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About Your Biometric Data

From the Office of Sir Edward Bicycle

By Ian VincePublished 4 months ago 4 min read
The 810m37r1c(5) Biometric form

The British National Department of Social Scrutiny (DoSS) have released two new infoganda leaflets this afternoon with regards to the ongoing crisis which is completely under control.

The first is a guide to the new Peril Level Alert Service which will take over from – and offer perspective and precision over – the previous system, in which the UK had been in Code Orange Ocelot [COO] for the last 25 years.

Seeking to refine and reformulate COO, the new Peril Level Alert Service gives further detail and examples of specific threats, all of which are going rather swimmingly. Nothing to worry about. Really. No, Wait!

Never mind… scrap that. Everything is fine, carry on.

Part of the British National Department of Social Scrutiny’s response to the unfolding new normal — where everything continues to remain completely under control — is to issue information on protecting your biometric data.

You carry your biometric data around with you all the time, which is why it is essential that you must look after it at all times. To lessen your risk of identity thieves stealing biometric markers, such as thumb prints, eyeballs, your face or the mass spectrometry of your general odour, it is recommended you keep these at home.

Further advice is contained within the leaflet stapled to this web page.

> Stay alert to theft of your biometric data <

Why should I be very scared?

Keeping your personal data, including your biometric information, secure is one of the greatest challenges of our times and the Identity Card Unit (the ICU) of the Department of Social Scrutiny (DoSS) values your personal information above everything else.

For example; every day in the UK thousands of people carelessly leave their biometric data all over the place, willy-nilly. A microscopic bolus of phlegm arcing in the evening light here, an uncontrollable spontaneous ejaculation in a supermarket there, it happens all the time. It’s unavoidable that, eventually, your biometric profile will fall into the hands of an opportunistic malcontent. A villain with a multi-million pound genetics laboratory at his disposal who will then be able to re-create an evil version of you that will rob banks and generally get up to no good in your name.

There’s a very real outside possibility that scientists may one day perhaps discover that this won’t be laughably implausible five thousand years in the future. And that’s very real concern.

Which is why the Government must introduce Identity Cards, collect swabs of your spittle, scan your irises and generally oppress you In a very matter-of-fact way.

So look after your biometrics: Give them to us. We know what to do with them.

Information that the Department of Social Scrutiny collects about you is held securely in a compound guarded by tigers, which are all trained to British Standards BS 4444Gh!, with a further Grade 1 Competence in Mauling People.

The perimeter of the tiger compound is further guarded by a man in a Portakabin in a fancy-dress police uniform. He exhibits a deep inferiority complex and a very real hunger for power.

Further advice to business from MI5

Our colleagues at MI5 have asked us to pass on some advice to businesses during COPSA - the current Code Orange Panther Security Alert. In keeping with the aims of joined-up Government, we have typed up Memo 18654(a) which we received earlier today from MI5 at the foot of the Chief of Staff's domestic shopping list. For your convenience, we have deleted the words ‘Eggs’ and ‘Yoghurt’ from the current draft, until such time as they become important to National Security


Employees with beards are rated by MI5 as Class Alpha Security Threats. Proceed with caution when dealing with Class Alpha Security Threats at all times. If they are not members of some kind of Al Qaeda cell, they are liberals, folk musicians or troublemakers of some other kind. Or Jeremy Corbell.

Perimeter Security.

Institute a Zero-Tolerance Perimeter Breach De-facilitating Initiative. Place notices at all points of entry expressly forbidding all terrorists to enter the building. Underline the notice with the phrase "This applies to you!"

Stay Vigilant.

Pay close attention to employees who speak with a funny accent or insist on holding fluffy Persian cats while they are talking. Eye patches, balaclavas and unidentifiable military uniform worn at work should also arouse suspicion.


Employees who arrive for work in unmarked military helicopters or commute from a secret island in the Pacific Ocean should be regarded with utmost wariness.


Employ someone who is adept at navigating the workplace via air conditioning ducts and conveniently-placed grills. Train them in the use of sub-machine guns and ground-based rocket launchers. Ensure that they have access to plenty of blueprints of your building and a supply of slightly-torn string vests. Encourage hirsuteness.


About the Creator

Ian Vince

Erstwhile non-fiction author, ghost & freelance writer for others, finally submitting work that floats my own boat, does my own thing. I'll deal with it if you can.

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Comments (1)

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  • Kelly Sibley 4 months ago

    That was funny, especially the 'give it to us, we know what we're doing'. This really appealed to my dark humour. Very well done.

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