Why me?

It's an everyday battle. The feeling of loneliness, it's an everyday battle. I feel lonely each and every single day, but not a person in the world besides me would know it. I've come to be very good at hiding it. In class I laugh and make jokes, I talk to some "friends" and then I go home. I go home to darkness. I go home to absolutely nothing. No one makes an effort to talk to me outside of school. I'm just there for people to be the "fill in" friend until their actual friend comes back, then i'm just tossed to the side. It's exhausting, I'm exhausted.

Let me start from the beginning. I moved from public to private school last year as a junior. I was struggling very bad in public school and was dealing with extreme depression. I could write an entire book on my experiences in public school and I might do that later. Anyways, we found a small private christian school right down the road and we decided to try it out. I was extremely anxious for this change. There were only 7 total kids in this grade and only 2 of them were girls. They had gone to that school together for 8 years. I felt like I was invading. They weren't going to want to talk to me. They had to be really close, they wouldn't look at an outsider. Along with me being a new kid this year there was another new kid. Lets call him Clay. So the only 2 girls in the grade before that year, lets name them, Lucy and Hannah. As I had already expected, Lucy and Hannah were a pair of the closest friends I had ever seen. It made sense though, they had been together for almost the entirety of each other's lives. I saw this and kept my distance. It was nothing new for me.

After being at that school for no more than a month I felt the tension between Clay and Hannah. It was so very obvious that they had some sort of romantic feelings for each other. Before long they are "Talking." They only reason they never truly dated was because both of their parents wouldn't let them. I didn't understand, they were pretty much dating just without the title. As what normally happens with teenage romance, Hannah started to spend more time with Clay and less time with her best friend Lucy. Hannah and Lucy slowly drift apart and there I am to fill the role of Hannah for Lucy. Lucy and I became extremely close friends Within a few weeks. I thought I had really found my best friend. I had never had a real friend before, and I thought I really had one this time. How stupid could I have been. Towards the end of the year I start to notice Lucy change a little. She talks all the time about how she can't do all of the school activities that we have because she all of a sudden can't afford it. One time in particular she would have only had to pay about $8 to go bowling. She said she couldn't go because she couldn't afford it. Me being the person I am gave her $50 in case we went out to eat or anything. Next thing I see we are in a store and she is buying candles, and asking me which one she should get with "her" money. When I first gave her the money she was very adamant about paying me back. Now at the end of this night she only has some change left and she never spoke of the money again. It wouldn't even be about the money if it wasn't for her constantly buying things for other people and always mentioning paying other people back when all I ever did was buy things for her. If she clearly has the money, then why wouldn't she pay me back? This is when I finally figured out I was being used throughout the entirety of this so called friendship. She didn't want to be friends with me, that was never her plan. She just wanted to use me until Hannah came back to her, and that is exactly what happened.

Over the summer of junior year Hannah and Clay were fighting and they break off their relationship. Sure enough Hannah goes right back to Lucy and I am completely left behind. Now in present day they are making plans together right in front of me. Just last week they made plans with another girl and her grandma paid for all of them to get their nails done together. They made an effort to show me and talk all about it right in front of me. I just sit there with a blank stare and nod my head. They whisper in front of me and whisper about me. The other day they were whispering about me. I heard it and just decided to ask what they were talking about. Surprise surprise, they needed me to give them a ride somewhere. Did I do it? Yep, sure did. I'm just the person that everyone uses for their own benefit. I go home at night and sit in darkness and fill up with loneliness and sadness. Everyday its the same, everyday it's a battle. It's never ending. I've never had a friend. I'm not sure I ever will. I'm not even sure if I want to try to have one again. Every so called friend in my life has never failed to disappoint me. I lay in bed at night and sometimes I can't even cry. I'm just numb. Sometimes I feel like I have to much to tell, but them I look in my phone and realize there's no one that I can tell anything to. I feel as is I'm isolated on my own island. No one around me, just me and my thoughts. This is my everyday battle.