Apologies for the Killing and Persecution and Whatnot

Dear Science,

Hello old friend. Speaking of old, how old are you now, like 500 years or something? I know that feels old, but trust me, it's nothing, wait until you hit 10,000 or even 50,000 years like me. That's when the old bones start creaking for sure. How have you been? I know it has been a while since we last talked, but I wanted to write you now to apologize for several incidents in the past that I may have been at least partly, if not totally responsible for. Unfortunately at least one of these incidents resulted in the death of a fairly solid fellow by the name of Hypatia of Alexandria. You may not remember since it was a bit before your time, but he was was killed by a Christian mob way back in 415. I took the blame for it even though it may have been politics that was more responsible than myself. Also, he wasn't technically a scientist but rather a philosopher and mathematician so probably I don't need to apologize to you, but I am doing it in any case because I no longer have contact info for either math or philosophy. I had your address in my old Iphone address book for some reason and figured you were close enough and could accept my apology on their behalf. Please pass the message along the next time you speak to either of them. You are still friends with them right? As I recall you were always really close with math though you and philosophy had quite a number of altercations over the years though nothing like all the crazy fights we've had, am I right?

Anyhow I also wanted to apologize for the Roman Inquisition and what they did to your man Galileo Galilei. It was really not right that they found him “vehemently suspect of heresy” for supporting the Copernican heliocentric theory (Earth revolves around the sun). They never should have forced him to recant his findings, or ban his books or made him spend the final years of his life under house arrest. In my defense it really was heretical at the time to think that the sun was the center of the universe as I had been saying forever that it was the earth so, even though I was wrong, he really he got what he deserved. While I am on the topic of the Roman Inquisition I may as well apologize for another one of your guys Giordano Bruno. Not sure if you remember him but he was also a philosopher and mathematician like Hypatia (see above). What is the deal with philosopher/mathematicians and heresy? You would think they would be too busy solving equations and pontificating on the meaning of life to have the time to commit blasphemy. In any case Giordano (not the pizza guy) was even crazier than Copernicus back in the day and suggested the universe was infinite and contained many inhabited worlds. Obviously back then I was not a huge fan of those ideas and unfortunately because of my position on the matter he was tried for heresy and burned at the stake. Ouch. Sorry about that.

I suppose I may as well just go ahead and apologize about Nicolaus Copernicus while I am at it. In this case I was not responsible for his death which was of natural causes and happened shortly after his work De Revolutionibus Orbium Coelestium was published. That book directly challenged my descriptions of the cosmos and the Church banned it in 1616. I am fairly certain he would have been killed in my name if he had not died which is why I am apologizing even though I technically did nothing wrong in this instance. Nothing, other than the minor issue of the book banning, but really compared to some of the other shit I did, that is really a very minor thing.

Lastly I wanted to say how truly sorry I am about what has happened in more recent times with many of my supporters opposing your findings in evolutionary biology and geology. They favor literal interpretations of the Bible over scientific consensus and thus slightly disagree with you about the age of the earth and the evolution of humans. They have also been a real pain in the rear on stem cell research and some have even called into question the germ theory of disease, and even oppose modern medical treatments like vaccinations in favor of prayer. Can't tell you how upset I am about that last one. Even I realize that while you can pray the gay away, you can't pray the Herpes away. I mean that is just crazy talk.

OK buddy, was great talking to you. I am going to just go ahead and assume you accept my apologies and say thanks and let's not let another 1000 years go by before we talk again. And, let's actually talk instead of just shooting at each other and/or bombing each other like we normally do when we get together.

Sincerely,

Your old pal,

Religion

Author's postscript: Thank you to reader Sasha Desideri for pointing out in a comment post publication that Hypatia of Alexander was actually a woman. See my reply to her comment below for more of my mea culpa on this really stupid error on my part. And that is fucking crazy isn't it? A woman? At that time? A philosopher and mathematician no less. Awesome. I mean not awesome that she was killed, but still awesome.