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What Relationship Advice Would You Give A Friend?

The Best Method For Answering Your Single Friend's Request For Dating Advice

By NizolePublished about a year ago 12 min read
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It's more tougher than it looks to give someone in love advice that will genuinely be beneficial. When a single buddy asks for advise, it's only natural to provide suggestions based on your own experiences or to quote cliches like "You'll meet someone when you least expect it." Despite the fact that you may believe you're being helpful, experts warn that it could not be the case. In truth, there are a few typical mistakes couples make when attempting to give their single friends dating advise.

Tom Ella, a dating guru and one of the presenters of The Undesirables dating podcast, tells Bustle that "people in long-term relationships frequently sound like baby boomers to me." "They'll advise you on dating in a manner akin to your father encouraging you to print your CV and "pound the streets" in search of employment in 2019. It seems strange to suggest that something as fundamental to human existence as dating may change, but it absolutely can. The use of dating apps, the #MeToo movement, and the Great Recession all had a significant impact on the environment. "It's probably going to change more over time.

It's simple to believe you have the entire relationship thing down when you're in a partnership and you've successfully dealt with obstacles, resolved communication problems, and achieved the ideal balance between being independent and being a member of a team. But as Ella points out, a relationship is like a snowflake. Every single one is unique. For your buddy, what may have worked for you may not.

1. Leave out personal details from the discussion

Giving advise based on your own experience is a very logical move. But as certified professional counselor Greta Aronson explains to Bustle, it's crucial to leave your own dating experiences out of the talk entirely.

Despite the good intentions, she claims, it often turns attention away from her and onto you. For example, telling your acquaintance, "I was extremely lonely too until I discovered my partner at a bar!" would just serve to remind them of how lonely they are and may even give them false optimism that their life will turn out like yours. If it doesn't, it could make them feel even more defeated. Keep the attention solely on your buddy and avoid becoming involved. Aronson advises, "Consider the kind of person they are. How are their feelings managed? What do they look for in an accomplice? What are their aims in the long run? You may discuss a strategy for the future after you have that knowledge.

2. Pay attention without forming any opinions or assumptions.

Given that they are a buddy, you most likely have a solid understanding of their current dating situation. They probably have vented to you a number of times. But just because they're coming to you to complain doesn't imply they need your advise. People often neglect to listen, which is one thing.

According to dating expert Cherlyn Chong, who works with professional women, "it's very easy." Just pay attention, and you'll learn a lot about your friend's concerns, apprehensions, and hopes. Watching what you say is as crucial. You should never put the responsibility for your friend's single status on them, claims Chong. The worst thing you can say is to suggest that your friend's problem is that they are "too choosy" or that they seem too frightening. Nobody feels any better after hearing that, and it's probable they will seek for your assistance once again, she claims. Instead, you need to begin by recommending an action. You might try..." and "What do you think?" are good places to start. It's a lot more effective than trying to undermine their identity.

Reasons to avoid advising friends on relationships

We've all been in the situation when a buddy is whining about an issue and we immediately think of a fantastic remedy. Or sometimes we see an issue that we believe a friend isn't completely aware of and want to bring it to her attention so that we can assist her in solving it. Despite our best efforts, it's possible that our counsel won't be heeded or be of much use.

It may be challenging to provide unsolicited advise, especially when it involves a person's sexual connection. I'm going to tell you to refrain from offering unwanted dating counsel to folks.

I am aware of the irony in the fact that I am going to advise against providing counsel. However, I'm focusing on unsolicited advise—that is, advice that the receiver did not ask for.

The following three factors make unwanted relationship counsel more likely to backfire:

1. You're bringing about self-doubt in the receiver.

For a variety of reasons, hearing someone else's advise might be demoralizing. Giving counsel to a buddy implies that he or she is unable to manage the matter on their own. Even if you don't say it out loud, the fact that you feel the need to provide counsel implies it. Additionally, you are placing yourself in a higher position by suggesting that you are more knowledgeable than your companion. As a result, the connection is set on an uneven playing field, which is likely to make the receiver feel uneasy. Additionally, giving such advise might be seen as an attempt to manipulate the listener. It therefore jeopardizes their feeling of freedom.

