What to Do If You Are Afraid to Fall in Love Again

I told myself “Next time I fall in love, it will be with someone deserving of me.” The problem with this mindset is that if I keep it up, I don’t see myself accepting anyone, not in a long time.

It’s crazy. Even when I want something or find someone with most qualities I seek in a partner, I still do not have the courage to let them in.

I was 17 when I had my first crush. We dated for a while until we got bored of each other. My first love taught me strength and prowess, but then it burned my self-esteem along the way. Since then, I have stuck with a strict rule never to love again.

But our human heart can be fickle. Despite my walls, my fragile heart cracks up when I meet a handsome and intelligent man.

When I first got heartbroken at age 23, I was a mess. I remember lying in bed feeling like the world was over or maybe I was going to die. Despite being emotionally abused, It wasn’t easy letting go of the happy memories.

I lived in denial for a while, waiting for him to come around. At a point, I gave up after a series of on-and-off reconciliations. I convinced myself that love wasn’t worth the headache.

My heart healed, but my head didn’t. I moved on and fell in love again. With a dose of happy hormones and dopamine flowing through my veins, I quickly throw any worries I had about being heartbroken again.

Then the terrible heartbreak inevitably came. This time I didn’t break. It was as if I was waiting for it to happen. When I look back on my teens and many failed relationships, I can’t help but notice a repeated pattern.

First, I get all touchy and loving. We become inseparable, then the buzz suddenly dies. I receded to believe that love is just a fairytale. It isn’t real because there is no one perfect for making love sustainable.

As much as I wanted to believe that love doesn’t exist, a part of me knows there is more to my fear of love than I admit. So I set myself on a path to find out why I am so afraid of falling in love and how to overcome my fears.

Unacceptable cultural standard

Strict guidelines on relationships and marriage contribute to my fear of what love is or should be. There’s a standard regarding when to start a relationship, who to date, and how to conduct ourselves within a relationship that makes dating unattractive.

If I move into a new city, my first instinct will be to familiarize myself with the area. Mingle with neighbors or maybe flirt with some. The idea that flirting should mean something more scares me from having casual relationships with the opposite sex.

Not willing to share my space

This might sound awkward. The truth is, I like my personal space. I’m super organized and focused. I hate when people take my things without permission or when they take them and do not return them exactly where they got them.

I like to keep my basic stuff at arm’s reach, so it annoys me when someone moves my stuff from where I keep it.

Being in a relationship means you have to accommodate the other person and tolerate their excesses — this is where the fear kicks in.

Not willing to trust anyone

Most of our fears are just defense mechanisms that the brain sets up to prevent pain. This can stem from our previous experience of being too naive and gullible. So, we close our hearts to everyone else because we don’t want it to happen again.

I have my fair share in breaking people’s hearts, too. I will not say my experience with heartbreak is why I started hurting other people, but it contributed to my trust issues.

Once trust is broken, it’s difficult to let one’s guard down again. I had to work my way up to trusting my coworkers and employees, but my heart is shut when it comes to my intimate relationships.

How to overcome the fear of love

Like many emotions, the problem with fear is that it does not always give you rational information or even accurate information. It’s like when you get angry. You feel your anger is fully justified, and when you are calm, you reflect on your actions and think, “Men! I could have handled the situation differently with more grace.”

The first step to overcoming your fear of love is to be aware of what is causing your fears. Allow yourself to fully experience those feelings — the pains and be overwhelmed by the unresolved emotions.

When you let go of the negative vibes causing your fears, you will realize you are at peace with your past and optimistic about the future.

Getting to know our fears about intimacy and their impact on our behavior is an important step toward a fulfilling, lasting relationship.

Psychologist Abraham Maslow, who is well for his “hierarchy of needs,” said we cannot achieve happiness and fulfillment unless we have a sense of love and belonging.

There will always be a risk attached to love. It wasn’t love that broke us. It was the person we loved that hurt us.

You will not overcome your fears of love in one night. It’s a process that requires constant effort to replace negativity with positivity. You don’t have to dive right in when you feel attracted to someone.

I’m learning to take things slowly by not having any expectations in new relationships. I’m still a work in progress, and so far, it’s amazing to be loved without fears so far.

Falling in love is exciting if you allow yourself to experience it, and when you are finally willing to take the risk, you will find that the reward is well worth it.

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About author

Jessey Anthony is a motivational speaker, fitness coach and relationship expert who helps people become confident in themselves in any challenges they face in life. Sign up to my newsletter & more cool stuff.

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This post appeared on Medium.