does this every time; winds me up over food.

At least I know it's not my tea!

I argue with my mind; I know asking him again will only get the same reply. My daughter suddenly walks in and asks,

"Is my shoe pasta ready yet?"

"Shoe pasta!" I exclaim.

"It's just pasta with garlic, mum," my daughter explains.

I want to vomit. I run to the toilet just in case, but apart from gipping over the bowl, I am fine.

I head back to the kitchen, and I ask my husband

"What's for tea, Jon?"

He gives me a wicked grin.

"I only want to know we're not eating stinky, cheesy, shoe pasta! What's for fucking tea, Jon?" I ask, laughing at him now.

He says,

"Food!"

My daughter finishes her food, and says,

"Thanks for the shoe pasta, Dad. Right, I'm going to brush my teeth a million times before my boyfriend takes me out. I wouldn't want to kiss him with shoe breath. See ya!"

She brushes her teeth, then heads out of the door.

Jon turns the cooker off, leaving me even more frustrated. I decide to try the question again.

"What's for tea, Jon?" I ask.

"Get ready, we're going out tonight!" he tells me in a chirpy voice.

"Really?" I ask.

We haven't been out in over a year because Jon is always working. It seems weird that he wants to take me out tonight.

"Yes really!" he confirms.

I spend about an hour getting changed and doing my make-up. If I was going out tonight, I was going to make it worth it.

I head back downstairs, and since we are going out, I think that I might get a sensible reply out of him.

"What's for tea, Jon?" I ask.

"Fucking food!" he replies.

"Grab your bag. It's going to be buzzing!"

We pull up outside a fancy restaurant that looks expensive. It windows are covered in twinkling lights, though there is no name on the door. The inside is covered in rich red velvet chairs with matching tables.

"What's for tea, Jon?" I ask once we are seated.

"Food! Fucking food! Bring it on!" he replies.

I decide to just sit, wait, and tuck in.

Tonight, I am sick of the sight and the fucking word of food!