What I Feel About You

[Not in my point of view, but based on me]

It is hard to maintain relationships when you have something going on in your mind like a swirling storm ready to come out of you. You don’t know how to take out your anger so you take it out on the people you love, leaving them confused while you feel the heavy drift of the void in your heart. Guilt, and then what happens is then you start taking it out on yourself. And then those people who still care for you try to stop you, but you shut them out. It hurts to, but you can’t help it. You want to be alone, to be lost in your thoughts. Those same thoughts that are killing you inside. The thoughts that are taking away the people you love, the thoughts that are tearing your world apart.

You wake up everyday to feel a heavy chest. Like a part of your real self is gone. Torn apart from you. Sometimes for no apparent reason, sometimes you know exactly what caused these emotions. It just happens. Like there is no point in trying to be happy, but you still need to fake a smile. To avoid the questions. But then there’s always that person who can see through you. Who can see the tears you’re holding back. You rush back into your sanctuary, slump down onto the floor and let it all out. What makes it worse is if the relief of letting it out comes.

You don’t want to be selfish. But you want to care for yourself as well. But the judgements of others are always there. One second you feel joyful about something, and then the feeling that you can’t feel this way. That you are not permitted to. Because you will always be brought down. You torture yourself in your head trying to block out the happy thoughts, punishing yourself for ever thinking you could be happy. All the energy drains from you, you want to turn to someone, that one person who always makes you feel like you are special. But those stupid, stupid thoughts aren’t letting you. Saying that there is always judgement. That she will NEVER feel the same way about you. But the love you have for her?

The only feeling that gives you a sense of hope. Because you want to be her someone, but it feels like everything and everyone is stopping you. So you close your eyes, kneel on the ground and let out a silent scream. Run your hands through your hair, the tears spring up in your eyes. Talk to anyone that could possibly hear you. But no one ever does. You don't have the right to be heard. Or do I?

Everything is whirling around and around and you don't know how to contain it. The pain, the dread, the misery and sorrow is getting to your head. Then you think, 'Am I really that desperate?'.

You're scared to love, because you don't want to be heartbroken again. You start telling yourself that you're incapable of love. That you don't deserve it. And worst of all is that hope that keeps arriving when she wraps her arms around you. You want that hope. You NEED that hope. But you're not allowing yourself to.

Then you remember that first person you loved and how much resemblance there is between her and that one person you love more than anyone ever before. Whenever she plays the piano, you sway to the music, and fall an inch deeper. When she looks you in the eye, you feel a strong connection. WHY?!? I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY! You keep punishing yourself for something you KNOW isn't your fault.

Everyone in your class, or rather everyone who knows you in general thinks that you are a normal, happy and jolly kid. LIKE YOU SHOULD BE. But you're not. And she seems like the only one who understands, but you're scared that if you tell her the truth, you'll lose her.

Insecurity. One of the main things that brings you down. Do I look presentable? or Will she like me better if I change myself? All questions that you ask yourself.

You can't tell anybody. You look at your bloodstained wrist. AM I A PHYSCO?!? WHY!? And then there's that moment you want to give up on your life. People spreading rumours about you just because you like the same sex.

I AM NOT SUICIDAL! I AM JUST LOOKING FOR RELIEF! I WANT HER SO BAD BUT I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO ANALYSE THE WAY SHE LOOKS AT ME! LORD! PLEASE HELP ME!

You give in. The tears roll down your face. You feel dead inside. You like that because it's more productive. For you anyway. People the next day ask you if you're alright and you just say you're tired. Damn right tired! Tired of living the life you have been living.

It'll be okay, it'll be okay, it'll be okay, it'll be okay, it'll be okay, it'll be okay, it'll be okay, it'll be okay, it'll be okay, it'll be okay, it'll be okay, it'll be okay, it'll be okay, it'll be okay, it'll be okay, it'll be okay!

You keep repeating these words in your head. But you always wonder, will it ever actually be okay?