When Grief Becomes a Debt: The Cultural Cost of Burying My Loved Ones

Grief is supposed to be about mourning, about remembering the ones we’ve lost. But for my family, it became something else—an overwhelming burden that didn’t just break our hearts, but also threatened to break us financially. In 2022, I lost three loved ones within months. As we struggled to bury them according to tradition, we found ourselves drowning in impossible expectations, mounting debt, and a tragedy that changed our lives forever. This is the story of how I learned to find strength in the storm.

"You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them." – Maya Angelou Grief is already one of the hardest things we go through in life. But in my culture, it comes with an additional weight—one that doesn’t just break hearts but can also break families financially.

In 2022, I lost three loved ones in just a few months—both of my grandmothers and my aunt. It felt like the world had collapsed around me, but there was little time to process the pain. In my culture, funerals are not just about saying goodbye—they are deeply traditional, communal events that demand elaborate ceremonies and financial sacrifice.

With each loss, we weren’t just mourning—we were scrambling to figure out how to afford another burial. And before we could even get our feet under us again, tragedy struck once more. WHEN MOURNING COMES AT A COST We buried my aunt first. It was difficult, but we managed. Then, within weeks, my maternal grandmother passed away. Two burials in a short time stretched us thin. By the time my paternal grandmother passed in December, we had nothing left. We simply couldn’t afford another funeral.

Where I come from, delaying a burial is frowned upon—it’s seen as a sign of financial failure. But we had no choice. As we tried to gather resources for the next burial, my mother took on the responsibility of organizing things, running errands, and following the demands of community elders.

Then came the accident.

While preparing for the burial, my mother was involved in a motor crash. She survived—but lost the sight in her right eye. She still needs surgery, but with everything else we were already struggling with, we couldn’t afford that either.

When does it end? I kept asking myself. How much are we supposed to endure?

The Unspoken Burden of Cultural Traditions I have always believed in honoring my loved ones. But I started to wonder: Why do we measure love by how much we spend on funerals?

I began looking beyond my own experience and realized my family’s struggle wasn’t unique. Around the world, funerals are leaving families in debt.

In Ghana and Nigeria, extravagant funerals are common, often costing more than weddings or houses.

In the United States, the average funeral costs $7,000 to $12,000, leading many families to crowdfund burials on GoFundMe.

In South Africa, families take out loans for funerals, paying off the debt for years.

Why is there so much shame in choosing a simpler, more affordable way to say goodbye? Why do we feel forced to prove our grief through financial sacrifice?

LESSONS FROM LOSS

Through everything, I’ve learned three powerful lessons:

1.Traditions Shouldn’t Overshadow Healing

I once believed that delaying a burial meant we were failing our loved ones. But I now understand that grief is not a performance. Love is not measured in the size of a ceremony but in the way we remember them, the way we carry their legacy forward.

If you’re struggling with loss and financial expectations, remember that honoring someone doesn’t have to mean going into debt.

2. Pain Is Inevitable, but Suffering Is Optional

Loss is a part of life, but how we move forward is a choice. I had to shift my focus from everything I had lost to everything I still had—my education, my family, my faith, and my ability to create a different future.

If you’re struggling, ask yourself: What do I still have? What can I build from here?

3. Strength Comes from Purpose

Despite everything, I pushed forward. I finished my degree, earning a Second Class Upper in Agricultural Education. But instead of immediately moving forward with my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC), I made a choice—I would focus on helping my family first.

This wasn’t about sacrifice. It was about purpose. Life gave me struggles, but it also gave me resilience. And I decided that I would use that resilience to create change.

Moving Forward

Grief changes us, but it doesn’t have to destroy us. If you are struggling with loss, debt, or overwhelming expectations, know this:

•You don’t have to carry it all alone. •You don’t have to meet anyone else’s definition of grief. •And you don’t have to let loss define your future.

Healing is not easy, and I am still on the journey. But if there’s one thing I know, it’s this: storms don’t last forever. And neither does pain.

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