The 3 Month Rule

Dating.

It's daunting, isn't it.

Do you wait for it to happen, hope you find someone out and about or do you sign up to one of those dating sites and go looking for love? You might not even be wanting love, but there's a chance that whatever you find could lead to it, so what is the harm in seeing what's out there?

Swipe left, swipe right, match… feel pressured to pay for the service which gives you access to see exactly who has swiped favourably on you, just to filter through to decide which ones may go somewhere. You could go out and mix with people, but even then it has risks attached. You're not necessarily paying for a subscription, but you are paying for drinks, food, bus rides, taxi fares… even if you go out in public on that rare afternoon you managed to book off work six months ago, there's no guarantee that you'll have the meet-cute moment portrayed so often in films and television shows.

I used to blame Disney for my unrealistic expectations of what would happen when I met the man of my dreams: Mr Prince Charming, but honestly the classic tropes are everywhere. It's not just Disney who used to feed me and many others the ideal way our lives should pan out. Even Mulan (1998), who kicked total ass, had a romance with the dishy captain.

So even if you meet who you believe to be the right person through whatever avenue, what happens then?

You agree to go on a date after exchanging messages, give them your number and possibly have a few deep and meaningful conversations. How can you tell that it's sincere?

You can't. End of.

"But I get this tingling feeling when-"

No. That tingling is just your body reacting to the excitement of something new.

"But I can just tell!"

Really? Call me a cynic, but you've only just met this person.

I have been burned too many times to take everything at face value. I've known people get into romantic relationships with friends that they've known for a long time, only to find out that the person was not who they appeared to be. It is not always the case granted, but there is no harm in protecting yourself…

…and I'm not just talking about using contraception.

The honeymoon stage of a relationship is the time when the rose tinted glasses are perfectly positioned to hinder you from seeing behaviours that could come back to haunt you later on down the line. And it goes both ways. You might even display 'red flags' in your own behaviour and not even realise it. You may be inclined to do things out of your comfort zone, or say things that you don't necessarily mean in the heat of the moment, just to make yourself appear a more suitable suitor for your desired person.

What's the harm in that, you ask? Well, apart from possibly setting a really high expectation in yourself from the other person, you could be falling for it from them, too. When a relationship moves quickly because it 'just feels right', neither of you actually know what you're getting yourselves into. In this day and age, with all this technology in the palm of our hands, how do you really know what is true and what is false? You could be on the phone to a person, getting to know them while mentioning you have a love for a certain obscure hobby, and with a quick google search they can have all the information they need to show just as much enthusiasm.

A connecting factor between two people can be established instantly, but it is all based on a lie.

Now that may not seem like such a big deal initially, but how far might a lie go? And a trivial lie could end up turning into several. Before you know it, the relationship that has you imagining a future with this person, is built on nothing but false hope and non-existant foundations.

Apply the three month rule.

And not when you exchanged the first message, it needs to be applied when you first meet.

Sure, people out there are capable of keeping up appearances for longer than three months, but if you are able to see the bigger picture for those first three months, you can be more likely to continue the relationship without blinkers. If you keep your wits about you, and pay attention to the sidelines, it will be much easier to see when things do not add up.

Protect yourself.

Be true to yourself.

I am a big believer in words are cheap, whereas actions are expensive: if what they say and what they do are not consistent, then I'm afraid they are full of shit. And again, that goes both ways.

It is easy to make a promise, but keeping it is another matter.

Those first three months should be solely about getting to know each other, not about making lifelong promises of unconditional love and commitment. It can take a lifetime to really know a person, and even then there could be aspects of them that you are not aware of. If someone wants to hide something from you, they will do whatever they can to keep it from coming out. It can be anything from an insignificant fetish that they harbor shame for, to another family in a different part of the country; gambling problems, addictions… a seriously unhealthy obsession with Celine Dion...

It is within the first few months where we have our best foot foward: it is our time to shine before we begin to settle into an everyday routine. When we get through this intial time period, effort begins to dwindle, texts become less and less... cracks in their personality begin to show. You will start too see that the person you have been getting to know could be someone completely different, again, it goes both ways. If you start by just being yourself, and be honest when you're uncomfortable with something, you will soon be able to tell if you are compatible with each other. If you're not compatible, do you even have a future? Things that the other person origianlly said they loved, could start to be an issue. Assuming you're invested to an extent, you may even consider changing something that really isn't even worth stressing over. So what if you have to make a small change to accomodate them: it's no bid deal, right?

I'm sure you can see where that type of behaviour could take you...

The initial months of a relationship are crucial, this is why it is so important to start as you mean to go on. I'm not saying to be suspicious of every little detail, every little glimpse that they allow you to have into their life, I am simply saying that it is wise to take note of your surroundings. Master magicians are a prime example of misdirection, but everyone is capable of doing it. If you are honest with yourself, how many times have you been guilty of changing the subject? It is so simple, yet a classic and commonly used method of misdirection.

Therefore, whether you are only just entering the world of dating, or have been searching for that special someone for a while, applying the three month rule could end up saving you a lot of pain in the long run. Is this the most important rule of dating? No, but it is one that is essential going forward.

All the best! I hope you find what you are looking for.