Your counsel is in a way a criticism of the friend as well if it includes a critique of the friend's love partner. Couples who are particularly intimate and reliant upon one another often develop "overlapping selves," or a "us," in which they see themselves. When one of the partners is threatened, the couple is threatened, which puts the individual at risk. I spoke about how individuals go to tremendous lengths to retain favorable perceptions of their love relationships in a previous piece. This is partially due to the fact that we defend our partners to maintain the image of ourselves that they represent. As a result, relationship counseling that entails disparaging a person's love partner may be seen as personally offensive.

2. Your relationship may suffer.

Receiving unwanted counsel not only makes the receiver feel horrible about themselves, but it also makes them feel bad about their connection with you. Ineffective assistance might eventually erode mutual trust, which can be detrimental to your relationship. One explanation is that getting help may cause the recipient to feel reliant on the provider, adding stress to the relationship. Additionally, unasked-for counsel may be damaging because, rather than being seen as an effort to provide assistance, it is more likely to be regarded as criticism, and criticism is particularly poisonous to relationships. The likelihood that the receiver will seek your assistance in the future may decrease if you provide unsolicited advise. As a result, even if a buddy seeks guidance, it won't be from you.

3. It probably won't be of any assistance.

Sure, taking this advise is difficult, and it can hurt my buddy or make my friend furious at me, but it's worth it since the advice will help, you might think." The individuals we feel the closest to are the ones we are most likely to provide unsolicited advise to since we want to assist them the most and feel most comfortable doing it. Your fantastic, well-intentioned counsel is unlikely to be put to use, however, since people often reject unwelcome advise. People who receive it often see it as improper and do not find it helpful; in fact, unwelcome advice sometimes worsens people's feelings.

This kind of assistance is unsuccessful for a number of reasons, including: It's partly because assistance is most successful when it meets the requirements of the receiver. Your support is thus likely to be ineffective if you are providing the type of assistance that your buddy does not want, such as offering advise when that person does not want it. You may assume that if your buddy is opening up to you about relationship issues, he or she must be doing it in order to solicit your opinion. This isn't always the case. It's not always clear when individuals are seeking help when they discuss their concerns in conversation. They could just be seeking your compassion or hoping to establish a stronger relationship with you by confiding in you.

As I previously said, unwelcome advice might be seen as a danger to the receiver's freedom; hence, even if it is inherently sound, the recipient may reject it in an effort to maintain their independence. The recipient's perception that this kind of assistance is ineffective is also influenced by the detrimental impacts on their sense of self-worth that were previously described.

According to other study, it's useful to address relationship issues with one's love partner, but talking about them with friends has little influence on the relationship. This is, of course, a typical outcome; talking with friends about your relationship issues may be beneficial or detrimental depending on the situation. However, given earlier studies that demonstrate how unwelcome counsel is seen poorly, it seems probable that such encounters have, at most, a neutral impact on the romantic relationship itself.

This does not suggest that you should remain silent if someone is in a dangerous circumstance. Though it is likely to be disregarded and might sour your connection with the receiver, be cautious when offering unsolicited advise. Try to be helpful in more subdued, non-threatening ways instead.

Last but not least, if your intention is to undermine your friend's relationship, your criticism of it can succeed. According to research, if our friends and family don't support our relationships, they are more likely to fail.

Six things you should know before dating a friend

As friends who now know they like one other, my partner and I had our first kiss, and it was very horrifying. I drew him into what I imagined would be a passionate, sweeping kiss, but all he did was stand still and hardly move. Even worse things happened the remainder of the date. We anxiously overindulged in alcohol while binge-watching Sweet Home Alabama on his bed. I believed we had no chemistry and that I had wrecked a fantastic relationship. (Date two came and went, and after talking over the uncomfortable shitstorm that was our first date, everything was fine!).

