What My Break-up Taught Me

You never truly know someone until you go through a separation.

If you want to know the true nature of a person, break up with them and see the mask fade away quicker than Usain Bolt finishing the hundred meter sprint.

You go through so much together, promise each other the world, but when something happens and they cannot accept any of the responsibility, you will always be the bad guy.

It's even worse if you have a child together.

There's no getting rid of the bastard then.

When a person lets you down, shows you that you actually mean nothing to them, they are somehow surprised when you have an emotional disconnect from them and the relationship. If they have left you to survive on your own in one of your darkest hours, not once but twice, it is not their problem that you feel let down and unloved: it is yours.

Some people cannot fathom the way emotions can take hold and influence your everday decisions. Please do not get me wrong, as I am normally pretty level headed, but the extreme hurt and dejection I felt from the one person who I thought would always have my back, had a knock on effect on how I began to view the relationship. I was a convenience, a person they could rely on to have dinner on the table and wash their clothes. A person who would fight their battles to make their life easier. I was the one they would use to fulfill their sexual needs before they rolled over and let one out as I lay there unsatisfied and feeling empty.

I was there to serve him.

Now I do need to point out that he did support me financially. I stayed at home to take care of the house, our child and the children I had from a previous marriage, while he went out and worked hard. I brought in wages too, but they were not even close to the amount he made; we had a good life, but it was a life built on what I would later realise resembled more of a business transaction than a loving relationship.

We had holidays, a decent car and no debt to speak of, I had even bought my wedding dress for our upcoming nuptials that would never go ahead. I thought we were a team, I thought we were both invested equally in the relationship, but in reality, I was blind to the selfish ways he hid his true nature behind a dopey smile and unkempt hair.

We were most certainly not on the same page.

I should have seen this coming...

It seems obvious now that under the surface of this unassuming, slightly wet behind the ears, manchild, lay a nasty piece of work. Since we have separated, his true colours have really shown, and they are all shades of ugly. This man chops and changes his mind, more times than I care to count, and yet it is my fault when I am unable to accommodate him. Everything that was said to me in text messages and phone calls has been contradicted more times than an MP has been called a dickhead, and yet I am the bad guy.

I'm not saying I am blameless in any of this, but what I am saying is that you have never seen all the layers of a person until you go through a separation with them. What people are capable of, when they are not getting their own way and are letting the bitterness take over, can be shocking. So what is the best way to deal with it?

Just roll with it.

What has gone has gone, and cannot be changed, so what is the point in stressing about occurrences in the past? You can only conduct yourself in the best way that you see fit, and try not to react when they push the buttons they learnt about in your most vulnerable moments. Learn from your experiences, not just mistakes, and continuously grow as a person to benefit yourself and no one else. Do what is right for you, and screw what anyone else thinks.

Only you are responsible for your actions.

Do not give them any power over you.

Do not stoop to their level.

Do not let them dim your shine.

And definately, DO NOT let them back into your bed.

Not all relationships end in a ball of flames, mine didn't. But it has become clear to me that the ending is no indicator as to how the next part will pan out. If you want a good indicator of what type of person you are dating, take a look at their parental figures and their relationship. This is not based on anything but my own experience, but from what I have found, I can get a pretty good sense of a person by how their parents conduct themselves, and how a person speaks about them. My ex-father-in-law-to-be was always obviously a see-you-next-Tuesday, and it is clear in this case that the apple does not fall far from the tree, even if it appears to not be as rotten.

Let them believe that they have one over on you, because in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter. It is only by letting go that we can truly be happy. Live rent free in their head, it makes no difference to you.

And always remember there is a block function for a reason!