You Can’t Change or Correct Other People, So Learn to Listen To Them

It is very likely that at some point in your life you will have to deal with the fact that a loved one annoys you. Most likely, this is because they have been drawn into a pattern of destructive behavior. And it complicates the lives of both them and all their relatives. Can you imagine how you would deal with a similar situation?

How will it affect you? You may start to avoid it. And when this is impossible, you will try to get out of any conversation that a given person will try to have with you. You will begin not to enjoy his company, but to endure it, convincing yourself that he cannot change his behavior.

You should try to understand something: you shouldn't at all and you don't have to try to correct them. These people are your parents, siblings, or partners, not broken cars that need to be repaired.

And the best thing you can do in such a situation is to give them space to breathe deeply and try to make them aware that they need a change.

I realized this from my bitter experience as a result of close communication with my mother. All her life she suffers from chronic anxiety, which she flatly refuses to treat. Her life was full of pessimism, which she considered "realism", and all her habits and patterns of behavior only dragged her deeper into this abyss.

Once, driven to despair, I suggested that she take a moment and use the services of a psychologist or psychotherapist, accompanying these tips with the assurance that this will help her feel better.

Until the end of the day, I will not forget that he answered me - it was too painful for me to hear this: "are you sending me to a therapist? Yes, look at you! Ten years ago you went crazy and, as you were a crazy bipolar, you stayed that way! "

After several conversations that took place as before, I decided that was enough for me. I was simply forced to distance myself from it - at least to keep my health and well-being. In a discussion with her, I avoided any topics other than the most neutral and general ones.

We did not communicate with her about politics, religion, or any other subject that might displease us. And when she began many hours of tiring about how the whole world had clung to her, I limited myself to answers like, "Yes, of course, Mom," or "Well, of course, you're right." -that would be more tactile for me to get rid of the need to listen to all this.

But this protective adaptation mechanism only works for a limited period and every time it works worse and worse. I soon realized that she had completely stopped fitting in on me because I certainly didn't want to see my mother in an almost constant state of emotional stress due to trying to stay in place under the onslaught of a wave of anxiety that To draw near.

But have we already tried all possible approaches… or not? I concluded that I had to do something new, something I had never done before. And instead of trying to fill my mother with unsolicited advice or switch to ignore mode after another unpleasant conversation, I paused.

And I used this time to reflect on how my behavior in the past has influenced this problem and whether it has made it worse. I realized that I had to accept responsibility for my role in this situation.

And I realized that a lot in this situation depended on how I listened to my mother. Specifically, from the fact that I didn't listen to her at all. That's what I needed to understand: listening can give your loved ones exactly the free space they need. To reflect and change those destructive patterns of behavior that affect both their lives and yours.

So can you listen?

Do you consider yourself a good listener? Before, I certainly considered myself as such. Unfortunately, if you are like me, you will likely overestimate your ability to listen to your interlocutor during a conversation.

Take a test. When you re-engage in an unpleasant conversation with a loved one, try to take a closer look. Think about it… When he tells you something, do you pay attention to what he says? Or do you start trying to formulate your answer before the other person finishes another sentence?

If you realize that the latter is true, don't be too strict with yourself. The desire to share your thoughts and suggestions with your loved one, especially if you think they can help you get out of a difficult life situation, is quite natural.

Unfortunately, our worries and concerns are often perceived by them as a direct or veiled insult and interference in their lives, and in such situations, the best (and often the only) way we can help them is to listen to them. carefully.

Here are just a few ways you can help improve your ability to listen (and hear) to those you care about:

1. Recognize and affirm the meaning of what is said

Sometimes a simple nod can become a strong and positive signal of your support for your loved one. The same goes for saying "yes" in time. These seemingly insignificant actions make it clear to the other person that you are paying attention to what he is saying.

And it shows that at least the moment you put his feelings above yours and you will not interrupt him to share your opinion, whatever it may be. In addition, these expressions are noticed by your interlocutor in the "background" mode and do not interrupt his flow of thoughts.

But do not forget that the confirmation of the meaning of the interlocutor you and his opinion is not at all equal to the approval of this opinion. But I have long understood that to recognize and confirm the significance of my mother's opinion, I have absolutely no obligation to agree with her or approve of her behavior.

2. Take a deep breath

Pay attention to how you breathe while communicating with your loved one. When it comes to the answer, if you do not have enough air in your lungs, this can change the tone of your answer and therefore the perception of the interlocutor. Your observation may sound harsher or more impatient than you wanted.

In the past, I have repeatedly drawn attention to the fact that in the middle of a tense conversation with my mother, my breathing often stopped. Since then I have learned to perceive them as a sign that I should calm down a bit, take a deep breath and start paying more attention to the conversation itself and not to my clues.

3. Sometimes the best advice you can give is not to give any advice

I know that it is not so easy to resist the temptation to endow a loved one, full of many problems, with a lot of useful advice and wise instructions. Well, I mean, he needs them, doesn't he? But no.

The danger of unsolicited advice to relatives and friends is that they perceive it as proof that you do not believe in their ability to solve problems on their own. And the more you push their ideas and solutions ready for them, the more often you suggest that these ideas and solutions are the best, which they can believe themselves.

The advice for my mother, given with the best of intentions, but not at the right time, was perceived by her as an attempt to indicate what to do and condemnation of her actions. Her mother perceived them as challenges to her ability and ability to control her own life. And I even told her (though not directly) that I don't believe in her ability to change.

Changes in our behavior can lead to changes in our loved ones. When they know we are on their side and support them, if necessary, they begin to believe in their ability to change, becoming better.