I have been there, to put it simply. Transitions from friends to partners may be amazing and easy, but they can also be perplexing and very anxiety-provoking if you have a lot of self-doubt. Fortunately, there are things you may do along the road to reduce your level of anxiety during the whole procedure. If you and a buddy are considering going out on a date, keep these seven things in mind:

1. Make the first move to flirt.

When you're already being jokey and kind to one other, it might be difficult to tell whether you have shared sentiments. In order to shield oneself from rejection, flirting is a skilled way to test the waters "According to Dr. Theresa DiDonato, a psychology associate professor at Loyola University. "It may provide a secure environment where you may see if the other person returns your flirtations.

We began with dressing room selfies where we solicited feedback from one another on ensembles we already knew we looked great in. It doesn't have to be something too overt straight first. After taking so many tiny steps toward thirst, I eventually advanced to borderline sexts about how his legs seemed in shorts. The important thing to remember is that you may take your time growing more flirtatious and observe if A) they seem to respond the flirtation and B) they are specifically flirting with you rather than generically flirting with everyone.

2. Assume the proper sort of friendship before entering a relationship.

Between your ride-or-die BFF and someone who is simply incredibly enjoyable to party with, there is a tremendous difference. Before beginning a relationship, I would think about how good your friendship is "said Dr. DiDonato. "Is that friendship a comfortable place for you, or is it a wild rollercoaster filled with emotions?

The vibrant social life of your acquaintance might be alluring—until they keep canceling on you on dates. Sometimes the characteristics of a person we first liked and that attracted us to them as friends turn out to be the things we no longer enjoy "DiDonato explains.

3. Be really upfront about your intentions to date them.

Dating a dependable friend might seem like a wonderful choice when you've downloaded and deleted every new dating app you've ever used, only to decide to give up on relationships forever two hours later. You can trust them, they're attractive, and they're pleasant to you. However, a successful love relationship is so much more than simply a sense of security.

There must to be a hint of sexual attraction or romantic yearning, "said Dr. DiDonato. "And even if it is, it may not be sufficient for a strong, enduring love relationship. Dating someone who seems "secure" might backfire when you find out they're not as driven or socially engaged as you, she continues, so it's important to have parallel life plans and similar aspirations.

4. If you're going to accomplish this, give it your all.

It's totally OK to have some doubts if you and your buddy appreciate your relationship and honestly don't want to ruin it. But constantly fretting about your friendship with every new step your love relationship takes is simply not healthy.

5. Start out by not involving your buddies too much.

If you're going to speak to someone, think about choosing someone who isn't a common friend since realizing you could have mutual emotions for a friend might be something you need assistance dealing out. Developing a love connection from a friendship is not always easy; there may be some back-and-forth, "affirms DiDonato. "While your mutual friends may be very curious about what is going on between you two, a love relationship is between two individuals.

Trust: the last thing you need on top of your nervousness is a group of your friend's pals peering over at you from across the bar and drunkenly yelling that you two should just kiss.

6. Be prepared for the possibility that everything, including sex, may be quite uncomfortable at first.

"People bring various sexual expectations to their relationships, so whether you anticipate magic the first time or you consider your sexual connection as something that can alter and grow, it will affect how pleased you are not only sexually but in the relationship, "said Dr. DiDonato. "It could be simpler to start a relationship for two people who are prepared to work on that aspect.

More power to you if your romance begins with a monologue from When Harry Met Sally. But it is clearly not the bar you should set for yourself. According to Dr. DiDonato, if you subscribe to these ideas, you can interpret each stumble as evidence that there is a problem and that the relationship isn't worthwhile, rather than seeing these little instances of discomfort and stumble as opportunities for improvement.

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Nizole

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