9 New Meds to Help Straight Guys Become…

If I’m honest, I’ll admit that no one enjoys pharmaceuticals more than this guy. Mostly because big pharma keeps me pretty with a little tox here and a little fill there and you can’t put a price on that.

But historically, everyone knows pharmaceutical and health insurance companies have been less supportive of straight guys.

Sure, Viagra was covered before mammograms. And women are still expected to be the responsible party when it comes to birth control. But let’s be honest, do you really want to listen to straight guys whine about the side effects that often accompany the pill, IUDs, and the ring?

“Ow my head hurts!” or “My breasts are sore!” or “Is that blood in my jock?Ewwww!”

Can you imagine? They would never get anything done.

That’s why the fact that big pharma is finally turning its watchful eye to the straight guy community is so refreshing.

And while the overmedication of America is a thing, I can’t help but wonder if some of the new drugs on the horizon developed to help straight guys with the transition from King of the Jungle to just another subcategory of human, like the rest of us, aren’t just what the doctor ordered.

Although a friend commented recently that she thought it was “just terrible what’s happening to straight men. They are being beaten up and I don’t like to see anyone beaten up.”

“Me neither!” I responded. “I had no idea straight men were being beaten up. In the queer community, we experience being beaten, bloodied, bullied, and bashed all the time. That is terrible.”

She said that’s not what she meant by “beaten up.”

Hmmm. That’s a thinker. I guess being “beaten up” means something different in the straight community. I’ll have to look it up.

In the meantime, I think we can all agree that it is a stressful time for straight men so thank heavens for these new ball-busting…

Darn it. I did it again.

Groundbreaking. I meant to say thank heavens for these new groundbreaking medications.

Yatruxtatal: Was developed to help men who drive giant, loud, planet-killing trucks by changing the way their visual receptors process the sight of their own penis making it appear more grand than it actually is thus increasing self-esteem and reducing the need for a Lil’ DickMobile. Unfortunately, the drug doesn’t discriminate so it makes other guys’ dicks look bigger, too. It’s recommended that straight men avoid locker rooms, nude beaches, and skinny dipping. These recommendations do not apply to gay men who are encouraged to take the drug recreationally.

Eyesuphereassole: A treatment for men with the inability to locate a woman’s eyes.

Notafux: This was developed to treat the delusion, often fostered by mothers, that their son is the most charming, handsome, and irresistible man alive, thus rendering him unable to accept the truth that there are indeed women who don’t want to sleep with him.

Notafux-D: Has the same benefits as Notafux but also includes a therapeutic dose of D (commonly known as Dickweed), which helps straight guys accept the fact that lesbians are not just women who haven’t found the right guy to “give it to them.”

GrowHada: A new erectile dysfunction medication that comes in a caplet but also in a trendy, numbing anal option for those frightened latecomers to pegging.

BeMoLonga: Treats ED and the feelings of insecurity that men experience while obsessing about the size of their penises. Comes in a water-based gel, which is handy.

ImpressaNo: Treats ED, insecurity, and there is a little kick added for men who are terrified of ridicule which, it turns out, is the number one fear of American men. And when you think about it, being made fun of is so much worse than being beaten, raped, or murdered. It’s a lot like a papercut: The ouchy just lingers.

Shutyotrapassole: Formulated to prevent verbal assaults by guys with my-penis-is-too-small road rage. Shutyotrapassole is prescribed as one half of a “safety first” combo along with ImpressaNo. Available in softgels, chewing gum, chaw, and anatomically correct gummies. Yum!

Mysogyno: Originally formulated to treat misogynistic ideation and behaviors in married men, it turns out it is effective in treating the loss of libido that often accompanies being married to them. One step for man, one giant leap forward for wives. Can be administered discreetly by way of meatloaf or chili spice packets and water-soluble, flavored powders. The beer and whiskey flavors are flying off the shelves.

Not sure where and to whom straight guys should direct their gratitude but on behalf of the rest of us, I’ll just say that drug use never looked so good!

Disclaimer: No straight men were harmed during the writing of this article. It is meant to entertain and should by no means be taken seriously.

Just think of it as locker room talk.