Dear Sir or Madam, Kindly Shove Your Artwork Up Your Ass

A Danish artist who was given a pile of cash by a museum in northern Denmark to create a piece for its exhibition on labor conditions two years ago submitted two empty canvases — titled “Take the Money and Run.” The exhibit caused a stir. (AP News, September 27, 2023)

Dear Sir or Madam,

I’ve just received your email asking me for feedback on your exhibition. I'm happy to oblige: shove your lousy artwork up your ass.

We visited your museum on the final day of our holiday. That's me, my wife, Thelma, and our teenage daughter, Tallulah. We paid good money to see top-quality art by renowned international artists.

Boy, were we disappointed!

I'm saying nothing about the blank canvases of the ‘Labor Conditions Exhibition,’ except that one of them wasn’t completely blank when we saw it. Some joker had drawn a dick and balls in the bottom corner of canvas number one.

I told Tallulah it was a picture of Elon Musk’s SpaceX rocket with side boosters, but she wasn’t fooled. She had a big smirk on her face I didn’t like. Kids, right?

She knows what a real one looks like, you see. She’s even got a photo of one on her bedroom wall.

Souvenir of our trip to the Kennedy Space Station a couple of years ago.

Blank Canvas Man

Here’s what bugs me. No one told us Blank Canvas Man had other works displayed in the museum. We’d have gone to the Upside-Down Building down the street if we'd known. That was Thelma’s first choice, but I talked her out of it.

'Remember Orlando,' I told her. We visited the Upside-Down Building there the same year we saw the space station. It triggered Thelma's vertigo. She didn't know if she was upside down or the right way up for three days and was firing out of both ends that whole time.

Hidden Agenda

Not knowing about Blank Canvas Man meant we were ambushed by his ‘Hidden Agenda’ piece. A sculpture in bronze, the leaflet said, articulating the artist’s view of climate change as the catalyst for global reconstruction.

It was covered with a big cotton dust sheet. We asked an assistant to remove this, but he said no. He said the dust sheet was an integral part of the work. Hidden agenda, see? What a bunch of crap!

I got down on one knee and looked under the sheet while the assistant was serving up the same BS to other visitors. I saw an old upright piano with something on top of it.

I think it was a traffic cone. Or maybe a garden gnome. There was definitely a pointy bit at the top, but it was dark under there. Also, my right knee was starting to hurt. (I’m on the list for surgery but don't get me started on that.)

Reflections

Things got worse. ‘Reflections on Unconventional Lifestyles’ consisted of several black and white photographs of deserted dirt tracks in unspecified locations.

Thelma thought maybe Arizona because of the saguaros. That’s if they were saguaros. One cactus looks like another to me, but Thelma said no, look at the white flower.

I said OK, Thelma, I can see a white flower, what I can’t see is any reflection on an unconventional lifestyle. I'd settle for a reflection on any kind of lifestyle, I said. Hell, Thelma, I said, if you offered me a reflection in a shop window right about now, I'd take it and be thankful!

Star Trek

The so-called exhibition on extraterrestrial life promised ‘to promote discussion, stimulate ideas, and push the envelope on our thinking about the cosmos.’

What we got was a television in the centre of the room showing a thirty-second clip of Star Trek on a loop.

I like Star Trek as much as the next man. I grew up watching Shatner, Nimoy, and that Scotch guy whose name escapes me. 'Ye cannae change the laws of physics!' That guy.

Star Trek is not the point here. The point is that discussion was not promoted. Thoughts were not stimulated. Envelopes were not pushed.

Refund

The whole museum experience was underwhelming. Tallulah lost interest immediately and kept asking if she could go back and look at the SpaceX rocket doodle again. Thelma said no. I think she’d spotted the smirk, too.

We want a full refund of our ticket money. Also, our daughter bought a book in the gift shop featuring photos of classical statues. There are dicks and balls on every page. We want a refund for that, too, please.

Oh, and your toilets are a disgrace, but I’ll save that one for the TripAdvisor review.

Yours,

Ralph Heckenhauer Jr.