What Is Gaslighting?

What Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented to disorient someone or stir them to take certain actions. Simply put, it is when someone constantly tells you that a problem or feeling you have is either not happening, is in your imagination, or is your fault.

Gaslighting was derived from two words: Gas Light which was the title of a play. In the 1938 British Play Gas Light, the husband mentally and emotionally manipulated his wife into believing that she was going insane. He blatantly lied to her, flirted with the servants in her presence, and gaslighted her by changing the intensity of the gas lamp in the house.

Yet he convinced her that the perceived flirting and change in the gas lamp was all inside her head (hence the play was called Gas Light). She questioned everything including her realities, perceptions and memories until she was helped and made to understand that her husband was intentionally manipulating her for his ulterior motives.

Types Of Gaslighting

There are four types of gaslighting.

Lies. Gaslighters are what I call fluent liars. They lie so boldly and frequently with ease that you have to be smart to catch up with them. And when you catch them, they either deny it to your face, twist the story, or project it on you thereby calling you the liar.

I used to know someone who told me three different versions of the same story when he cheated. I knew that the first version was the true account because even his siblings who saw what happened confirmed the story. But he kept changing and twisting the story from time to time because he thought I was too dumb to notice the difference.

The not-so-funny part was that each time he changed the story, I always reminded him of his earlier version. And guess what? He would get upset and tell me that he never said that one! Not surprisingly though, he lied to me for years and I believed him. So he thought I was a fool forever. How wrong he was.

2. Manipulation of Reality. Gaslighters constantly deny the perceptions of their victim and make them question what and how they remember things. The victim begins to doubt their judgement and to question their memory of events or what was said. Over time, their self-esteem gets eroded and their mental well-being is affected.

This is a calculated behaviour used by the gaslighter to put their victim in a confused state by planting doubt in their head. They use words such: ‘You are wrong. You never remember things correctly. I think you’re beginning to lose it.’ The more the victim believes them, the more they feel broken and helpless, so much that if there is any proof of abuse, the victim will doubt themself as a reliable witness to their reality.

3. Scapegoating. Gaslighters usually assign the blame to the victim to take away the responsibility and attention from themselves. They do this through false accusations and unnecessary criticisms of the victim. They use words such as: ‘It was your fault I was angry. You always get on my nerves…’ The victim is either apologising for what they didn’t do or they are endlessly defending themselves. This is a way of distracting the victim from actually seeing what is going on — emotional abuse.

Every healthy relationship has moments of constructive criticism and honest feedback. However, it becomes toxic when one party is always being put down and constantly required to improve themselves. They are trapped in a cycle of defending their integrity just to prove that they are worthy of the other person. And no matter how much they try, they never seem to be good enough. They are gaslighted to think and believe so.

4. Coercion. This is a spectrum of behaviours. It ranges from pretending to be very caring, exerting pressure, or being emotionally and verbally manipulative to get one’s way. Gaslighters apply coercion when they use something the victim loves as ammunition. This could be their children, their job, or something they cherish.

I know people who lost their lives because they didn’t leave an abusive relationship when they should. They knew they were in danger yet they stayed because of the children. The abuser knows about this and takes advantage of them. Coercive control starts with the abuser making the victim dependent on them through financial control, being isolated and their everyday activities monitored and regulated by the abuser.

How To Outsmart A Gaslighter

Gaslighting often occurs in abusive relationships and can have serious mental consequences if it continues over time. It can be a marriage, in a workplace, between parents and children, among friends, etc. It can occur in any relationship depending on what the gaslighter wants to achieve, which is usually to the detriment of the victim.

Here are some of the ways you can deal with gaslighting.

Allow them to talk. Don’t try to interrupt them and prove your innocence. Doing so will be playing straight into their narrative. They will use it to call you unreasonable, paranoid, dramatic and insecure. Allow them to talk and wear themselves out with their games and lies. Then…

Calmly expose their lies. Being able to stand up to the gaslighter without becoming like them is an asset. You don’t have to shout to make your point. Wait until there is silence for you to talk without their interruptions.

Tell them you are not upset and you don’t want to fight. Then, calmly explain why the things they said were not true. Be firm but not in an aggressive manner. That is how you turn the table on the gaslighter because all he wants is to get you all mad and screaming.

3. Do not play their game. Gaslighters usually have hidden agendas. What you see is not what you get. It may be difficult to deal with this person if you are in a close relationship with them. But you can refuse to play.

This means that you do not react impulsively or emotionally to their attempt to manipulate you. Reacting impulsively will make you do or say things you may regret later which is exactly what the abuser wants. It will also make you to be predictable.

If the gaslighter can predict your reaction, they can as well detect and dictate your mood anyhow they want it. That means they have achieved their goal of manipulating you. Do not give them the satisfaction!

4. Let them see that you were hurt by their words or actions. This will work on people who did not mean to hurt you. Some people tend to pick up toxic behaviours from their parents while growing up and they think it is okay.

Don’t blame them. Show them how you feel hurt when you are falsely accused or your motives are questioned. Let them know that you will appreciate it if both of you can approach the situation more constructively and interactively. Such people may change when they realise their behaviour hurts their loved ones.

However, this may not work for a narcissist. A true narcissist will either pretend to care about you for a while to manipulate you or they will go harder with the abuse because of your vulnerability to them. It’s all about control for them.

5. Walk away. When it comes to outsmarting a gaslighter, you should be able to know when to walk away. It is your life and you are the one in the ugly situation. Use your head. Do not feel too trapped to seek help. If the gaslighter is too habituated to change and keeps hurting you after you tell them they hurt you, you may have to walk away to save your sanity and your life.